Getting Over Myself

So, I've been in Memphis over a month now, and I feel like I'm starting to find a groove. My housemates and I hosted our first party this weekend in order to better know the other grad students. We had a good turn out and we had a great time.

Since coming here, I've felt confident. Sure of myself. Ready. I know it had a lot to do with the fact that I decided who I wanted to be when I moved here. New start and all that. I can wish to be something else all I want, but it's when I start acting like what I want to be that it starts becoming a reality.

This summer I learned more than I can probably ever spit out. Though I'll try. I love talking about what I learned, and most days I realize something more how my time in Europe changed me.

One was an acceptance of a calling God's placed in my life. I had this perspective that the fruition of my calling would just one day happen. But, I found out that's wrong. What I'm called to/going to do I need to start acting like I'm going to do it, now. Start living that identity today. Not when the time comes and I'm "ready".

Second, this summer was one huge lesson in getting over myself. I think I mentioned this in my summer blog about constantly looking like an idiot and having to come to terms with that. You don't know the language, everyone knows you're an American, you're lost 90% of the time and have to ask for directions, etc. You walk down the street and there is no feasible way to hide the fact that you have no idea what you're doing. And EVERYONE knows it. No, seriously.

The funny thing is, why do we ever think that we CAN hide it? I mean really. This summer has been excellent training for this recent move. Looking like an idiot forces you to come to terms with your inability to always know everything.

And lets have a honest moment and say that people don't like not knowing. Can I get an amen? Don't leave me hanging. I don't like not knowing and I know I'm not the only one.
"Why?" was and is my favorite question. But basing your comfort, satisfaction, success, purpose, or whatever, on whether you have that answer is a recipe for staying only in situations where you can predict or control the outcome. That sounds like a boring life to me.

I'm used to knowing things when it comes to music. At least a fairly decent amount.
I'm taking this class where I'm constantly being reminded that I don't know shit. While on many levels, I love this class, it is far from comfortable. Realizing "I don't know shit" and having everyone else know too is something that's hard to sit still for.

This last class, my biggest issue I realized is learning to get over myself. It's being in Austria all over again. It's just a little less glamorous, there's no wienerschnitzle afterwards, and I'm surrounded by poor lighting and boring architecture.

I have to ask questions to learn.
Even if they sound stupid.
I have to try.
Even if I make mistakes.
And I have to be okay with not knowing everything.

Who knew that being good at something could wind up being an inhibition.
I can't chicken out just because I'm afraid I'll fall flat on my face.

Closet Case Introvert

This might sound weird, but I had an epiphany understanding how I process things. There's been a recent craze about introvert-ism , and how they're cool people too. You've probably seen posts about that plastered all over your facebook wall like mine. I eventually started reading some of them.

It's weird that growing up, for some reason, I thought I was an extrovert. I'm not entirely sure when that got started. I'm sure along the way somewhere I started idealizing extroverts and wanted to be just like them. I probably also compared myself to my parents (who are probably more introverted than I am) and decided, compared to them, I must be extroverted. But it's only been within the past few months that I've only begun to ask, hmmm, could I be an introvert?

///Reality Shift///

I just listened to this TED talk called: The Power of Introverts. The speaker said, in a group of people, we "instinctively mimic ideas and opinions, regardless of their quality. We innately follow the most charismatic or dominant person in the room. Regardless of the fact that just because your the best talker doesn't mean you have the best ideas. It's much better to for everyone to go off by themselves and generate their own ideas free from distortion of group dynamics. And then have everyone come together in a well managed environment."

That last part was a truth bomb for me. I instinctively know that I need time away from people or I have no idea what I really want anymore. But, I'm not sure if I admit that to myself. I need time to generate my own ideas (even opinions, and tastes) or I consistently mimic my identity away.

Good golly.

Know yourself. It would seem like that shouldn't be that hard. But, I don't really know what makes me thrive quite like I used to think. What environment makes me ready for the world around me?

Introvertism. You might not be so scary after all.

Readjust Your Focus

"Some days to keep you going, you have to ask yourself "Do I really want this?" If it's no, sometimes you have to look further down the road and ask, "But, do I want that?" 


At this very moment, I don't want to do my taxes. 
But, instead I choose to look forward to my refund check.

I don't want to study, practice, or do anything that even remotely sounds stressful. 
Instead I'm looking towards graduation and a summer break in 6 weeks.

There were numerous times I didn't want to practice this year when I had auditions coming up. But, I asked myself "Do I really want that position/job/fellowship?" With some of them I realized, no, I don't actually want that. Figuring that out was helpful so I didn't waste my time on projects I didn't really care about. But, there were other things that I realized, yes, I do in fact want them. 

I realize that I am a short sighted, whiny, hopeful to the point of entitled, person who wants what they want when they want it. I'm a "victim" of the times, my generation, being an American, and just being a sinner. At the first sign of struggle, difficulty makes me want to raise my hands in the air and go "can't do it". 

That's why I have to constantly readjust my focus. I have to look beyond what is going on right now, write/vent my whininess out in my journals and move on, and even ask myself why I really want something. 

Don't Forget

I just got a letter in the mail today. It was from me. 9 months ago, my Suzuki teacher trainer had us write a plan with goals for the next year. He also had us write a letter to ourselves encouraging us about things that we were learning at the institute, that we might need to be reminded of later. Our teacher held on to the letters to send them to us later.

I didn't think I could be so encouraged by reading an old "to do" list. Most of the time, I don't feel like I ever accomplish what I set out to do, and writing it down just makes me feel worse about myself.
This time, it wasn't that way. Most of the things on the list I've actually done, or am in the middle of doing. Regarding the things I haven't done I'm either: okay with not actually doing because plans changed or they're very much in reach of being accomplished.

The point of this is not to look at a piece of paper and go, "Oh, well I have (or haven't) made good use of my time based on whether I set out to do what I said I would do." But, it is a reminder of the fact that we can live our lives with purpose and creativity. If we start living with purpose, just maybe we can start changing ourselves (and maybe other people's lives too) for the better. And if we live creatively, maybe we will have more reason and inspiration to keep doing what we love to do.

~Music Goals
-Be ready to graduate in May (check!!)
-Have post-graduate option plans submitted/auditioned
    Lincoln Center Fellowship (no...)
    New World, Symphony in C, Civic (New World Sub Audition in April!)
    Contact Teacher to Suzuki Shadow (no time or readily available local resources)
    Orchestra Auditions (Memphis, yes; Charlotte and Raleigh, Audition in May/June)

~Teaching Goals
-Stay Creative and Flexible (daily choice)
-Find another institute for violin teacher training bk. 2 (not yet, waiting to hear back from other things first; possible choice Stevens Point)
-Expand/Maintain teaching to 5 students (Total of 9: 1 UNCSA, 6 Separk, 2 Private)

~Personal Development (Read)
-Nurtured by Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)
-I Prefer to Learn with Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)

~Personal Health
-Make time for moments of joy in music regularly (yes: church worship, band, improv)
-Play for at least one retirement home, hospital, or day care (not yet, but plan to before my recital)
-Keep Dancing (yes, it's so good for my soul!)

Here's my letter:

Hey Rachel,

So, you've not only enjoyed this week at Eastern Carolina University Suzuki Institute, you've needed it.
[There's] Musical and spiritual healing going on right here. Don't let the craziness of school make you forget- you're a Suzuki kid. 

And, by that I mean, you don't have to keep letting criticism and negativity determine your choices musically, vocationally, or what you do with your time. 

Remember, the world can and does run on love (Christ made it that way). And it's okay for music to be about love, too.

Your future is important. But, not as important as making sure you love what you do, who you are, and who you are with. The power to change things when you start living will surprise you. Keep following God, and you'll be following love. He made it that way on purpose.

P.S. If I could be at Suzuki Institutes like this all the time, I think I'd be just fine with that. Tickled pink, in fact. 

House of Cards

So, I''m juggling this intimidating schedule with multiple things going demanding my time and energy. I just had Spring Break, if you can call it that. Basically it was a weekend out of town, otherwise I worked, taught, and rehearsed like usual. I was able to get a few things done that I have just been unable to do while school was marching on. Well, it's Monday and the last few weeks before graduating are definitely holding nothing back. I wish I could say that I'm excited. I'm reaching a point where if I do make it across this freakish finish line, celebrating isn't even in the picture anymore. I have a vivid expectation that I will I collapse with the only energy to keep breathing. A medically induced coma sounds kind of appealing, not gonna lie.

I've been doing pretty well this semester. And by well, I mean dealing with all of my crazy things to do. Performing with Greensboro Symphony, subbing with Winston-Salem Symphony, teaching violin lessons, assistant teaching at school, being librarian (and human stapler) to the orchestra, Concertmaster of school orchestra, Bible study co-leader, church band member, and oh yeah I forgot, student. Friend got left off that list this time, cause I'm pretty sure I've been a lousy one this term. And I guess we can throw in the fact that I'm desperately trying to prepare for "life after graduation". Whatever that does and can mean, I feel like I'm grasping at trying to accomplish.

Well, the house of cards had a good shake down today. I found out I have a book report/class presentation due tomorrow morning at 10 am. I don't even know what book the book report is on to begin with. I don't think there's any amount of bullshitting you can do to cover that one up. I just asked the teacher for an extension. In all fairness, the syllabus has conflicting and contradictory assignments posted. It's just unfortunate that I looked at the one that says mine isn't due until next month.

Teach Me Love

Whenever I get the inspiration to write, I always hope that it will turn out as good as it sounds inside my head. I'm not there yet, but I try.

This afternoon I was talking with a girl who's a few years younger than me. She was asking for some advice in a situation. The girl finds herself being "confessed to" by her piers about all the bad things they've done over the weekend. The girl, as sweet and well behaved as you could imagine, can't relate to those things. A part of her doesn't want to out of a fear of condoning said behavior. But, she realizes that if she goes "Oh, I'm sorry" that doesn't quite deal with the real issue.

These people are sinners. And, so are we. People know we're Christians. But, what they don't know is if we're sinners too. We try to act so perfect, people sometimes wonder if we think we are too. But the reality of it is that we need Jesus just as much as they do.

These people come, with obvious brokeness, not for the confirmation that what they're doing is wrong, but that they're still eligible for God's grace and love. Next time you're confronted with someone who says "Man, this weekend I did ____" Maybe that's an opportunity. An opportunity to reciprocate that vulnerability with a "you know what, I struggle with ___..." or "I have done ___ and God was good to forgive me and give me grace. The same way God loves me, He loves you too."

That evening I was reminded that when we're vulnerable with God about who we are, He shows us who He is. And, by doing that shows us who we because of who he is.

When people tell us who they are, they want to know who God is. Not who we wish or want them to be.

Finely Out of Focus

I see the sun
on the far horizon
I greet the ground
beneath my feet
I carry my memories
they taste hard and sweet

I don't know where
my road will take me
all I carry is what I've learned
life's prizes don't come free

glimpses of his love
that spurs me on
I seize the moment
before it's gone

life's travels can be a mystery
but what is clear is what's before me
the future finely out of focus
only time will tell what it will be