Meet and Greet

This morning was one of those mornings. Those mornings where I said I was going to go running with my friend at 7am. But, when my alarm went off, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I secretly wished that she would cancel.

But, she didn't, and in the end I'm glad. We both didn't run much, but we did do our allotted distance of 3 miles. And the conversation was good. As it always is.

The topic at hand was, as artists, we both want to make art that brings honor and glory to God. We have both come to terms with the fact that we love "high" art. But, we dislike the lifestyle that comes with it. And I use the term "high art" loosely. For my side of the conversation, high art is classical music. It's the art that I have gone to school to study and to further my education. But, we have both expressed our desire to serve and to have community with the lower to middle class populace who perhaps don't appreciate high art. You don't have to be super aware of culture to realize the rich and upper class are artists' biggest supporters and benefactors. So, as artists, we seem to be called to a profession where we are isolating ourselves from those who we want to serve. That's a dilemma.

I grew up listening and playing classical music. I study it, listen to it, and perform it. I love it.
However, in High School, I came across rock, bluegrass, country, folk, jazz, and the like. Music by Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Bela Fleck, Nickle Creek, and Allison Krauss- they opened my eyes to a refreshing new world. This whole world of music falls outside the realm of what classical musicians call high art. And, I can honestly say I love that kind of music.

And I realized, sure, maybe the worlds are different. But they both speak to people. They both serve human emotional needs. They're both worthy of being pursued, played, and enjoyed.

So why is it, that when I'm with my classical musicians and I play something reminiscent of bluegrass they curl their lip in disgust and make some snide remark about them only listening and/or playing "real" music.
Feeling like a an unwanted rebellious child I take my love for the alternative to where "it's appropriate" and play and listen to it to my heart's content. But, my heart isn't fully content with this either or business. I want to play both.

Then again, when I bring up a classical music in any of my my non-classical musician friends, I realize I've instantly alienated them. I can see their response, "Isn't that music 200 years old and only rich people listen to it? I don't listen to music that I can't hum the melody."

I feel like a mother with two very different children having to choose between them. I love them both. Why is it that I keep running into people who say and act like I can't love them both?

So, inevitably, not matter who I'm with, I feel the need to defend and justify music. Just saying that sounds wrong. Whatever music people don't play (or listen to), they feel the need to discredit the validity or value. If it's not intimidation, the problem's arrogance. If it isn't deprecation, the problem's idolization.

Maybe I'm getting too defensive. And also, maybe I just haven't figured out how to have the two worlds have a proper meet and greet, and, well, get along.

Consider it on my to do list.

Laborless Days

So, today is Labor Day, and in America that means we celebrate by NOT doing labor. In addition to thinking about all the yummy things to eat and fun people to hang out with, I'm thinking about Art and Soul Bible Study on Wednesday. Why am I thinking about my little Bible study on campus? Well, on Wednesday I get to lead it.

Commence incremental and progressive stress.

Not really. But sorta.

This has been on my heart to do for a while.
But, when it gets down to it, I don't think wanting to do it makes it any easier.

I was (and still am) that student in college who did everything in their power to get out of and avoid aural class presentations. I will write papers twice as long as anyone else in the class if that means I don't have to talk in front of the class. I have done 3 in my entire almost 7 year college career: Dostoevsky's Underground in Western Thought, Elementary Particles in Quantum Physics, and John Adams in 20th Century Music History. In grade school I did one presentation about Alligators and Crocodiles. But, that was in the 5th grade and in front of my mother. I still wound up crying and running to my room afterwards.

In the end, I see those decisions to get out of presenting as poor choices on my part. I realize this and acknowledge it freely. That was a dumb choice for my education. Let's find something I'm afraid of and not good at and run from it in an environment intended for learning. Instead I should have been taking the challenge to learn, improve, and adjust. Well, I'm starting that now. Or, I guess, on Wednesday.

But, talking about something I am passionate about should be easy. Or, so they say. I've been praying all week that God would help me figure out what I should talk about: the ocean, waves, gospel, Levites, art as sacrifice. All very vague and undeveloped. It's like I spent the weekend reading 2nd Chronicles at the beach. Oh, wait, maybe that's because I did.

I know what I need to do: point to Jesus, show where we are, where we need to be, follow up with Grace, and end with the freedom God gave us to live how He intended us to live.

So I'll be starting on that today. On my laborless day.
God is good. God is good all the time.

Filled with a Cloud

2 Chronicles 5: 12-14

And all the Levites who were singers—all of those of Asaph, Heman, and Jeduthun, with their sons and kinsmen, arrayed in fine linen, having cymbals, harps, and lyres—stood at the east end of the altar, and with them 120 priests blowing trumpets;

And when the trumpeters and singers were joined in unison, making one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and other instruments for song and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever, then the house of the Lord was filled with a cloud,

So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God.

First of all, why have I never noticed this before? The Levites worshiped with one voice praising God and the Lord came into their midst. He not only came into their midst, but filled the place with his presence rendering them unable to worship. All they could do was be encompassed in his presence. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I experience God like that during worship. But, I want to. Yes, I want to.

I don't know where God's taking me. But, there's a lot of questions about worship, ministry, service, sacrifice, and standards of artistic excellence on my heart right now. And, I keep going back to the Levites, the old testament music ministers.

I have a deep desire to be a Levite. A life of worship and leading others in worship. I don't know what that would look like in our modern day church. If there is such a thing, or if that's something God's going to have to regenerate and help me pursue. I honestly don't know. Don't know what he's gonna do, that is. All I can do is study and tend to what He's put on my heart for now.

Fighting with Fire

I hate fights.

As a second/middle child, many of my traits fall into the peace keeper corner. Combine that with my name, which means peace, and it all starts to make sense like it was made up in a corny fairy tale.
Being surrounded with "qualities of peace" does that mean that conflict never happens? Oh, on the contrary. It's just that whenever conflict does happen- it must be resolved. Immediately. Lasting conflict makes me ill.

On Wednesday our young adult church group did a game/exercise where we pretended we were at a conference in front of thousands of people. We would be called on the spot and given a random topic to speak on. We would then have to explain the gospel through whatever topic we were given. There were a lot of "interesting" topics: hair spray, bubble gum, even sky scrapers. It was impossible not to be doubled over in laughter for most of these. However, there were also a few that literally took my breath away at how God managed to use a random topic to show his plan for us. One of them was charcoal. The other was candles.

I won't attempt at recreating what was said. But, what spoke to me most was God sometimes has to throw us into the fire to make us straight. Fights make me feel like I'm being thrown in the fire. And probably most important, and most painful, when I'm thrown in the fire my sinful nature rages in protest. In the fire, I see what I'm holding onto, or what's keeping me from being more like Christ.

That's why I hate fights. Sure, I might in fact be a peace keeper. But, most importantly, I hate fights because I'm sinful. It's impossible to be in a fight and not be reminded that you are not as good as you pretend to be.

So, here's to being thrown in the fire and allowing God to burn anything that's not of Him.

Finish Rejoicing

Appreciation

That's what's on my mind from yesterday.
It's a simple thing really. Are you by nature a thankful person? Do you have the ability to see other peoples actions and see in them the sacrifice?

I have the pride that says, yes, I am able to see people's sacrifices (or lack thereof) and adequately judge them and their value. Hmmm, that's a pretty dangerous statement if I do say so myself.

Yesterday, I heard an amazing presentation of the gospel. In fact, I tried to give it myself in miniature form. But, I don't think it came out quite like I intended, so I'll try again here. 

So this idea of value is really a reflection of something bigger than ourselves: God. Do you value Christ? Because, say you don't, that means you value something else more, and it probably winds up being you. And who here can say in all honesty that they always value Christ in the way due Him. That's a trick question, btw. 

But, not to get ahead of myself. I realized yesterday I had reached the point of being angry at God and I didn't even know what about. I was praying, but I wasn't enjoying it. I was singing, but it felt empty. I read my Bible but nothing spoke to me. I didn't fully understand it at the time, but I knew I needed to start thanking God. Thanking God for my car, for my house, for my parents, for my rent, for taking care of me, for being good, for blessing me, for saving me. And, there it was. I didn't even know it, but I had lost my appreciation for the very thing Christ did for me. 

I tend to say things blow my mind a lot, but this really blew my mind. When I lose appreciation for what Christ has done, I lose sight of everything else. My perspective becomes skewed- if I'm not valuing the everyday things that affirm God's love for me, how can I value God's ultimate expression of love for me? Taking it the next step further, if I don't act and respond like God loves me, how can I believe God loves me? I have no confidence, no value in myself, no hope. Nothing makes me angrier than being hopeless. Anger had snuck into my life without me even realizing who, what, when, where, or why. 

Let's never forget "the Joy of the Lord is my strength". His strength over death and sin is now mine. In that I can and will rejoice.

"I started the work weeping, I finished it rejoicing."

Honesty

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, honestly...

But, speaking of honesty. I've realized lately, honesty is one of the hardest things to come by. And, I'm not just talking about one directional honesty from from one person to you, but a level of trust where you can be honest with someone else and they with you. Why is it, that I've been praying for someone to come into my life to really call me out on my weaknesses and it seems to be fulfilled by a non-Christian? That one stumps me. God you work in mysterious ways.

I've been asking God "what is keeping me from being ready for a relationship?". "Where do I need to grow the most?". When you ask those sort of questions, you usually have a vague idea of what it will be. But, it's not until you see your weaknesses from someone else's perspective that it really starts to make sense. Sense in how detrimental your behavior, your reactions even, are to your friendships and relationships.

I don't really know where I got it from, but I run. I run and hide. I imagine myself seeing shadows on the wall, and the appear taller, more terrible than what they are in real life. Emotional attachment (or just emotions in general) blown out of proportion. Life's demanding and seemingly insurmountable responsibilities. And, of course the only reasonable response to seeing something that scares you is to go where you feel safe and in control: Your own contrived little world that fits in neat little boxes.

I battle a grandiose perspective with a tendency to ignore what is really going on around me. How's that for honesty?

Today, as I know it, I finally believe that girls and guys cannot be just friends. Sure, I heard that angering gem of a statement my Freshman year of college. But upon hearing it, I was determined to prove the world and apparently my inherent nature wrong. However, I've come to agree with this statement over the past few years. But, it wasn't until today that I truly believed it. Believed it, because I finally acted on it. Before it was just a theory. Now it is something that influenced my behavior and my choices.

Back to that honesty thing. I'm still soaking in the painful criticism of how I present myself and treat others. This isn't something that comes along everyday, in fact it seldom comes along these days. And, as painful as criticism always is, I think I'm finally ready to the point where I want it.

Here's my immediate list of things I need to "fix". I'm afraid.
Fear- it's the biggest hindrance in my life as I know it. I base so many of my decisions or change what I really want to do out of fear.
Fear of being hurt. Turned down. Rejected. Ignored. Passed over.
I remember there was a guy who I admired, hoped for, and prayed for, but I didn't have the courage to say anything. Not a word.  Out of fear of not being worthy, enough, or what he would want. Because of fear, I froze and watched as he unknowingly "passed me by" for someone else. The point of remembering that is not to relive the fantasy of what if, but what if I didn't make my choices based on fear? I allow fear to confirm everything it tells me.
Fear of failure. Trying something and realizing my effort, talent, ability just wasn't enough. That maybe I should have stuck with the "safer path". This one is still an in-process daily battle.
Fear of hurting other people. That they won't be able to take my honesty. That their inevitable emotional breakdown is and will be my fault. There's a background of backhanded pride buried in that one.
There's responsibility in being honest. In reality, lying has fewer consequences than the truth. All because it doesn't mean anything. Lies are empty, meaningless words. This mostly stems from past hurt. And yet, it still dictates my present reactions to people.

This isn't something I'm going to be able to write a single blog post on and bam, I'll have it all figured out and fixed. In fact, what I probably need most right now is time to process, and process some more. All I hope is that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll pick up where I left off in the morning. Or something like that.

Reserved 29F

Why does it have to be this way?
I wish I could be forgotten
and mingle within the voices of the hall

The raindrops hit my forehead
they make more of an impact
than my tears

The older I stretch my eyes
they farther they see
the dimmer the clarity
of life before me

The grass has not lost its green
the reds have darkened all around
I am forever lost
and will not be found

The complexities of where I am today
seem to be lost within
where I was when I was
found in the wonders of yesterday

The more I give
the more I lose
what else is there
if not to see what there is left
behind those eyes

struggling with life's hidden lies
I the see the smoke and walk
no preemptive breaths
to prepare my lungs and eyes
for the coming burn

The window panes are clear
holding nothing back
but me from entering

I can barely keep back
my desire to break you
hoping something you have
will answer my questions

but I should know better
when I look through the window
and see my own reflection

(written 2009)