Fighting with Fire

I hate fights.

As a second/middle child, many of my traits fall into the peace keeper corner. Combine that with my name, which means peace, and it all starts to make sense like it was made up in a corny fairy tale.
Being surrounded with "qualities of peace" does that mean that conflict never happens? Oh, on the contrary. It's just that whenever conflict does happen- it must be resolved. Immediately. Lasting conflict makes me ill.

On Wednesday our young adult church group did a game/exercise where we pretended we were at a conference in front of thousands of people. We would be called on the spot and given a random topic to speak on. We would then have to explain the gospel through whatever topic we were given. There were a lot of "interesting" topics: hair spray, bubble gum, even sky scrapers. It was impossible not to be doubled over in laughter for most of these. However, there were also a few that literally took my breath away at how God managed to use a random topic to show his plan for us. One of them was charcoal. The other was candles.

I won't attempt at recreating what was said. But, what spoke to me most was God sometimes has to throw us into the fire to make us straight. Fights make me feel like I'm being thrown in the fire. And probably most important, and most painful, when I'm thrown in the fire my sinful nature rages in protest. In the fire, I see what I'm holding onto, or what's keeping me from being more like Christ.

That's why I hate fights. Sure, I might in fact be a peace keeper. But, most importantly, I hate fights because I'm sinful. It's impossible to be in a fight and not be reminded that you are not as good as you pretend to be.

So, here's to being thrown in the fire and allowing God to burn anything that's not of Him.

Finish Rejoicing

Appreciation

That's what's on my mind from yesterday.
It's a simple thing really. Are you by nature a thankful person? Do you have the ability to see other peoples actions and see in them the sacrifice?

I have the pride that says, yes, I am able to see people's sacrifices (or lack thereof) and adequately judge them and their value. Hmmm, that's a pretty dangerous statement if I do say so myself.

Yesterday, I heard an amazing presentation of the gospel. In fact, I tried to give it myself in miniature form. But, I don't think it came out quite like I intended, so I'll try again here. 

So this idea of value is really a reflection of something bigger than ourselves: God. Do you value Christ? Because, say you don't, that means you value something else more, and it probably winds up being you. And who here can say in all honesty that they always value Christ in the way due Him. That's a trick question, btw. 

But, not to get ahead of myself. I realized yesterday I had reached the point of being angry at God and I didn't even know what about. I was praying, but I wasn't enjoying it. I was singing, but it felt empty. I read my Bible but nothing spoke to me. I didn't fully understand it at the time, but I knew I needed to start thanking God. Thanking God for my car, for my house, for my parents, for my rent, for taking care of me, for being good, for blessing me, for saving me. And, there it was. I didn't even know it, but I had lost my appreciation for the very thing Christ did for me. 

I tend to say things blow my mind a lot, but this really blew my mind. When I lose appreciation for what Christ has done, I lose sight of everything else. My perspective becomes skewed- if I'm not valuing the everyday things that affirm God's love for me, how can I value God's ultimate expression of love for me? Taking it the next step further, if I don't act and respond like God loves me, how can I believe God loves me? I have no confidence, no value in myself, no hope. Nothing makes me angrier than being hopeless. Anger had snuck into my life without me even realizing who, what, when, where, or why. 

Let's never forget "the Joy of the Lord is my strength". His strength over death and sin is now mine. In that I can and will rejoice.

"I started the work weeping, I finished it rejoicing."

Honesty

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, honestly...

But, speaking of honesty. I've realized lately, honesty is one of the hardest things to come by. And, I'm not just talking about one directional honesty from from one person to you, but a level of trust where you can be honest with someone else and they with you. Why is it, that I've been praying for someone to come into my life to really call me out on my weaknesses and it seems to be fulfilled by a non-Christian? That one stumps me. God you work in mysterious ways.

I've been asking God "what is keeping me from being ready for a relationship?". "Where do I need to grow the most?". When you ask those sort of questions, you usually have a vague idea of what it will be. But, it's not until you see your weaknesses from someone else's perspective that it really starts to make sense. Sense in how detrimental your behavior, your reactions even, are to your friendships and relationships.

I don't really know where I got it from, but I run. I run and hide. I imagine myself seeing shadows on the wall, and the appear taller, more terrible than what they are in real life. Emotional attachment (or just emotions in general) blown out of proportion. Life's demanding and seemingly insurmountable responsibilities. And, of course the only reasonable response to seeing something that scares you is to go where you feel safe and in control: Your own contrived little world that fits in neat little boxes.

I battle a grandiose perspective with a tendency to ignore what is really going on around me. How's that for honesty?

Today, as I know it, I finally believe that girls and guys cannot be just friends. Sure, I heard that angering gem of a statement my Freshman year of college. But upon hearing it, I was determined to prove the world and apparently my inherent nature wrong. However, I've come to agree with this statement over the past few years. But, it wasn't until today that I truly believed it. Believed it, because I finally acted on it. Before it was just a theory. Now it is something that influenced my behavior and my choices.

Back to that honesty thing. I'm still soaking in the painful criticism of how I present myself and treat others. This isn't something that comes along everyday, in fact it seldom comes along these days. And, as painful as criticism always is, I think I'm finally ready to the point where I want it.

Here's my immediate list of things I need to "fix". I'm afraid.
Fear- it's the biggest hindrance in my life as I know it. I base so many of my decisions or change what I really want to do out of fear.
Fear of being hurt. Turned down. Rejected. Ignored. Passed over.
I remember there was a guy who I admired, hoped for, and prayed for, but I didn't have the courage to say anything. Not a word.  Out of fear of not being worthy, enough, or what he would want. Because of fear, I froze and watched as he unknowingly "passed me by" for someone else. The point of remembering that is not to relive the fantasy of what if, but what if I didn't make my choices based on fear? I allow fear to confirm everything it tells me.
Fear of failure. Trying something and realizing my effort, talent, ability just wasn't enough. That maybe I should have stuck with the "safer path". This one is still an in-process daily battle.
Fear of hurting other people. That they won't be able to take my honesty. That their inevitable emotional breakdown is and will be my fault. There's a background of backhanded pride buried in that one.
There's responsibility in being honest. In reality, lying has fewer consequences than the truth. All because it doesn't mean anything. Lies are empty, meaningless words. This mostly stems from past hurt. And yet, it still dictates my present reactions to people.

This isn't something I'm going to be able to write a single blog post on and bam, I'll have it all figured out and fixed. In fact, what I probably need most right now is time to process, and process some more. All I hope is that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll pick up where I left off in the morning. Or something like that.

Reserved 29F

Why does it have to be this way?
I wish I could be forgotten
and mingle within the voices of the hall

The raindrops hit my forehead
they make more of an impact
than my tears

The older I stretch my eyes
they farther they see
the dimmer the clarity
of life before me

The grass has not lost its green
the reds have darkened all around
I am forever lost
and will not be found

The complexities of where I am today
seem to be lost within
where I was when I was
found in the wonders of yesterday

The more I give
the more I lose
what else is there
if not to see what there is left
behind those eyes

struggling with life's hidden lies
I the see the smoke and walk
no preemptive breaths
to prepare my lungs and eyes
for the coming burn

The window panes are clear
holding nothing back
but me from entering

I can barely keep back
my desire to break you
hoping something you have
will answer my questions

but I should know better
when I look through the window
and see my own reflection

(written 2009)

What's in a name?

I know I'm not in the least bit consistent with writing on here, but when the the inspiration comes, I go with it. I just finished reading a blog about names being prophetic. The line between the name making the person and the person making the name can be blurry. Either way I would agree that it seems to happen, and I think it's pretty cool.

I periodically think about the meaning of my name, but lately I've been thinking about it a lot. In fact, it's been a big part of my prayer life. Growing up, my parents were good to remind me why they named me what they did. When my mother was pregnant with me she came across:

Isaiah 55:12 "For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and the trees of the fields will clap their hands."

I was named after joy and peace.

All that said, I think it's pretty empowering knowing God had this name for me. I want to actively live my name, so that when people see me they see they see the attributes of God. It's a pretty tall order, but that's what I'm praying for.

So, I know what I was named after. But, my parents still had to choose a name to fit those attributes. So, what do the names my parents chose mean?

Rachel- Little Lamb, gentle innocence, poetically: beautiful, well-favored,

Lindsay- My mother told me growing up it meant, refreshing stream. The camp near the stream, from the Linden Tree Island. I had no idea what a linden tree was so I looked them up. Jimmy's blog had something on trees too. Apparently the language of flowers lists American Linden meaning matrimony. Interesting...

Fellows- is a name given to a friend and comrade. From the Old English word Feolaza, it means partner or shareholder. If this isn't good enough, my favorite part is the surname motto: Patience and Perseverance with Magnanimity.

I love how perseverance is the core of what my Scottish heritage motto is: Disce Pati which means learn to suffer. A better translation is learn to endure.

I don't know about you, but I love definitions. Fellows had some big words that are worth delving into and processing.
 
pa·tience 
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

per·se·ver·ance   
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2. Theology . continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

mag·nan·i·mous   
1. generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness: to be magnanimous toward one's enemies.
2. high-minded; noble: a just and magnanimous ruler.
3. proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.: a magnanimous gesture of forgiveness.

A Day Older

So I woke up yesterday, after the 3rd night in my new house, and honestly forgot about my birthday. It wasn't until a while later getting ready for Tennis with Joelle that I was like "Oh, yeah. I'm 25 today." Weird. Scary. Birthdays make me think thoughts of "shouldn't I have things figured out by now?" Of course it's all swallowed up by a conforming feeling that it's just another day.Of course another day closer to the undetermined but looming idea that by "this point" I'll have my dreams "truly figured out" and materialized.
I'll be a grown up-be mature as required by the amount of life experience lived. Because obviously the longer we live on this earth the less we should be able to break out of our self made idea boxes and do just whatever we feel like. Whether that's walk down the street like a loony and oh, I don't know, stop to smell the roses, look at them dissect them (and the bugs), draw them, imagine the world as a flower .

What confuses me most is figuring out my dreams seems to be the hardest part. At what point do I, as a responsible Christian, citizen, daughter, and sister take the dept and expectations I have and start returning them whatever way I can?
If I have a dream- say I do- What if it's completely different than what everyone else (intentional or not) has decided and anticipated on me following. This road, different than the road traveled, is breath taking. Like punching, wind knocking, look over a cliff breath taking. But I can't stop looking in that direction.

God, I'm a people pleaser.

It's really easier to do what man tells you to do. If it goes bad, it's not only not your fault but you have the permanent scape goat that if you had been following your own gut or "thought" about praying you could have done the impossible.

Following God is completely life threatening. There's no holding back, for if you do you lose it all. You follow  God or you don't. But, does following God always secure the successful ending? The ending where all's as it should be "happy with everything in its place"? Dream's trophies on the mantle, shining in the glory of a life well lived.
Sadly, no. Or, is it sad?

Here's a thought I heard from a musician speaker at church: There's nothing like living within reach of your dream. Failure is never an option when you're living what you want most. But the idea of that failure never goes away. And it so successfully keeps those who can't stand losing the game they want, to play half heartedly at the games they weren't made for, and don't love.

Theory, jazz improv, composition, all of these things I need to be doing. They make me think, make me learn to employ what I want to do when I want to do it.

In the last few months I've been thinking a lot about suffering. And, I guess that's the deal. Living a life I was made for and it not be appreciated, acknowledged, or whatever is the thing that brings us closest to the feelings of Christ at the cross.
Now, is that what God wants us to feel and experience? At this point I'm adamantly screaming, "That CAN'T be right! Surely that's not what He has planned for me."

But, the world is full of "failures". Is our view of success so warped by sin that we don't know it when we see it? Or is it that mysterious idea that losing at our game, the one we have planned out for ourselves, is really winning. What about "give your best to the Lord"? Of course He wants it. Duh. But to think our best is going to do anything. Anything! Well that seems wrong.

I got another Elizabeth Elliot book: "Let me be a woman" I'm interested and scared by what she has to say. I don't like what she says half the time (while I know that it's good). Then the other half I can barely swallow it, it seems so unnecessarily restricting. I don't know. Her books make me think.

I think about how Jim Elliot died. Did he fulfill his dream? His dream was to follow the Lord. But, within that dream (I think it's safe to say), he wanted people to come to Christ in the jungle. So dying at the very hands of the people he wanted to save- is that not completely failing? Anyone with any wisdom would realize, of course not. Those who got saved did so because he died. He made an impact for Christ because he failed. By failing he won. By Jim failing Christ won that day.

And that's the point where I really do question myself. Is my dream, first, to follow Christ? Am I ready to die for that? At this point I usually retort why couldn't Jim have run away? Would that be a sin? Would that be wrong? But, then knowing how it turned out with him dying, would him living have been as fruitful?

God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Only God is in charge of life and death.
I just don't understand when saving/trying to save our life is ever a good idea. Is it ever? Will it ever lead to as powerful a manifestation of God's glory? I don't have the answers. I'm only 25 and a couple of hours. God you know things, you see things, you do things that I have no concept of. Let me know what you know, let me see what you see, and let me do what you do. If I cannot, give me the strength, faith, and boldness to live that knowing you is enough. That knowing you and following you is enough.

My 25

So, it's my birthday and here's my obligatory birthday posting. I woke up this morning legitimately forgetting that it was my birthday. Wasn't until later that I realized, "oh yeah, I'm 25 years old today".

Most of my birthday posts revolve around the consistent topic of adulthood, responsibility, the future, and my general confusion as to why I keep expecting myself to know what I'm doing.
But, that's all been said before. It's all the same, changing slightly with each year of course, but generally the same. Instead I thought I would talk about what God gave me this morning.

If you could ask for a gift what would it be? Well, right now I can't think of one much better than an answer to prayer. I realize I'd been asking and praying for a lot of things lately. Look back at your journal sometime, you'll be shocked at all that goes through your mind and heart. I realized earlier this year that there are a few things I want to do and to be known for. Even if it's just between me and God. Some of them might seem unconnected, but here they are: embody the name God gave me- peace, be a prolific letter writer, be a woman of faith, be a woman of prayer, be bold for Christ, commune with God more, love and know my family better, and lead my school friends to the Lord.

God gave me some answers to prayer today that really were some of the best birthday gifts I could have asked for. This past week has been a stressful whirlwind in more ways than I can count. But, on top of it all, the blessings have been pouring out from every direction. It has been such a blessing to breath in the peace that God has had just waiting for me.

Monday night, Hannah's and my town house flooded. Every room, except mine, flooded to some degree. Nothing was permanently damaged except the flooring. Not even my computer which happened to be sitting in the middle of a puddle on the floor when I found it. None the less, being invaded by natural disaster is inconvenient, to say the least, as well as disruptive. Hannah and I were forced to move out after 2 days due to ripped up flooring, wretched smell, and headaches from the mildew. God was good to have a house ready and waiting for me and available to Hannah for her last week in town.

Thursday, I left town for an orchestra gig for the weekend. It was difficult staying in a hotel when I hadn't packed well due to the mess of "real" packing and not being able to find anything. Not to mention, my poor roommates being left with all of my boxes everywhere. There's only one thing I hate more than packing, and that's unpacking.

Today, my birthday, my Grandpa passes away. He was suffering from Alzheimer's, deafness, blindness, skin cancer, diabetes, and who knows what else. I rest in the fact that he is with the Lord today.

The answers to prayer really start back with Christmas. Over Christmas break I prayed and decided I was changing churches. How is that an answer to prayer? Well, I had been wanting to know my parents more and be able to to talk to them about important spiritual things. This provided a wonderful opportunity to do that. I had a lot of questions as far as why we stayed at the churches we did growing up, what my parents liked about certain churches, what they looked for, and even what they believed in. It was very a great way to get to know my parents more. And for that I am so thankful. I think and hope that it has opened doors for further future exploration and discussion.

I look over the past semester and am also reminded of God's assurance and provision in supplying the boldness I need in the situations he wants to use me in. From running and encouraging in the park, street reach downtown, personally praying with and for my neighbors, to talking and sharing my testimony with my  friends. It really is about following God in faith in the day to day. God is good. He's been answering my prayer without me even fully realizing it.

I have loved writing letters ever since I can remember. I still get so excited when I get a letter in the mail. But, for whatever reason, whether feeling like it's out of fashion, to feeling like I don't have the time, I haven't written a real letter since High School. This semester alone, I have written countless letters to friends encouraging them with prayer, verses, inspiring quotes, or whatever else I can find. And you know what I've realized? First of all, people love getting letters. In letters you can be as sentimental as a Hallmark card or as inspirational and encouraging as you wish you could be all the time. I write how I wish I could speak and say the things I wish I could say. God's been good about reminding me to stop wishing and to start doing. Even if it's as little as a writing a letter. As long as I start doing, he can use it.

Prayer. I can't wrap my head around it. And, I don't intend to anytime soon. After having some incredible encouraging words from the Lord through trusted friends, I realized God is waiting for me to ask. "Ask and you shall receive". God has things waiting for me, that He's eager to give to me when I ready enough to ask for it. I'll hit the most recent highlights. My roommate applied for a fellowship in NY that is not only an awesome opportunity for experience but centralizes her for prime career and employment advancement following the internship. She didn't get it. But, when I heard about that, I heard God say "Pray for that. I'm going to give that to her." Personally, I was a little confused. "But, God, if you're gonna give that to her, why do I need to pray for it?" Well, God said, in the way that He does to me sometimes, reminding me who's in charge "Just do it." Okay, God, you got it. Sure enough, in 2 weeks she gets an email saying she's been accepted! How awesome is that? I still can't get around God's goodness and how when God says something He follows through.

After all that spiritual goodness I feel like I can't not have a year's hopeful to-do list on my birthday post. So here some things that I want for the upcoming year: learn Spanish, write and learn to public speak better and more confidently (speaking in front of people scares me more than anything I can think of), memorize more of the Bible, and continue pursuing and developing non-traditional musical outlets.

So, yeah. This is what God has been and is doing in my life right now.