Appalachian Trail with a Toddler

It’s hard not to be apprehensive about this. My health has been disappointing at best this last year, i’m not in the same shape I was 2 years ago, and generally my mood hovers between panick-y and overwhelmed. Everything deserves the “nope, better not do it” attitude because it might be too much while trying to maintain a semblance of sanity. And yet, here I am, about to jump in (or is it more like ripping it off like a bandaid?) to 4 ½ days on the AT to finish up the Georgia section and begin our trek into North Carolina. 

It was 2 years ago in 2015, that my husband and I did our first section hike of the Appalachian Trail- 6 days going from Springer Mountain to Dick's Creek Gap (approx. 70 miles). At the time, we were doing it as part of our summer training (we hiked the Grand Canyon too) for our Pilgramage on the Camino Portugese. But, in the process, fell in love with the AT have made it our special project to finish together. 

Tomorrow we drive back to Georgie to finish up our last remaining miles in Georgia and continue on through North Carolina. Our hope is that while we will arrive around 3 in the afternoon and can get 8 miles in before breaking camp. That might be a stretch, and if it is, that's okay, as we've arranged to be a day ahead of schedule if we do it. Everyone wants to know how heavy our packs are. We learned a lot from our first trek and are packing much differently. 

That said we are adding a hungry toddler into the mix this time, so I think it's evened out. I’m at ~45 lbs with K-man riding and Joel’s is at ~50lbs. Both of our packs will get lighter as Kelton uses his biodegradable diapers, and as we all the eat food from Joel’s bag.

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What am I hoping to get out of this? Well, hopefully a little hope for the future. Maybe even a little courage and extra confidence for this coming year- that while true, not everything is worth the energy anymore. But, for the things that are, the reserves I have set aside for them will be back-stocked with an assurance that life works itself out- even after reproducing ;) Plus, who doesn't feel better after a couple of days in the woods?

Motherhood has brought her lesser known and less liked step-sister: constant anxiety and fatigue. After a year of it, I finally figured out, maybe this wasn’t normal after all and that maybe there was something wrong. Sure enough, I'd been sick with Epstein Barr. I’m still in the process of trying to change and add new things to help out with that. Meanwhile...

I want my son to know that, we did what we could to show him the joy of being outdoors. Showing him life can function, thrive, and blossom outside the constrictions of so deemed “necessities”. That life is sweeter when you peel away the excesses, and in the process find what’s truly valuable. And all in the openness of God’s green earth do we get to see His love for us. And, maybe just maybe, that if you just put one foot in front of the other, over and over, you can do anything. By the sounds of it, parenthood just might showing your kids the lessons you're learning yourself.

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As I was figuring out this trip, all I wanted to know was what do people bring for overnight hiking with a 16 month old toddler. I've breast fed our son until about 2 weeks ago and (i.e. he's fully weaned now). I wanted to know what other responsible mothers brought for their baby koalas. So, if anyone else wants to see our pack list, let me know.

Seeing Is Believing

I'm currently reading C.S. Lewis' Problem of Pain. And, in an unexpected start to the book he talks about he origins of religion. Whenever I read C.S. Lewis all these questions rise to the surface. They were there beforehand, but it takes reading C.S. Lewis' rich literature to pull them out into discussion.

It even gets me to thinking about how I'd say things, perhaps better, perhaps worse, but nonetheless differently. And, today's reading made me want to talk about the process to faith in Christ.

But before I do, I first want talk about intimacy. It might seem like an unusual side track when you're wanting to talk about the origins and manifestation of a life of faith, but to do so you first have to understand intimacy. Let me explain...

     Intimacy- is a moment between two beings of understanding; to be known, either wholly or in part, but fully; to be seen and acknowledged.

When love is involved, there is sacrifice in the knowing of another being. For it requires a splitting of one's self to join with another; and in so doing gives the gift of self. In the physical, it appears as though all that is necessary is for one to give and intimacy is achieved. But in fact whether physically or Spiritually, the intimacy needs to be mutual, although through different acts: giving and receiving.

Humanity knows of God through revelations of, or by coming near, a spiritual presence. That  spiritual presence brings our nakedness [ability to be seen] to the forefront.

C.S Lewis describes experiencing deity [Numinous] :

Suppose you were told there was a tiger in the next room: you would know that you were in danger and would probably feel fear. But if you were told "There is a ghost in the next room," and believed it, you would feel, indeed, what is often called fear, but of a different kind. It would not be based on the knowledge of danger, for no one is primarily afraid of what a ghost may do to him, but of the mere fact that it is a ghost. It is "uncanny" rather than dangerous, and the special kind of fear it excites may be called Dread. With the Uncanny one has reached the fringes of the Numinous. Now suppose that you were told simply "There is a mighty spirit in the room," and believed it. Your feelings would then be even less like the mere fear of danger: but the disturbance would be profound. You would feel wonder and a certain shrinking—a sense of inadequacy to cope with such a visitant of prostration before it—an emotion which might be expressed in Shakespeare's words "Under it my genius is rebuked." This feeling may be described as awe, and the object which excites it as the Numinous.^[2]

I want take his definition of dread one step further making the connection that it is also our vulnerabilty to this deity that causes dread or awe. This is why we "dread" the spiritual world, we are unable to hide ourselves. But, through revelation or proximity, there is also an unveiling of God's Divine Love: Love that is given (not received) undeservedly [Love's grace].

But, what makes it undeserved? There is something that separates us from receiving Divine love. That something is failing to live up to a Universal Law. There has always been a presiding Law over the universe: things to do and not to do. Even when humanity was first created there was a Law: do not eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Up until this point, humans were intimate with God. Their innocence was as of yet untampered.

God is good [righteous] and He loves good. To love is to give oneself (see above). When we disobeyed [sinned] we were no longer righteous and where therefore separated from God and His love.

     The Law brings the Wrath of God.
     Wrath: anger at the inability or unwillingness to receive God's love- to receive God.

     The Law brings judgement.
     Judgement: separation from God-- the Judgement of sin leads to death.

When we sinned we called upon the promise of God's love, proven by His unchanging character, to deliver himself to us in a way in which we could receive it.

Jesus on the cross, when God turned His face, was separated from God and experienced the effects of separation from immortality into mortal death. But, because of his righteousness defeated death.

If we see the love of God and receive it, we are saved. If we see God's love through Jesus we are joined with God. God gives himself individually and corporately through the Holy Spirit. With the Holy Spirit living inside us we are now the body of Christ.

Just a Finger Painter

Does God Care?

That question comes to mind often when I'm on hour 4 of practicing technique that day. It comes again, 4 months in on my project of learning a violin concerto for an upcoming recital. When I'm so tired, the last thing I want to do is to keep going.

There's confusion of conflicting expectations: "just do your best" seems to never realistically line up with avoiding mediocrity while not idolizing perfection. You wonder, or maybe it's just me, "what does God really want from me?".

I ask this question coming from an established confirmation that I'm doing God's will for my life and simultaneously using the talents he has for me to worship Him. That's out of the way. But, there's something missing... Where does this elusive satisfaction come in? Especially when my battling inner monologues seem to always lean towards extremism.

On the right we have: God's pleased with my worship. Stop trying to put in qualifiers that He's only pleased when something meets man's approval first. Perfectionism is unattainable; so why do I keep expecting myself to have it already?


Compare that with the left: Do I really want to bring this unprepared, unpolished, and vague expression before God and call it worship? This presentation would be torn apart by it's inability to pass high standards of beauty and communication. Do I want to give something to God that would be shredded by professional expectations?

Hence my dilemma.
"When I feel like crap, apply the right. When I sound like crap, apply the left. Rinse, repeat."

The best I could do was, and has been, to ask.
God, what do you really care about?

This is the story He showed me.

A small child hears their papa is coming home in the next few minutes. So excited about the news, he runs off to paint a picture of his Papa coming home. The child paints a picture with the love only a child can display using finger paint. It resembles our own childhood pictures- complete with stick figures and a smiling sun above their heads. The father comes home and is not only greeted by his eager child, but sees the picture his child painted. He loves it. He loves it because He loves his child. He loves it because he knows the love it was created with and he cherishes it. With pride He puts it on the wall of his study for all to see.

// I felt such relief, you cannot imagine. Knowing that God see's what I do for the act of love that it is, is hugely comforting. But, I felt like there was something missing. Almost defensively I asked God, "Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough to know that you cherish what I made for you?".

God showed me this. //

The child is now older. Growing quickly towards adulthood, his love for his father has deepened, matured along with his age. His understanding of who his father is, was not the same as when they were younger. In it's place he has found his father is kinder, wiser, stronger, and more generous than He knew before. He still loves to paint and continues to give his paintings to his Papa. And his father still loves to see his paintings and continues to receive them gladly posting them in his studio.

One day, the child, who's almost an adult, goes into his father's study and looks at the compilations of his paintings. He thinks back to how he used to think of his Father with the help of his older paintings. He sighs with satisfaction that with his maturity he knows more about his Father now than when he was 4. His father hasn't changed, but his understanding of him certainly has. He leans closer towards his earlier paintings. He realizes the details portraying His father just didn't come out the way he saw him now. His 5 minute before dinner time finger paintings didn't look as much like his Papa as he thought at the time. He realized his Papa knew what the paintings meant, because he knew me. But, if anyone else saw, they wouldn't see the Papa he knew and loved.

Those paintings have always been enough. Because I made them. But, I realized I wanted my paintings to be seen by others and to be able to see what I saw. My Papa in his splendor.

Dragons and a King's Love

So this post is a little different today. I had a fantastic dream last night. In fact I haven’t had this great of a dream in a long time. It was so cool I had to write it down before I forgot it.
It seemed like a cool enough story to share so here it is….
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It felt real. I was in a fantastical world that was back in the ages of knights, castles, and dragons. The colors were vibrant, colorful, and the smells were fresh on the wind. Honor was revered, and strength was acknowledged for being greater when restrained.

A terrible reign by a fearful and greedy king had finally been overturned. And in his place ruled a strong, just, and peaceful king. He was a good man and respected by every one. A man of the people, he would interact with his subjects’ daily. When he wasn’t working along side them in the fields, he was riding in his royal carriage, led by gallant steeds, overseeing his kingdom. The land suffered no want and each man was content and satisfied.

Suddenly there were dragons everywhere. They were menacing and unruly. Of the dragons, the biggest   dragon went straight for the castle. I knew the king along with the kingdom was in trouble. Suddenly, I’m face to face with a dragon. The dragon snaps his jaws at me. I thrust my arms out trying to grab hold of his jaws and keep him arms length away. But, I know my own strength will not last holding him away from me. Someone else, a friend, is on top of the dragon and tells me to jump on its head. I sum up the courage and do it. I jump and, at the same time, the dragon lunges forward. With a twisted flip I land safely on his head. My hands still on the dragon’s head, I realize that his head goes in whichever direction I steer it. Suddenly I realize, this isn’t a bad dragon after all. I pat his neck beneath where I’m sitting and the dragon responds with an affectionate purr.

The giant dragon meanwhile is quickly climbing the towers of the castle and laying waste to everything around him. I know there is only one shot to taking this monstrosity down. I have a weapon, a missile of some sort. It’s similar to an arrow but with the directional and explosive power of a guided torpedo. 

With the assistance of my new dragon comrade, I aim and fire. A successful hit! The giant dragon lets go his hold on the towers and begins his descent to the earth. As he’s falling from the sky I see the King’s carriage running out of the gates just seconds before the dragon crashes into the courtyard. But, he’s not completely safe yet. Suddenly smaller dragons surround the carriage.

I hurry over and, with my own dragon's help, scare them off and defeat them. I find out from them that they’ve been sent as an attack from the overthrown enemy king.

The fight has almost subsided by this point. Others are courageously taking up the fight and regaining control of the kingdom.

But, things are not over. Night falls and an eerie moonlight covers the land. I have a bad feeling that we need to take cover for safety. There seem to be enemies lurking about in the darkness. My new dragon comrade and I find a tall tree to roost in for the night. A giant wise owl is already there sitting, watching. We wait the night and eat a small ration of food for our dinner. The tree is so heavy with our weight that it sways back and forth with the wind. Then, a giant flood comes rushing across the land. Thankfully, we’re high enough to be safe. Eventually, the flood waters slowly recede. The giant owl eventually flies away and I know it's safe to come down from the tree.

After we’re safe on the ground again, I receive a hand written message from the King thanking me for my contribution, self sacrifice, and courage. His and the kingdom’s safety is owed to my service. I am honored among the kingdom, and he bestows me his eternal favor.

I always knew He was a good king, but now I experience for myself how good he actually was. And, I knew that I loved him. I knew that when, in the future, when we ever meet, he would love me too. I make a decision to go on a quest to request the presence of the king. I’m on the opposite side of the country, so I know it will take a long journey to get there. I’m a knight and I feel strong and noble. I know that if I request the King’s presence, it will be granted. 

Suddenly I’m pulled away. My life changes time and location. The kingdom, king, and my dragon still exist, but it’s like I jumped across a time wrinkle into a far less exciting world and time. Where nothing exciting happens, because they don’t believe it can and that’s just not how it’s done. The colors are dull and the smell musty. Though I can’t exactly remember a time before being in the kingdom, I know I’ve been in this place before. I’m returning here, and I don’t like it. I already greatly miss my kingdom. I realize my journey back just got longer than I ever anticipated.

I look around me and realize I’m surrounded by people, some my own age. Within an instant, through their conversation and glares, I realize how pessimistic, haughty, and snobbish they all are. Fearfully judgmental, they’re all against each other.

But, have I a story for them!

Excitedly I tell them about the journey I just came back from: a land of dragons, floods, and a king’s personal recommendation. They laughed and sneered at me. I desperately tried to convince them, sharing that the most exciting thing was that I loved the King and knew that he loved me too. They asked me to prove it. I rummage through my papers, and can’t seem to find it. All I can find are once meaningful, now meaningless, awards and accolades of accomplishment. They’re awards I’d forgotten about, awards I received in my time here before going to the kingdom. But, I didn’t care about them anymore. They all seemed dull and meaningless. All that mattered to me now was that recommendation from the king from that vibrant kingdom.

Before I find it, the people mock me for my rediculous imagination, and walk off sneering. After rummaging a while longer, I find it, the last paper in my hand. I look at it and realize it looks much duller in this world’s light. Even though when I received it, it was beautiful beyond compare. It does not matter. I know who it's from and what it’s worth even if those people that walked off don’t.

I don’t know how, but I know that I’ll get to go back there one day. And when I arrive before the King, welcomed into his presence, I will recognize him and he will recognize me. 

Car Trouble

So I'm currently at a friend's brother's girlfriend's campus apartment in Nashville. Did you get that?
At the moment, I'm just chillin. And thinking about and being thankful about how awesome all of my friends are. That's all cool and all but, "Rachel," you ask "isn't today the last day of fall break, and don't classes start again tomorrow?" Why yes, you're absolutely right.

I was heading back from a lovely and refreshing trip to WS. I got to see some close friends, record music, worship, play games, eat venison pot roast, go hiking, visit Asheville, quality time with my bff, drive along the blue ridge parkway with the beautiful changing fall leaves... Basically, it really couldn't have been a better break.

I leave this morning for my drive back to Memphis. Well, after about 6/7ish hours of driving I gas up at Lebanon, TN. Earlier that afternoon, I had a random kick while driving. I wrote it off as it was not repeated.

Well, as I'm driving away from Lebanon on I-40 (at 3.2 miles to be precise), I get some more light hearted kicks. And then, wha-wha, my RPMs all of a sudden drop. And, I's got no juice.
I start slowing down from my 70 mph on the highway with cars zipping all around me. I go to neutral and back to drive and still nothin. I immediately change lanes (with my quickly diminishing momentum it's hard to do safely).

I try turning off my car and trying starting it again. It's trying but nothing's catching. Great.
I pop the hood and, oh goody, a baby cloud of black smoke arises. My favorite. My mechanically uneducated understanding has no idea what the heck is wrong. I thought the problem might be a belt issue as the smoke was coming from the vicinity of a belt... but let's be honest. I'm pretty sure I made that up cause I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I quickly get in my car and start praying. Not so much "God, fix this."But more of "God, you have a plan. You hear my prayer and you're aware of what's going on. Help me to give thanks in all things. And, oh yeah, help me deal with this situation." Which honestly surprised even myself. Mostly because if this had happened even earlier today, I'm not sure if I would have been in a place where I could/be able to do that.

A morning of meditating on memory verses and praying while driving is the only reason I was/am able to respond to this in the way that I did. My intentionality of intimacy with God this morning determined whether or not I responded in a way that showed trust in God.

My car still didn't turn on after I prayed. I called AAA. My membership was overdue. So, before they could help me I had to pay the annual dues. An hour later, the tow truck finally came to tow me to Nashville- the guy was super nice and friendly (a plus for a lone traveler). He took me to the first place AAA suggested which looked super sketch. It was closed for the night anyway. I called again and asked for another garage/auto repair address. We arrived 3 minutes before they closed. Just in time to fill out paperwork and have it ready to look at first thing in the morning. With violin, gig bag, and overnight bag in tow I wander to the 24 hr McDonalds as I plot my next move. Commence try to find a place to stay Telethon 2013...

Yesterday, while traveling to Asheville my phone died. At the time, I told myself, I really need to be more careful about that and not have that happen again. Today, I'm extremely thankful that I had full batteries with all of my electronics. And, that McDonalds has free wi-fi.

To be honest, it was at this point where I started panicking. It was not that I just had my car break down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and am now stranded in a unfamiliar city. Psh, that's old news... Instead it was the ever present reminder that I'm dirt poor right now. I'm trying hard to be financially independent. And there's the definite probability that I won't be able to pay for this without asking for my parents help. And because I equate financial independence with adulthood and responsible maturity, the idea of having to ask for financial help is basically saying: I've failed.

This past summer I've "gotten over myself" with asking for places to stay (even for long periods of time) and being able to ask for, much less accept, people's generosity. Heck I've even been getting over caring so much about looking stupid. But, coming to terms with failing to fit my self imposed image of responsibility?
Such as... the possibility of needing to ask for money from someone (even your parents)...

I think all of it goes down to this conception that true wisdom and maturity "must" mean you will be prepared for any and all unexpected disasters, whenever they hit. But, I don't think that's right. I have an inkling that wisdom and maturity have a whole lot more to do with how you respond to stressful and unexpected situations. And somehow, I think I was showing more maturity sitting on the side of the interstate praying than I was sitting in McDonalds freaking out. But, I could be wrong...

I guess this post really isn't finished in that this "problem" of my car isn't exactly fixed. But, at the moment I realize there's not much I can do beyond what I'm doing now.
Praying and trusting. And get back to keep trying to do that whole thing of being a grad student and an adult at the same time.

Wish I could have stayed in NC longer

Getting Over Myself

So, I've been in Memphis over a month now, and I feel like I'm starting to find a groove. My housemates and I hosted our first party this weekend in order to better know the other grad students. We had a good turn out and we had a great time.

Since coming here, I've felt confident. Sure of myself. Ready. I know it had a lot to do with the fact that I decided who I wanted to be when I moved here. New start and all that. I can wish to be something else all I want, but it's when I start acting like what I want to be that it starts becoming a reality.

This summer I learned more than I can probably ever spit out. Though I'll try. I love talking about what I learned, and most days I realize something more how my time in Europe changed me.

One was an acceptance of a calling God's placed in my life. I had this perspective that the fruition of my calling would just one day happen. But, I found out that's wrong. What I'm called to/going to do I need to start acting like I'm going to do it, now. Start living that identity today. Not when the time comes and I'm "ready".

Second, this summer was one huge lesson in getting over myself. I think I mentioned this in my summer blog about constantly looking like an idiot and having to come to terms with that. You don't know the language, everyone knows you're an American, you're lost 90% of the time and have to ask for directions, etc. You walk down the street and there is no feasible way to hide the fact that you have no idea what you're doing. And EVERYONE knows it. No, seriously.

The funny thing is, why do we ever think that we CAN hide it? I mean really. This summer has been excellent training for this recent move. Looking like an idiot forces you to come to terms with your inability to always know everything.

And lets have a honest moment and say that people don't like not knowing. Can I get an amen? Don't leave me hanging. I don't like not knowing and I know I'm not the only one.
"Why?" was and is my favorite question. But basing your comfort, satisfaction, success, purpose, or whatever, on whether you have that answer is a recipe for staying only in situations where you can predict or control the outcome. That sounds like a boring life to me.

I'm used to knowing things when it comes to music. At least a fairly decent amount.
I'm taking this class where I'm constantly being reminded that I don't know shit. While on many levels, I love this class, it is far from comfortable. Realizing "I don't know shit" and having everyone else know too is something that's hard to sit still for.

This last class, my biggest issue I realized is learning to get over myself. It's being in Austria all over again. It's just a little less glamorous, there's no wienerschnitzle afterwards, and I'm surrounded by poor lighting and boring architecture.

I have to ask questions to learn.
Even if they sound stupid.
I have to try.
Even if I make mistakes.
And I have to be okay with not knowing everything.

Who knew that being good at something could wind up being an inhibition.
I can't chicken out just because I'm afraid I'll fall flat on my face.

Closet Case Introvert

This might sound weird, but I had an epiphany understanding how I process things. There's been a recent craze about introvert-ism , and how they're cool people too. You've probably seen posts about that plastered all over your facebook wall like mine. I eventually started reading some of them.

It's weird that growing up, for some reason, I thought I was an extrovert. I'm not entirely sure when that got started. I'm sure along the way somewhere I started idealizing extroverts and wanted to be just like them. I probably also compared myself to my parents (who are probably more introverted than I am) and decided, compared to them, I must be extroverted. But it's only been within the past few months that I've only begun to ask, hmmm, could I be an introvert?

///Reality Shift///

I just listened to this TED talk called: The Power of Introverts. The speaker said, in a group of people, we "instinctively mimic ideas and opinions, regardless of their quality. We innately follow the most charismatic or dominant person in the room. Regardless of the fact that just because your the best talker doesn't mean you have the best ideas. It's much better to for everyone to go off by themselves and generate their own ideas free from distortion of group dynamics. And then have everyone come together in a well managed environment."

That last part was a truth bomb for me. I instinctively know that I need time away from people or I have no idea what I really want anymore. But, I'm not sure if I admit that to myself. I need time to generate my own ideas (even opinions, and tastes) or I consistently mimic my identity away.

Good golly.

Know yourself. It would seem like that shouldn't be that hard. But, I don't really know what makes me thrive quite like I used to think. What environment makes me ready for the world around me?

Introvertism. You might not be so scary after all.