Appalachian Trail with a Toddler

It’s hard not to be apprehensive about this. My health has been disappointing at best this last year, i’m not in the same shape I was 2 years ago, and generally my mood hovers between panick-y and overwhelmed. Everything deserves the “nope, better not do it” attitude because it might be too much while trying to maintain a semblance of sanity. And yet, here I am, about to jump in (or is it more like ripping it off like a bandaid?) to 4 ½ days on the AT to finish up the Georgia section and begin our trek into North Carolina. 

It was 2 years ago in 2015, that my husband and I did our first section hike of the Appalachian Trail- 6 days going from Springer Mountain to Dick's Creek Gap (approx. 70 miles). At the time, we were doing it as part of our summer training (we hiked the Grand Canyon too) for our Pilgramage on the Camino Portugese. But, in the process, fell in love with the AT have made it our special project to finish together. 

Tomorrow we drive back to Georgie to finish up our last remaining miles in Georgia and continue on through North Carolina. Our hope is that while we will arrive around 3 in the afternoon and can get 8 miles in before breaking camp. That might be a stretch, and if it is, that's okay, as we've arranged to be a day ahead of schedule if we do it. Everyone wants to know how heavy our packs are. We learned a lot from our first trek and are packing much differently. 

That said we are adding a hungry toddler into the mix this time, so I think it's evened out. I’m at ~45 lbs with K-man riding and Joel’s is at ~50lbs. Both of our packs will get lighter as Kelton uses his biodegradable diapers, and as we all the eat food from Joel’s bag.

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What am I hoping to get out of this? Well, hopefully a little hope for the future. Maybe even a little courage and extra confidence for this coming year- that while true, not everything is worth the energy anymore. But, for the things that are, the reserves I have set aside for them will be back-stocked with an assurance that life works itself out- even after reproducing ;) Plus, who doesn't feel better after a couple of days in the woods?

Motherhood has brought her lesser known and less liked step-sister: constant anxiety and fatigue. After a year of it, I finally figured out, maybe this wasn’t normal after all and that maybe there was something wrong. Sure enough, I'd been sick with Epstein Barr. I’m still in the process of trying to change and add new things to help out with that. Meanwhile...

I want my son to know that, we did what we could to show him the joy of being outdoors. Showing him life can function, thrive, and blossom outside the constrictions of so deemed “necessities”. That life is sweeter when you peel away the excesses, and in the process find what’s truly valuable. And all in the openness of God’s green earth do we get to see His love for us. And, maybe just maybe, that if you just put one foot in front of the other, over and over, you can do anything. By the sounds of it, parenthood just might showing your kids the lessons you're learning yourself.

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As I was figuring out this trip, all I wanted to know was what do people bring for overnight hiking with a 16 month old toddler. I've breast fed our son until about 2 weeks ago and (i.e. he's fully weaned now). I wanted to know what other responsible mothers brought for their baby koalas. So, if anyone else wants to see our pack list, let me know.

Seeing Is Believing

I'm currently reading C.S. Lewis' Problem of Pain. And, in an unexpected start to the book he talks about he origins of religion. Whenever I read C.S. Lewis all these questions rise to the surface. They were there beforehand, but it takes reading C.S. Lewis' rich literature to pull them out into discussion.

It even gets me to thinking about how I'd say things, perhaps better, perhaps worse, but nonetheless differently. And, today's reading made me want to talk about the process to faith in Christ.

But before I do, I first want talk about intimacy. It might seem like an unusual side track when you're wanting to talk about the origins and manifestation of a life of faith, but to do so you first have to understand intimacy. Let me explain...

     Intimacy- is a moment between two beings of understanding; to be known, either wholly or in part, but fully; to be seen and acknowledged.

When love is involved, there is sacrifice in the knowing of another being. For it requires a splitting of one's self to join with another; and in so doing gives the gift of self. In the physical, it appears as though all that is necessary is for one to give and intimacy is achieved. But in fact whether physically or Spiritually, the intimacy needs to be mutual, although through different acts: giving and receiving.

Humanity knows of God through revelations of, or by coming near, a spiritual presence. That  spiritual presence brings our nakedness [ability to be seen] to the forefront.

C.S Lewis describes experiencing deity [Numinous] :

Suppose you were told there was a tiger in the next room: you would know that you were in danger and would probably feel fear. But if you were told "There is a ghost in the next room," and believed it, you would feel, indeed, what is often called fear, but of a different kind. It would not be based on the knowledge of danger, for no one is primarily afraid of what a ghost may do to him, but of the mere fact that it is a ghost. It is "uncanny" rather than dangerous, and the special kind of fear it excites may be called Dread. With the Uncanny one has reached the fringes of the Numinous. Now suppose that you were told simply "There is a mighty spirit in the room," and believed it. Your feelings would then be even less like the mere fear of danger: but the disturbance would be profound. You would feel wonder and a certain shrinking—a sense of inadequacy to cope with such a visitant of prostration before it—an emotion which might be expressed in Shakespeare's words "Under it my genius is rebuked." This feeling may be described as awe, and the object which excites it as the Numinous.^[2]

I want take his definition of dread one step further making the connection that it is also our vulnerabilty to this deity that causes dread or awe. This is why we "dread" the spiritual world, we are unable to hide ourselves. But, through revelation or proximity, there is also an unveiling of God's Divine Love: Love that is given (not received) undeservedly [Love's grace].

But, what makes it undeserved? There is something that separates us from receiving Divine love. That something is failing to live up to a Universal Law. There has always been a presiding Law over the universe: things to do and not to do. Even when humanity was first created there was a Law: do not eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Up until this point, humans were intimate with God. Their innocence was as of yet untampered.

God is good [righteous] and He loves good. To love is to give oneself (see above). When we disobeyed [sinned] we were no longer righteous and where therefore separated from God and His love.

     The Law brings the Wrath of God.
     Wrath: anger at the inability or unwillingness to receive God's love- to receive God.

     The Law brings judgement.
     Judgement: separation from God-- the Judgement of sin leads to death.

When we sinned we called upon the promise of God's love, proven by His unchanging character, to deliver himself to us in a way in which we could receive it.

Jesus on the cross, when God turned His face, was separated from God and experienced the effects of separation from immortality into mortal death. But, because of his righteousness defeated death.

If we see the love of God and receive it, we are saved. If we see God's love through Jesus we are joined with God. God gives himself individually and corporately through the Holy Spirit. With the Holy Spirit living inside us we are now the body of Christ.

Just a Finger Painter

Does God Care?

That question comes to mind often when I'm on hour 4 of practicing technique that day. It comes again, 4 months in on my project of learning a violin concerto for an upcoming recital. When I'm so tired, the last thing I want to do is to keep going.

There's confusion of conflicting expectations: "just do your best" seems to never realistically line up with avoiding mediocrity while not idolizing perfection. You wonder, or maybe it's just me, "what does God really want from me?".

I ask this question coming from an established confirmation that I'm doing God's will for my life and simultaneously using the talents he has for me to worship Him. That's out of the way. But, there's something missing... Where does this elusive satisfaction come in? Especially when my battling inner monologues seem to always lean towards extremism.

On the right we have: God's pleased with my worship. Stop trying to put in qualifiers that He's only pleased when something meets man's approval first. Perfectionism is unattainable; so why do I keep expecting myself to have it already?


Compare that with the left: Do I really want to bring this unprepared, unpolished, and vague expression before God and call it worship? This presentation would be torn apart by it's inability to pass high standards of beauty and communication. Do I want to give something to God that would be shredded by professional expectations?

Hence my dilemma.
"When I feel like crap, apply the right. When I sound like crap, apply the left. Rinse, repeat."

The best I could do was, and has been, to ask.
God, what do you really care about?

This is the story He showed me.

A small child hears their papa is coming home in the next few minutes. So excited about the news, he runs off to paint a picture of his Papa coming home. The child paints a picture with the love only a child can display using finger paint. It resembles our own childhood pictures- complete with stick figures and a smiling sun above their heads. The father comes home and is not only greeted by his eager child, but sees the picture his child painted. He loves it. He loves it because He loves his child. He loves it because he knows the love it was created with and he cherishes it. With pride He puts it on the wall of his study for all to see.

// I felt such relief, you cannot imagine. Knowing that God see's what I do for the act of love that it is, is hugely comforting. But, I felt like there was something missing. Almost defensively I asked God, "Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough to know that you cherish what I made for you?".

God showed me this. //

The child is now older. Growing quickly towards adulthood, his love for his father has deepened, matured along with his age. His understanding of who his father is, was not the same as when they were younger. In it's place he has found his father is kinder, wiser, stronger, and more generous than He knew before. He still loves to paint and continues to give his paintings to his Papa. And his father still loves to see his paintings and continues to receive them gladly posting them in his studio.

One day, the child, who's almost an adult, goes into his father's study and looks at the compilations of his paintings. He thinks back to how he used to think of his Father with the help of his older paintings. He sighs with satisfaction that with his maturity he knows more about his Father now than when he was 4. His father hasn't changed, but his understanding of him certainly has. He leans closer towards his earlier paintings. He realizes the details portraying His father just didn't come out the way he saw him now. His 5 minute before dinner time finger paintings didn't look as much like his Papa as he thought at the time. He realized his Papa knew what the paintings meant, because he knew me. But, if anyone else saw, they wouldn't see the Papa he knew and loved.

Those paintings have always been enough. Because I made them. But, I realized I wanted my paintings to be seen by others and to be able to see what I saw. My Papa in his splendor.

Dragons and a King's Love

So this post is a little different today. I had a fantastic dream last night. In fact I haven’t had this great of a dream in a long time. It was so cool I had to write it down before I forgot it.
It seemed like a cool enough story to share so here it is….
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It felt real. I was in a fantastical world that was back in the ages of knights, castles, and dragons. The colors were vibrant, colorful, and the smells were fresh on the wind. Honor was revered, and strength was acknowledged for being greater when restrained.

A terrible reign by a fearful and greedy king had finally been overturned. And in his place ruled a strong, just, and peaceful king. He was a good man and respected by every one. A man of the people, he would interact with his subjects’ daily. When he wasn’t working along side them in the fields, he was riding in his royal carriage, led by gallant steeds, overseeing his kingdom. The land suffered no want and each man was content and satisfied.

Suddenly there were dragons everywhere. They were menacing and unruly. Of the dragons, the biggest   dragon went straight for the castle. I knew the king along with the kingdom was in trouble. Suddenly, I’m face to face with a dragon. The dragon snaps his jaws at me. I thrust my arms out trying to grab hold of his jaws and keep him arms length away. But, I know my own strength will not last holding him away from me. Someone else, a friend, is on top of the dragon and tells me to jump on its head. I sum up the courage and do it. I jump and, at the same time, the dragon lunges forward. With a twisted flip I land safely on his head. My hands still on the dragon’s head, I realize that his head goes in whichever direction I steer it. Suddenly I realize, this isn’t a bad dragon after all. I pat his neck beneath where I’m sitting and the dragon responds with an affectionate purr.

The giant dragon meanwhile is quickly climbing the towers of the castle and laying waste to everything around him. I know there is only one shot to taking this monstrosity down. I have a weapon, a missile of some sort. It’s similar to an arrow but with the directional and explosive power of a guided torpedo. 

With the assistance of my new dragon comrade, I aim and fire. A successful hit! The giant dragon lets go his hold on the towers and begins his descent to the earth. As he’s falling from the sky I see the King’s carriage running out of the gates just seconds before the dragon crashes into the courtyard. But, he’s not completely safe yet. Suddenly smaller dragons surround the carriage.

I hurry over and, with my own dragon's help, scare them off and defeat them. I find out from them that they’ve been sent as an attack from the overthrown enemy king.

The fight has almost subsided by this point. Others are courageously taking up the fight and regaining control of the kingdom.

But, things are not over. Night falls and an eerie moonlight covers the land. I have a bad feeling that we need to take cover for safety. There seem to be enemies lurking about in the darkness. My new dragon comrade and I find a tall tree to roost in for the night. A giant wise owl is already there sitting, watching. We wait the night and eat a small ration of food for our dinner. The tree is so heavy with our weight that it sways back and forth with the wind. Then, a giant flood comes rushing across the land. Thankfully, we’re high enough to be safe. Eventually, the flood waters slowly recede. The giant owl eventually flies away and I know it's safe to come down from the tree.

After we’re safe on the ground again, I receive a hand written message from the King thanking me for my contribution, self sacrifice, and courage. His and the kingdom’s safety is owed to my service. I am honored among the kingdom, and he bestows me his eternal favor.

I always knew He was a good king, but now I experience for myself how good he actually was. And, I knew that I loved him. I knew that when, in the future, when we ever meet, he would love me too. I make a decision to go on a quest to request the presence of the king. I’m on the opposite side of the country, so I know it will take a long journey to get there. I’m a knight and I feel strong and noble. I know that if I request the King’s presence, it will be granted. 

Suddenly I’m pulled away. My life changes time and location. The kingdom, king, and my dragon still exist, but it’s like I jumped across a time wrinkle into a far less exciting world and time. Where nothing exciting happens, because they don’t believe it can and that’s just not how it’s done. The colors are dull and the smell musty. Though I can’t exactly remember a time before being in the kingdom, I know I’ve been in this place before. I’m returning here, and I don’t like it. I already greatly miss my kingdom. I realize my journey back just got longer than I ever anticipated.

I look around me and realize I’m surrounded by people, some my own age. Within an instant, through their conversation and glares, I realize how pessimistic, haughty, and snobbish they all are. Fearfully judgmental, they’re all against each other.

But, have I a story for them!

Excitedly I tell them about the journey I just came back from: a land of dragons, floods, and a king’s personal recommendation. They laughed and sneered at me. I desperately tried to convince them, sharing that the most exciting thing was that I loved the King and knew that he loved me too. They asked me to prove it. I rummage through my papers, and can’t seem to find it. All I can find are once meaningful, now meaningless, awards and accolades of accomplishment. They’re awards I’d forgotten about, awards I received in my time here before going to the kingdom. But, I didn’t care about them anymore. They all seemed dull and meaningless. All that mattered to me now was that recommendation from the king from that vibrant kingdom.

Before I find it, the people mock me for my rediculous imagination, and walk off sneering. After rummaging a while longer, I find it, the last paper in my hand. I look at it and realize it looks much duller in this world’s light. Even though when I received it, it was beautiful beyond compare. It does not matter. I know who it's from and what it’s worth even if those people that walked off don’t.

I don’t know how, but I know that I’ll get to go back there one day. And when I arrive before the King, welcomed into his presence, I will recognize him and he will recognize me. 

Car Trouble

So I'm currently at a friend's brother's girlfriend's campus apartment in Nashville. Did you get that?
At the moment, I'm just chillin. And thinking about and being thankful about how awesome all of my friends are. That's all cool and all but, "Rachel," you ask "isn't today the last day of fall break, and don't classes start again tomorrow?" Why yes, you're absolutely right.

I was heading back from a lovely and refreshing trip to WS. I got to see some close friends, record music, worship, play games, eat venison pot roast, go hiking, visit Asheville, quality time with my bff, drive along the blue ridge parkway with the beautiful changing fall leaves... Basically, it really couldn't have been a better break.

I leave this morning for my drive back to Memphis. Well, after about 6/7ish hours of driving I gas up at Lebanon, TN. Earlier that afternoon, I had a random kick while driving. I wrote it off as it was not repeated.

Well, as I'm driving away from Lebanon on I-40 (at 3.2 miles to be precise), I get some more light hearted kicks. And then, wha-wha, my RPMs all of a sudden drop. And, I's got no juice.
I start slowing down from my 70 mph on the highway with cars zipping all around me. I go to neutral and back to drive and still nothin. I immediately change lanes (with my quickly diminishing momentum it's hard to do safely).

I try turning off my car and trying starting it again. It's trying but nothing's catching. Great.
I pop the hood and, oh goody, a baby cloud of black smoke arises. My favorite. My mechanically uneducated understanding has no idea what the heck is wrong. I thought the problem might be a belt issue as the smoke was coming from the vicinity of a belt... but let's be honest. I'm pretty sure I made that up cause I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I quickly get in my car and start praying. Not so much "God, fix this."But more of "God, you have a plan. You hear my prayer and you're aware of what's going on. Help me to give thanks in all things. And, oh yeah, help me deal with this situation." Which honestly surprised even myself. Mostly because if this had happened even earlier today, I'm not sure if I would have been in a place where I could/be able to do that.

A morning of meditating on memory verses and praying while driving is the only reason I was/am able to respond to this in the way that I did. My intentionality of intimacy with God this morning determined whether or not I responded in a way that showed trust in God.

My car still didn't turn on after I prayed. I called AAA. My membership was overdue. So, before they could help me I had to pay the annual dues. An hour later, the tow truck finally came to tow me to Nashville- the guy was super nice and friendly (a plus for a lone traveler). He took me to the first place AAA suggested which looked super sketch. It was closed for the night anyway. I called again and asked for another garage/auto repair address. We arrived 3 minutes before they closed. Just in time to fill out paperwork and have it ready to look at first thing in the morning. With violin, gig bag, and overnight bag in tow I wander to the 24 hr McDonalds as I plot my next move. Commence try to find a place to stay Telethon 2013...

Yesterday, while traveling to Asheville my phone died. At the time, I told myself, I really need to be more careful about that and not have that happen again. Today, I'm extremely thankful that I had full batteries with all of my electronics. And, that McDonalds has free wi-fi.

To be honest, it was at this point where I started panicking. It was not that I just had my car break down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and am now stranded in a unfamiliar city. Psh, that's old news... Instead it was the ever present reminder that I'm dirt poor right now. I'm trying hard to be financially independent. And there's the definite probability that I won't be able to pay for this without asking for my parents help. And because I equate financial independence with adulthood and responsible maturity, the idea of having to ask for financial help is basically saying: I've failed.

This past summer I've "gotten over myself" with asking for places to stay (even for long periods of time) and being able to ask for, much less accept, people's generosity. Heck I've even been getting over caring so much about looking stupid. But, coming to terms with failing to fit my self imposed image of responsibility?
Such as... the possibility of needing to ask for money from someone (even your parents)...

I think all of it goes down to this conception that true wisdom and maturity "must" mean you will be prepared for any and all unexpected disasters, whenever they hit. But, I don't think that's right. I have an inkling that wisdom and maturity have a whole lot more to do with how you respond to stressful and unexpected situations. And somehow, I think I was showing more maturity sitting on the side of the interstate praying than I was sitting in McDonalds freaking out. But, I could be wrong...

I guess this post really isn't finished in that this "problem" of my car isn't exactly fixed. But, at the moment I realize there's not much I can do beyond what I'm doing now.
Praying and trusting. And get back to keep trying to do that whole thing of being a grad student and an adult at the same time.

Wish I could have stayed in NC longer

Getting Over Myself

So, I've been in Memphis over a month now, and I feel like I'm starting to find a groove. My housemates and I hosted our first party this weekend in order to better know the other grad students. We had a good turn out and we had a great time.

Since coming here, I've felt confident. Sure of myself. Ready. I know it had a lot to do with the fact that I decided who I wanted to be when I moved here. New start and all that. I can wish to be something else all I want, but it's when I start acting like what I want to be that it starts becoming a reality.

This summer I learned more than I can probably ever spit out. Though I'll try. I love talking about what I learned, and most days I realize something more how my time in Europe changed me.

One was an acceptance of a calling God's placed in my life. I had this perspective that the fruition of my calling would just one day happen. But, I found out that's wrong. What I'm called to/going to do I need to start acting like I'm going to do it, now. Start living that identity today. Not when the time comes and I'm "ready".

Second, this summer was one huge lesson in getting over myself. I think I mentioned this in my summer blog about constantly looking like an idiot and having to come to terms with that. You don't know the language, everyone knows you're an American, you're lost 90% of the time and have to ask for directions, etc. You walk down the street and there is no feasible way to hide the fact that you have no idea what you're doing. And EVERYONE knows it. No, seriously.

The funny thing is, why do we ever think that we CAN hide it? I mean really. This summer has been excellent training for this recent move. Looking like an idiot forces you to come to terms with your inability to always know everything.

And lets have a honest moment and say that people don't like not knowing. Can I get an amen? Don't leave me hanging. I don't like not knowing and I know I'm not the only one.
"Why?" was and is my favorite question. But basing your comfort, satisfaction, success, purpose, or whatever, on whether you have that answer is a recipe for staying only in situations where you can predict or control the outcome. That sounds like a boring life to me.

I'm used to knowing things when it comes to music. At least a fairly decent amount.
I'm taking this class where I'm constantly being reminded that I don't know shit. While on many levels, I love this class, it is far from comfortable. Realizing "I don't know shit" and having everyone else know too is something that's hard to sit still for.

This last class, my biggest issue I realized is learning to get over myself. It's being in Austria all over again. It's just a little less glamorous, there's no wienerschnitzle afterwards, and I'm surrounded by poor lighting and boring architecture.

I have to ask questions to learn.
Even if they sound stupid.
I have to try.
Even if I make mistakes.
And I have to be okay with not knowing everything.

Who knew that being good at something could wind up being an inhibition.
I can't chicken out just because I'm afraid I'll fall flat on my face.

Closet Case Introvert

This might sound weird, but I had an epiphany understanding how I process things. There's been a recent craze about introvert-ism , and how they're cool people too. You've probably seen posts about that plastered all over your facebook wall like mine. I eventually started reading some of them.

It's weird that growing up, for some reason, I thought I was an extrovert. I'm not entirely sure when that got started. I'm sure along the way somewhere I started idealizing extroverts and wanted to be just like them. I probably also compared myself to my parents (who are probably more introverted than I am) and decided, compared to them, I must be extroverted. But it's only been within the past few months that I've only begun to ask, hmmm, could I be an introvert?

///Reality Shift///

I just listened to this TED talk called: The Power of Introverts. The speaker said, in a group of people, we "instinctively mimic ideas and opinions, regardless of their quality. We innately follow the most charismatic or dominant person in the room. Regardless of the fact that just because your the best talker doesn't mean you have the best ideas. It's much better to for everyone to go off by themselves and generate their own ideas free from distortion of group dynamics. And then have everyone come together in a well managed environment."

That last part was a truth bomb for me. I instinctively know that I need time away from people or I have no idea what I really want anymore. But, I'm not sure if I admit that to myself. I need time to generate my own ideas (even opinions, and tastes) or I consistently mimic my identity away.

Good golly.

Know yourself. It would seem like that shouldn't be that hard. But, I don't really know what makes me thrive quite like I used to think. What environment makes me ready for the world around me?

Introvertism. You might not be so scary after all.

Readjust Your Focus

"Some days to keep you going, you have to ask yourself "Do I really want this?" If it's no, sometimes you have to look further down the road and ask, "But, do I want that?" 


At this very moment, I don't want to do my taxes. 
But, instead I choose to look forward to my refund check.

I don't want to study, practice, or do anything that even remotely sounds stressful. 
Instead I'm looking towards graduation and a summer break in 6 weeks.

There were numerous times I didn't want to practice this year when I had auditions coming up. But, I asked myself "Do I really want that position/job/fellowship?" With some of them I realized, no, I don't actually want that. Figuring that out was helpful so I didn't waste my time on projects I didn't really care about. But, there were other things that I realized, yes, I do in fact want them. 

I realize that I am a short sighted, whiny, hopeful to the point of entitled, person who wants what they want when they want it. I'm a "victim" of the times, my generation, being an American, and just being a sinner. At the first sign of struggle, difficulty makes me want to raise my hands in the air and go "can't do it". 

That's why I have to constantly readjust my focus. I have to look beyond what is going on right now, write/vent my whininess out in my journals and move on, and even ask myself why I really want something. 

Don't Forget

I just got a letter in the mail today. It was from me. 9 months ago, my Suzuki teacher trainer had us write a plan with goals for the next year. He also had us write a letter to ourselves encouraging us about things that we were learning at the institute, that we might need to be reminded of later. Our teacher held on to the letters to send them to us later.

I didn't think I could be so encouraged by reading an old "to do" list. Most of the time, I don't feel like I ever accomplish what I set out to do, and writing it down just makes me feel worse about myself.
This time, it wasn't that way. Most of the things on the list I've actually done, or am in the middle of doing. Regarding the things I haven't done I'm either: okay with not actually doing because plans changed or they're very much in reach of being accomplished.

The point of this is not to look at a piece of paper and go, "Oh, well I have (or haven't) made good use of my time based on whether I set out to do what I said I would do." But, it is a reminder of the fact that we can live our lives with purpose and creativity. If we start living with purpose, just maybe we can start changing ourselves (and maybe other people's lives too) for the better. And if we live creatively, maybe we will have more reason and inspiration to keep doing what we love to do.

~Music Goals
-Be ready to graduate in May (check!!)
-Have post-graduate option plans submitted/auditioned
    Lincoln Center Fellowship (no...)
    New World, Symphony in C, Civic (New World Sub Audition in April!)
    Contact Teacher to Suzuki Shadow (no time or readily available local resources)
    Orchestra Auditions (Memphis, yes; Charlotte and Raleigh, Audition in May/June)

~Teaching Goals
-Stay Creative and Flexible (daily choice)
-Find another institute for violin teacher training bk. 2 (not yet, waiting to hear back from other things first; possible choice Stevens Point)
-Expand/Maintain teaching to 5 students (Total of 9: 1 UNCSA, 6 Separk, 2 Private)

~Personal Development (Read)
-Nurtured by Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)
-I Prefer to Learn with Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)

~Personal Health
-Make time for moments of joy in music regularly (yes: church worship, band, improv)
-Play for at least one retirement home, hospital, or day care (not yet, but plan to before my recital)
-Keep Dancing (yes, it's so good for my soul!)

Here's my letter:

Hey Rachel,

So, you've not only enjoyed this week at Eastern Carolina University Suzuki Institute, you've needed it.
[There's] Musical and spiritual healing going on right here. Don't let the craziness of school make you forget- you're a Suzuki kid. 

And, by that I mean, you don't have to keep letting criticism and negativity determine your choices musically, vocationally, or what you do with your time. 

Remember, the world can and does run on love (Christ made it that way). And it's okay for music to be about love, too.

Your future is important. But, not as important as making sure you love what you do, who you are, and who you are with. The power to change things when you start living will surprise you. Keep following God, and you'll be following love. He made it that way on purpose.

P.S. If I could be at Suzuki Institutes like this all the time, I think I'd be just fine with that. Tickled pink, in fact. 

House of Cards

So, I''m juggling this intimidating schedule with multiple things going demanding my time and energy. I just had Spring Break, if you can call it that. Basically it was a weekend out of town, otherwise I worked, taught, and rehearsed like usual. I was able to get a few things done that I have just been unable to do while school was marching on. Well, it's Monday and the last few weeks before graduating are definitely holding nothing back. I wish I could say that I'm excited. I'm reaching a point where if I do make it across this freakish finish line, celebrating isn't even in the picture anymore. I have a vivid expectation that I will I collapse with the only energy to keep breathing. A medically induced coma sounds kind of appealing, not gonna lie.

I've been doing pretty well this semester. And by well, I mean dealing with all of my crazy things to do. Performing with Greensboro Symphony, subbing with Winston-Salem Symphony, teaching violin lessons, assistant teaching at school, being librarian (and human stapler) to the orchestra, Concertmaster of school orchestra, Bible study co-leader, church band member, and oh yeah I forgot, student. Friend got left off that list this time, cause I'm pretty sure I've been a lousy one this term. And I guess we can throw in the fact that I'm desperately trying to prepare for "life after graduation". Whatever that does and can mean, I feel like I'm grasping at trying to accomplish.

Well, the house of cards had a good shake down today. I found out I have a book report/class presentation due tomorrow morning at 10 am. I don't even know what book the book report is on to begin with. I don't think there's any amount of bullshitting you can do to cover that one up. I just asked the teacher for an extension. In all fairness, the syllabus has conflicting and contradictory assignments posted. It's just unfortunate that I looked at the one that says mine isn't due until next month.

Teach Me Love

Whenever I get the inspiration to write, I always hope that it will turn out as good as it sounds inside my head. I'm not there yet, but I try.

This afternoon I was talking with a girl who's a few years younger than me. She was asking for some advice in a situation. The girl finds herself being "confessed to" by her piers about all the bad things they've done over the weekend. The girl, as sweet and well behaved as you could imagine, can't relate to those things. A part of her doesn't want to out of a fear of condoning said behavior. But, she realizes that if she goes "Oh, I'm sorry" that doesn't quite deal with the real issue.

These people are sinners. And, so are we. People know we're Christians. But, what they don't know is if we're sinners too. We try to act so perfect, people sometimes wonder if we think we are too. But the reality of it is that we need Jesus just as much as they do.

These people come, with obvious brokeness, not for the confirmation that what they're doing is wrong, but that they're still eligible for God's grace and love. Next time you're confronted with someone who says "Man, this weekend I did ____" Maybe that's an opportunity. An opportunity to reciprocate that vulnerability with a "you know what, I struggle with ___..." or "I have done ___ and God was good to forgive me and give me grace. The same way God loves me, He loves you too."

That evening I was reminded that when we're vulnerable with God about who we are, He shows us who He is. And, by doing that shows us who we because of who he is.

When people tell us who they are, they want to know who God is. Not who we wish or want them to be.

Finely Out of Focus

I see the sun
on the far horizon
I greet the ground
beneath my feet
I carry my memories
they taste hard and sweet

I don't know where
my road will take me
all I carry is what I've learned
life's prizes don't come free

glimpses of his love
that spurs me on
I seize the moment
before it's gone

life's travels can be a mystery
but what is clear is what's before me
the future finely out of focus
only time will tell what it will be

Convictional Change

Personal Challenge Moment

On my mind and on my heart earlier this week: Who to vote for?
I prayed about it, and then today I voted.

But, that's not enough. There's so much hate about everything political, that it's impossible to take a stance on anything without being attacked. It makes me hate ever talking about politics to the point where I've made my political viewpoint more and more private.

But, here's what I decided.
Whether I agree with people politically or not, debating about who will do the best job, or how that job should be done, I know that what we care about is the same. And, that's what I want to talk about. I believe we care about people. We want people to be valued. We want to know that we are valued.

You see someone who has no food and is hungry and thirsty.
You see someone who is sick and is in need of help.
You see someone defenseless with no way of protecting themselves.
You see someone who is different, and people out of fear separate them from everyone else.
You see someone making a choice for themselves at the physical hurt of others.

And we respond with pity, we turn away, we judge, we scorn, we excuse.
And most often we are actively vocal about our concern for people not stepping in to help.

How often do I see something wrong, and instead of stepping up, I point out the obvious fact that people or a situation needs help

This should be convicting.

And when I say convicting, what I really mean is that it should become a challenge in your life with tangible results from you.

So, this year (regardless of who takes office, or who is in political power) let's take the power and freedom that we have as US citizens and be that change. Start small and we can make big changes: the friends we love, in the neighborhood we live, in the community we are a part, and in the city we live. That's how real change happens. Permanent change in one person's life can permanently change other's for good.

Don't wait for someone else to do the things you are feeling convicted about.

What does this look like for me? I'm so glad you asked.

Well, really what do I have that I can share, give, and help with?
Compared to some, I don't have much money. To others, I'm doing just fine. I tend to think I don't have much, but do have some. It is hard earned, and will consequently mean that much more when I give it away.
Time, like money, is equally valuable to myself and to others. What I do with it shows what I value most. Am I spending it all on myself, or am I sharing it with people who could benefit from someone just taking the time for them.
Labor is the doing part. Are you willing to make an effort for someone? Get your hands dirty? Make it what you will, but where we cannot give in one area we can certainly give in another.

So this year, I'm stopping with the excuses for myself or for others. I'm taking my convictions and making them an opportunity for change in my life, and hopefully, if you know me it will effect change for you too.

Giving Way

This practice room
really confines you
restricts you with what you are
and what you're holding onto
it's a place where mistakes
are brought to surface
and not just in the music
but your inner demons
that are keeping you from the music
the thoughts that say
you're not good enough
there's no redemption
it's all too late.
Waste of the talent you've been given
a wayward son beyond the reach of home.

And you were the only thing standing in the way.

Because in the practice room
it's just you and the music
You never know what will give way.
you hope to God, it's you

Wanting Him

I'm not a parent. And, don't forsee being one in the near future. But, I have this wonderful perspective of being a music teacher where I get to interact with parents and kids on a regular basis. My thoughts are therefore most heavily influenced by these experiences. So, if I were a parent and had a rule book to live by it would probably look something like this:

No. 1 rule of parenting:
Don't give children what's bad for said children.

Seems easy enough. I mean, that's why you're the grown up and they're the kid.
For instance, when they don't want to practice violin, keep encouraging them. They don't realize in their momentary emotion of hating music/practice/whatever, that they will like it once again when they get over whatever their most current obstacle is. Kids can't see into the future beyond dinner time. They can't begin to imagine that it's the obstacles they hate, not violin, art, or whatever vehicle an obstacle is being presented in.

That goes back to the age old idea that no one likes to struggle.
Except, maybe, the ones who've made it to the other side.

But, seriously, in the thick of it, no one wants it. Few, in the midst of something difficult, fully realize how much stronger they're going to be when they're done. But, when they reach the other side, that's when they realize the difference between the person who started the journey and the person who finished.

I've been thinking a lot about prayer. Two weeks ago I heard someone talk about how we need to "keep knocking" when it comes to praying. My favorite realization was when the speaker made the connection that the reason God answers our prayers is not out of "friendship" but out of our persistence. For instance, if we kept knocking asking for bread at a person's house, eventually they're gonna want to just shut us up and make us go away. It doesnt matter if they're our friend. If they don't give bread to us the first time we ask (like a friend would) they'll give it to us out of shear exhaustion of having to deal with our constant pestering. I see it now: "Here's your stinkin bread. Now, go away!"

Sounds weird, right? Well, then the connection was made- how often do we ask things of God because we think we are His friend? We ask because we think we're on "good enough" terms with him to deserve it.

I had two different reactions to this.

The first was, whoa. Truth bomb. I am not always God's friend. God is always mine, but I am not always a friend towards God. Our relationship is consistent in only one direction-God towards me. To think that I love God all the time is to lie to myself about the nature of my commitment to God.

The second was this. (And, here comes my inner battle...)

If I ask long enough, will God give me what I want, even if it's bad for me?

Top Secret Parenting Weakness No. 1:
If my kid keeps begging for something, long enough and loud enough, eventually I will cave and give them what they want out of exhaustion. Throw out and forget Parenting Rule No. 1.

If this strong willed, obstinate child wants what's bad for them, let them have it. There's a point where you can't make someone want what is good. They have to want it for themselves.
If they want to quit violin, and they push hard enough, so be it. Let them quit.
They beg to stay up all night, let them. Let them realize for themselves what a terrible idea not sleeping really is.

I guess, what I struggle with is: when I pray do I really want what God has for me (which will always turn out for eternal good). Whatever is good is of God, for it glorifies God. Or, do I pray for what I think will be good (for me) when and where I think I should have it? Am I praying for the here and the now, or the there and then? One way can have eternal results of treasure, the other possible eternal results of perhaps just painful lessons learned.

I don't want to be a spoiled child, resistant to future blessing because of current hardship.

And to be completely and selfishly honest, I don't want to learn more hard lessons than I have to.
I don't want to miss out on more than I have to (because I was too consumed with what I wanted).

I am continuously reminded that I don't know how prayer "works". Because, I keep falling into this trap that God is like a slot machine. If you put in the sacrificial coin, manipulate the machine just right, pull the lever with conviction and faith, then I'll get what I want. But, that's never what God wanted. God's purpose in all of this was never that we should get whatever we wanted. Because from the beginning, we never really wanted God. What God wants is relationship. God wants us to want Him. And it's funny how, that's what we're all searching for.

What is the wisdom that you are, 

My One, what do you see for me? 

How can I be, when the end seems so far,

less of me, and more of what you see? 

It's your token as a lover

to give instead of take

it's your love where I take cover

I live by your namesake

I sing your name, now my love

strength in your fullness make

that feeds my soul for life above

my love for you, now awake

living proof your will prevail 

living through drought, through flood

You shower me regardless, 

with your evidence of blood 

Assurance I have and know

built on grace that makes me free

that gives me purpose for life below

you bless me beyond what I foresee

  

What and Where

So, once again, the mood to write strikes when I'm trying to accomplish homework.

Just had a talk yesterday with the parentals about my future, job prospects, loans, and all things financial. A heavy topic for anyone in my opinion. I was in a poor mood to start with, trying to get ready for dinner and that evening's concert, while trying to communicate on a lousy phone.  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? The conversation didn't exactly go very smoothly.

But, we had a redo today. A little calmer, a little less stressed, and ready to ask and answer some questions.

I realized I have no idea where I want to do what I want. Yes, I said it weird. Basically, where do I want to live? I don't think I care as long as I can do music, make a living, and have a good community. I say think, because well, I don't think I care where I live. I love where I am, but I think I love it because of the amazing community, I'm playing music, and making a small living. If I could do that anywhere, I would probably love it there too.

I'm scared to come straight out with what I want. Why? Because if I do, that means I have to go all out straight for it. And I don't know if that's possible and pay my bills, feed myself, and have a place to live.

My parents reminded me, maybe I'm not going to have the perfect job right after school. And by not perfect, that could even mean not in my field. Waitress, nanny, whatever. They went on to say I may not be able to live in the place I want to live. That was a blow.

I've looked at people who finish school looking for the perfect job in their chosen career and gone, "They're so spoiled to think they can just get whatever they want immediately after school. People have to work to get what they want. Including jobs and careers."  Why had I not, until now, realized I was following the same thought process? I think I thought I was different.

Well, I'm gonna keep spitting out my dreams and maybe I'll get better ideas on how to make them a reality.
I want to play in a band. Like I'm doing at church. But paid. Tour. Make CD's. Worship God. Make music.
With that, I want to be in the studio making music on other musician's cd's too. Be a studio musician.
I would also like to keep myself in the classical music world. I want it all.

Maybe I'm waiting for someone to ask me, invite me into their pre-formed band that's ready to go be famous. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to do all the work for me.
I have not seriously considered starting my own band. But, maybe I need to. If that's the case, I have a lot more work to do than I thought.


The other options mentioned today were
Military gigs (the uniforms and job security are appealing)
Symphony in C, New Jersy
Chicago Civic
New World, Miami (fellowship)
Orchestra Librarian (dislike the work, but it's work)
Suzuki Teacher

Maybe I should move to Nashville. Audition for the symphony (that's how Edgar Meyer started (he was born in tulsa too!)), start a band, join a band, tour in between concerts, happily ever after set go.

No, but seriously. Maybe that's what I need to do. And in order to get there I should get lessons with somebody in the orchestra, play for people, etc. Also, check out teaching opportunities...But before that I should figure out what to play for them. That means more practice. Doesn't it always?




 

Meet and Greet

This morning was one of those mornings. Those mornings where I said I was going to go running with my friend at 7am. But, when my alarm went off, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I secretly wished that she would cancel.

But, she didn't, and in the end I'm glad. We both didn't run much, but we did do our allotted distance of 3 miles. And the conversation was good. As it always is.

The topic at hand was, as artists, we both want to make art that brings honor and glory to God. We have both come to terms with the fact that we love "high" art. But, we dislike the lifestyle that comes with it. And I use the term "high art" loosely. For my side of the conversation, high art is classical music. It's the art that I have gone to school to study and to further my education. But, we have both expressed our desire to serve and to have community with the lower to middle class populace who perhaps don't appreciate high art. You don't have to be super aware of culture to realize the rich and upper class are artists' biggest supporters and benefactors. So, as artists, we seem to be called to a profession where we are isolating ourselves from those who we want to serve. That's a dilemma.

I grew up listening and playing classical music. I study it, listen to it, and perform it. I love it.
However, in High School, I came across rock, bluegrass, country, folk, jazz, and the like. Music by Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Bela Fleck, Nickle Creek, and Allison Krauss- they opened my eyes to a refreshing new world. This whole world of music falls outside the realm of what classical musicians call high art. And, I can honestly say I love that kind of music.

And I realized, sure, maybe the worlds are different. But they both speak to people. They both serve human emotional needs. They're both worthy of being pursued, played, and enjoyed.

So why is it, that when I'm with my classical musicians and I play something reminiscent of bluegrass they curl their lip in disgust and make some snide remark about them only listening and/or playing "real" music.
Feeling like a an unwanted rebellious child I take my love for the alternative to where "it's appropriate" and play and listen to it to my heart's content. But, my heart isn't fully content with this either or business. I want to play both.

Then again, when I bring up a classical music in any of my my non-classical musician friends, I realize I've instantly alienated them. I can see their response, "Isn't that music 200 years old and only rich people listen to it? I don't listen to music that I can't hum the melody."

I feel like a mother with two very different children having to choose between them. I love them both. Why is it that I keep running into people who say and act like I can't love them both?

So, inevitably, not matter who I'm with, I feel the need to defend and justify music. Just saying that sounds wrong. Whatever music people don't play (or listen to), they feel the need to discredit the validity or value. If it's not intimidation, the problem's arrogance. If it isn't deprecation, the problem's idolization.

Maybe I'm getting too defensive. And also, maybe I just haven't figured out how to have the two worlds have a proper meet and greet, and, well, get along.

Consider it on my to do list.

Laborless Days

So, today is Labor Day, and in America that means we celebrate by NOT doing labor. In addition to thinking about all the yummy things to eat and fun people to hang out with, I'm thinking about Art and Soul Bible Study on Wednesday. Why am I thinking about my little Bible study on campus? Well, on Wednesday I get to lead it.

Commence incremental and progressive stress.

Not really. But sorta.

This has been on my heart to do for a while.
But, when it gets down to it, I don't think wanting to do it makes it any easier.

I was (and still am) that student in college who did everything in their power to get out of and avoid aural class presentations. I will write papers twice as long as anyone else in the class if that means I don't have to talk in front of the class. I have done 3 in my entire almost 7 year college career: Dostoevsky's Underground in Western Thought, Elementary Particles in Quantum Physics, and John Adams in 20th Century Music History. In grade school I did one presentation about Alligators and Crocodiles. But, that was in the 5th grade and in front of my mother. I still wound up crying and running to my room afterwards.

In the end, I see those decisions to get out of presenting as poor choices on my part. I realize this and acknowledge it freely. That was a dumb choice for my education. Let's find something I'm afraid of and not good at and run from it in an environment intended for learning. Instead I should have been taking the challenge to learn, improve, and adjust. Well, I'm starting that now. Or, I guess, on Wednesday.

But, talking about something I am passionate about should be easy. Or, so they say. I've been praying all week that God would help me figure out what I should talk about: the ocean, waves, gospel, Levites, art as sacrifice. All very vague and undeveloped. It's like I spent the weekend reading 2nd Chronicles at the beach. Oh, wait, maybe that's because I did.

I know what I need to do: point to Jesus, show where we are, where we need to be, follow up with Grace, and end with the freedom God gave us to live how He intended us to live.

So I'll be starting on that today. On my laborless day.
God is good. God is good all the time.

Filled with a Cloud

2 Chronicles 5: 12-14

And all the Levites who were singers—all of those of Asaph, Heman, and Jeduthun, with their sons and kinsmen, arrayed in fine linen, having cymbals, harps, and lyres—stood at the east end of the altar, and with them 120 priests blowing trumpets;

And when the trumpeters and singers were joined in unison, making one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and other instruments for song and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever, then the house of the Lord was filled with a cloud,

So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God.

First of all, why have I never noticed this before? The Levites worshiped with one voice praising God and the Lord came into their midst. He not only came into their midst, but filled the place with his presence rendering them unable to worship. All they could do was be encompassed in his presence. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I experience God like that during worship. But, I want to. Yes, I want to.

I don't know where God's taking me. But, there's a lot of questions about worship, ministry, service, sacrifice, and standards of artistic excellence on my heart right now. And, I keep going back to the Levites, the old testament music ministers.

I have a deep desire to be a Levite. A life of worship and leading others in worship. I don't know what that would look like in our modern day church. If there is such a thing, or if that's something God's going to have to regenerate and help me pursue. I honestly don't know. Don't know what he's gonna do, that is. All I can do is study and tend to what He's put on my heart for now.

Fighting with Fire

I hate fights.

As a second/middle child, many of my traits fall into the peace keeper corner. Combine that with my name, which means peace, and it all starts to make sense like it was made up in a corny fairy tale.
Being surrounded with "qualities of peace" does that mean that conflict never happens? Oh, on the contrary. It's just that whenever conflict does happen- it must be resolved. Immediately. Lasting conflict makes me ill.

On Wednesday our young adult church group did a game/exercise where we pretended we were at a conference in front of thousands of people. We would be called on the spot and given a random topic to speak on. We would then have to explain the gospel through whatever topic we were given. There were a lot of "interesting" topics: hair spray, bubble gum, even sky scrapers. It was impossible not to be doubled over in laughter for most of these. However, there were also a few that literally took my breath away at how God managed to use a random topic to show his plan for us. One of them was charcoal. The other was candles.

I won't attempt at recreating what was said. But, what spoke to me most was God sometimes has to throw us into the fire to make us straight. Fights make me feel like I'm being thrown in the fire. And probably most important, and most painful, when I'm thrown in the fire my sinful nature rages in protest. In the fire, I see what I'm holding onto, or what's keeping me from being more like Christ.

That's why I hate fights. Sure, I might in fact be a peace keeper. But, most importantly, I hate fights because I'm sinful. It's impossible to be in a fight and not be reminded that you are not as good as you pretend to be.

So, here's to being thrown in the fire and allowing God to burn anything that's not of Him.