Readjust Your Focus

"Some days to keep you going, you have to ask yourself "Do I really want this?" If it's no, sometimes you have to look further down the road and ask, "But, do I want that?" 


At this very moment, I don't want to do my taxes. 
But, instead I choose to look forward to my refund check.

I don't want to study, practice, or do anything that even remotely sounds stressful. 
Instead I'm looking towards graduation and a summer break in 6 weeks.

There were numerous times I didn't want to practice this year when I had auditions coming up. But, I asked myself "Do I really want that position/job/fellowship?" With some of them I realized, no, I don't actually want that. Figuring that out was helpful so I didn't waste my time on projects I didn't really care about. But, there were other things that I realized, yes, I do in fact want them. 

I realize that I am a short sighted, whiny, hopeful to the point of entitled, person who wants what they want when they want it. I'm a "victim" of the times, my generation, being an American, and just being a sinner. At the first sign of struggle, difficulty makes me want to raise my hands in the air and go "can't do it". 

That's why I have to constantly readjust my focus. I have to look beyond what is going on right now, write/vent my whininess out in my journals and move on, and even ask myself why I really want something. 

Don't Forget

I just got a letter in the mail today. It was from me. 9 months ago, my Suzuki teacher trainer had us write a plan with goals for the next year. He also had us write a letter to ourselves encouraging us about things that we were learning at the institute, that we might need to be reminded of later. Our teacher held on to the letters to send them to us later.

I didn't think I could be so encouraged by reading an old "to do" list. Most of the time, I don't feel like I ever accomplish what I set out to do, and writing it down just makes me feel worse about myself.
This time, it wasn't that way. Most of the things on the list I've actually done, or am in the middle of doing. Regarding the things I haven't done I'm either: okay with not actually doing because plans changed or they're very much in reach of being accomplished.

The point of this is not to look at a piece of paper and go, "Oh, well I have (or haven't) made good use of my time based on whether I set out to do what I said I would do." But, it is a reminder of the fact that we can live our lives with purpose and creativity. If we start living with purpose, just maybe we can start changing ourselves (and maybe other people's lives too) for the better. And if we live creatively, maybe we will have more reason and inspiration to keep doing what we love to do.

~Music Goals
-Be ready to graduate in May (check!!)
-Have post-graduate option plans submitted/auditioned
    Lincoln Center Fellowship (no...)
    New World, Symphony in C, Civic (New World Sub Audition in April!)
    Contact Teacher to Suzuki Shadow (no time or readily available local resources)
    Orchestra Auditions (Memphis, yes; Charlotte and Raleigh, Audition in May/June)

~Teaching Goals
-Stay Creative and Flexible (daily choice)
-Find another institute for violin teacher training bk. 2 (not yet, waiting to hear back from other things first; possible choice Stevens Point)
-Expand/Maintain teaching to 5 students (Total of 9: 1 UNCSA, 6 Separk, 2 Private)

~Personal Development (Read)
-Nurtured by Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)
-I Prefer to Learn with Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)

~Personal Health
-Make time for moments of joy in music regularly (yes: church worship, band, improv)
-Play for at least one retirement home, hospital, or day care (not yet, but plan to before my recital)
-Keep Dancing (yes, it's so good for my soul!)

Here's my letter:

Hey Rachel,

So, you've not only enjoyed this week at Eastern Carolina University Suzuki Institute, you've needed it.
[There's] Musical and spiritual healing going on right here. Don't let the craziness of school make you forget- you're a Suzuki kid. 

And, by that I mean, you don't have to keep letting criticism and negativity determine your choices musically, vocationally, or what you do with your time. 

Remember, the world can and does run on love (Christ made it that way). And it's okay for music to be about love, too.

Your future is important. But, not as important as making sure you love what you do, who you are, and who you are with. The power to change things when you start living will surprise you. Keep following God, and you'll be following love. He made it that way on purpose.

P.S. If I could be at Suzuki Institutes like this all the time, I think I'd be just fine with that. Tickled pink, in fact. 

House of Cards

So, I''m juggling this intimidating schedule with multiple things going demanding my time and energy. I just had Spring Break, if you can call it that. Basically it was a weekend out of town, otherwise I worked, taught, and rehearsed like usual. I was able to get a few things done that I have just been unable to do while school was marching on. Well, it's Monday and the last few weeks before graduating are definitely holding nothing back. I wish I could say that I'm excited. I'm reaching a point where if I do make it across this freakish finish line, celebrating isn't even in the picture anymore. I have a vivid expectation that I will I collapse with the only energy to keep breathing. A medically induced coma sounds kind of appealing, not gonna lie.

I've been doing pretty well this semester. And by well, I mean dealing with all of my crazy things to do. Performing with Greensboro Symphony, subbing with Winston-Salem Symphony, teaching violin lessons, assistant teaching at school, being librarian (and human stapler) to the orchestra, Concertmaster of school orchestra, Bible study co-leader, church band member, and oh yeah I forgot, student. Friend got left off that list this time, cause I'm pretty sure I've been a lousy one this term. And I guess we can throw in the fact that I'm desperately trying to prepare for "life after graduation". Whatever that does and can mean, I feel like I'm grasping at trying to accomplish.

Well, the house of cards had a good shake down today. I found out I have a book report/class presentation due tomorrow morning at 10 am. I don't even know what book the book report is on to begin with. I don't think there's any amount of bullshitting you can do to cover that one up. I just asked the teacher for an extension. In all fairness, the syllabus has conflicting and contradictory assignments posted. It's just unfortunate that I looked at the one that says mine isn't due until next month.

Teach Me Love

Whenever I get the inspiration to write, I always hope that it will turn out as good as it sounds inside my head. I'm not there yet, but I try.

This afternoon I was talking with a girl who's a few years younger than me. She was asking for some advice in a situation. The girl finds herself being "confessed to" by her piers about all the bad things they've done over the weekend. The girl, as sweet and well behaved as you could imagine, can't relate to those things. A part of her doesn't want to out of a fear of condoning said behavior. But, she realizes that if she goes "Oh, I'm sorry" that doesn't quite deal with the real issue.

These people are sinners. And, so are we. People know we're Christians. But, what they don't know is if we're sinners too. We try to act so perfect, people sometimes wonder if we think we are too. But the reality of it is that we need Jesus just as much as they do.

These people come, with obvious brokeness, not for the confirmation that what they're doing is wrong, but that they're still eligible for God's grace and love. Next time you're confronted with someone who says "Man, this weekend I did ____" Maybe that's an opportunity. An opportunity to reciprocate that vulnerability with a "you know what, I struggle with ___..." or "I have done ___ and God was good to forgive me and give me grace. The same way God loves me, He loves you too."

That evening I was reminded that when we're vulnerable with God about who we are, He shows us who He is. And, by doing that shows us who we because of who he is.

When people tell us who they are, they want to know who God is. Not who we wish or want them to be.

Finely Out of Focus

I see the sun
on the far horizon
I greet the ground
beneath my feet
I carry my memories
they taste hard and sweet

I don't know where
my road will take me
all I carry is what I've learned
life's prizes don't come free

glimpses of his love
that spurs me on
I seize the moment
before it's gone

life's travels can be a mystery
but what is clear is what's before me
the future finely out of focus
only time will tell what it will be

Convictional Change

Personal Challenge Moment

On my mind and on my heart earlier this week: Who to vote for?
I prayed about it, and then today I voted.

But, that's not enough. There's so much hate about everything political, that it's impossible to take a stance on anything without being attacked. It makes me hate ever talking about politics to the point where I've made my political viewpoint more and more private.

But, here's what I decided.
Whether I agree with people politically or not, debating about who will do the best job, or how that job should be done, I know that what we care about is the same. And, that's what I want to talk about. I believe we care about people. We want people to be valued. We want to know that we are valued.

You see someone who has no food and is hungry and thirsty.
You see someone who is sick and is in need of help.
You see someone defenseless with no way of protecting themselves.
You see someone who is different, and people out of fear separate them from everyone else.
You see someone making a choice for themselves at the physical hurt of others.

And we respond with pity, we turn away, we judge, we scorn, we excuse.
And most often we are actively vocal about our concern for people not stepping in to help.

How often do I see something wrong, and instead of stepping up, I point out the obvious fact that people or a situation needs help

This should be convicting.

And when I say convicting, what I really mean is that it should become a challenge in your life with tangible results from you.

So, this year (regardless of who takes office, or who is in political power) let's take the power and freedom that we have as US citizens and be that change. Start small and we can make big changes: the friends we love, in the neighborhood we live, in the community we are a part, and in the city we live. That's how real change happens. Permanent change in one person's life can permanently change other's for good.

Don't wait for someone else to do the things you are feeling convicted about.

What does this look like for me? I'm so glad you asked.

Well, really what do I have that I can share, give, and help with?
Compared to some, I don't have much money. To others, I'm doing just fine. I tend to think I don't have much, but do have some. It is hard earned, and will consequently mean that much more when I give it away.
Time, like money, is equally valuable to myself and to others. What I do with it shows what I value most. Am I spending it all on myself, or am I sharing it with people who could benefit from someone just taking the time for them.
Labor is the doing part. Are you willing to make an effort for someone? Get your hands dirty? Make it what you will, but where we cannot give in one area we can certainly give in another.

So this year, I'm stopping with the excuses for myself or for others. I'm taking my convictions and making them an opportunity for change in my life, and hopefully, if you know me it will effect change for you too.

Giving Way

This practice room
really confines you
restricts you with what you are
and what you're holding onto
it's a place where mistakes
are brought to surface
and not just in the music
but your inner demons
that are keeping you from the music
the thoughts that say
you're not good enough
there's no redemption
it's all too late.
Waste of the talent you've been given
a wayward son beyond the reach of home.

And you were the only thing standing in the way.

Because in the practice room
it's just you and the music
You never know what will give way.
you hope to God, it's you