Dragons and a King's Love

So this post is a little different today. I had a fantastic dream last night. In fact I haven’t had this great of a dream in a long time. It was so cool I had to write it down before I forgot it.
It seemed like a cool enough story to share so here it is….
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It felt real. I was in a fantastical world that was back in the ages of knights, castles, and dragons. The colors were vibrant, colorful, and the smells were fresh on the wind. Honor was revered, and strength was acknowledged for being greater when restrained.

A terrible reign by a fearful and greedy king had finally been overturned. And in his place ruled a strong, just, and peaceful king. He was a good man and respected by every one. A man of the people, he would interact with his subjects’ daily. When he wasn’t working along side them in the fields, he was riding in his royal carriage, led by gallant steeds, overseeing his kingdom. The land suffered no want and each man was content and satisfied.

Suddenly there were dragons everywhere. They were menacing and unruly. Of the dragons, the biggest   dragon went straight for the castle. I knew the king along with the kingdom was in trouble. Suddenly, I’m face to face with a dragon. The dragon snaps his jaws at me. I thrust my arms out trying to grab hold of his jaws and keep him arms length away. But, I know my own strength will not last holding him away from me. Someone else, a friend, is on top of the dragon and tells me to jump on its head. I sum up the courage and do it. I jump and, at the same time, the dragon lunges forward. With a twisted flip I land safely on his head. My hands still on the dragon’s head, I realize that his head goes in whichever direction I steer it. Suddenly I realize, this isn’t a bad dragon after all. I pat his neck beneath where I’m sitting and the dragon responds with an affectionate purr.

The giant dragon meanwhile is quickly climbing the towers of the castle and laying waste to everything around him. I know there is only one shot to taking this monstrosity down. I have a weapon, a missile of some sort. It’s similar to an arrow but with the directional and explosive power of a guided torpedo. 

With the assistance of my new dragon comrade, I aim and fire. A successful hit! The giant dragon lets go his hold on the towers and begins his descent to the earth. As he’s falling from the sky I see the King’s carriage running out of the gates just seconds before the dragon crashes into the courtyard. But, he’s not completely safe yet. Suddenly smaller dragons surround the carriage.

I hurry over and, with my own dragon's help, scare them off and defeat them. I find out from them that they’ve been sent as an attack from the overthrown enemy king.

The fight has almost subsided by this point. Others are courageously taking up the fight and regaining control of the kingdom.

But, things are not over. Night falls and an eerie moonlight covers the land. I have a bad feeling that we need to take cover for safety. There seem to be enemies lurking about in the darkness. My new dragon comrade and I find a tall tree to roost in for the night. A giant wise owl is already there sitting, watching. We wait the night and eat a small ration of food for our dinner. The tree is so heavy with our weight that it sways back and forth with the wind. Then, a giant flood comes rushing across the land. Thankfully, we’re high enough to be safe. Eventually, the flood waters slowly recede. The giant owl eventually flies away and I know it's safe to come down from the tree.

After we’re safe on the ground again, I receive a hand written message from the King thanking me for my contribution, self sacrifice, and courage. His and the kingdom’s safety is owed to my service. I am honored among the kingdom, and he bestows me his eternal favor.

I always knew He was a good king, but now I experience for myself how good he actually was. And, I knew that I loved him. I knew that when, in the future, when we ever meet, he would love me too. I make a decision to go on a quest to request the presence of the king. I’m on the opposite side of the country, so I know it will take a long journey to get there. I’m a knight and I feel strong and noble. I know that if I request the King’s presence, it will be granted. 

Suddenly I’m pulled away. My life changes time and location. The kingdom, king, and my dragon still exist, but it’s like I jumped across a time wrinkle into a far less exciting world and time. Where nothing exciting happens, because they don’t believe it can and that’s just not how it’s done. The colors are dull and the smell musty. Though I can’t exactly remember a time before being in the kingdom, I know I’ve been in this place before. I’m returning here, and I don’t like it. I already greatly miss my kingdom. I realize my journey back just got longer than I ever anticipated.

I look around me and realize I’m surrounded by people, some my own age. Within an instant, through their conversation and glares, I realize how pessimistic, haughty, and snobbish they all are. Fearfully judgmental, they’re all against each other.

But, have I a story for them!

Excitedly I tell them about the journey I just came back from: a land of dragons, floods, and a king’s personal recommendation. They laughed and sneered at me. I desperately tried to convince them, sharing that the most exciting thing was that I loved the King and knew that he loved me too. They asked me to prove it. I rummage through my papers, and can’t seem to find it. All I can find are once meaningful, now meaningless, awards and accolades of accomplishment. They’re awards I’d forgotten about, awards I received in my time here before going to the kingdom. But, I didn’t care about them anymore. They all seemed dull and meaningless. All that mattered to me now was that recommendation from the king from that vibrant kingdom.

Before I find it, the people mock me for my rediculous imagination, and walk off sneering. After rummaging a while longer, I find it, the last paper in my hand. I look at it and realize it looks much duller in this world’s light. Even though when I received it, it was beautiful beyond compare. It does not matter. I know who it's from and what it’s worth even if those people that walked off don’t.

I don’t know how, but I know that I’ll get to go back there one day. And when I arrive before the King, welcomed into his presence, I will recognize him and he will recognize me. 

Car Trouble

So I'm currently at a friend's brother's girlfriend's campus apartment in Nashville. Did you get that?
At the moment, I'm just chillin. And thinking about and being thankful about how awesome all of my friends are. That's all cool and all but, "Rachel," you ask "isn't today the last day of fall break, and don't classes start again tomorrow?" Why yes, you're absolutely right.

I was heading back from a lovely and refreshing trip to WS. I got to see some close friends, record music, worship, play games, eat venison pot roast, go hiking, visit Asheville, quality time with my bff, drive along the blue ridge parkway with the beautiful changing fall leaves... Basically, it really couldn't have been a better break.

I leave this morning for my drive back to Memphis. Well, after about 6/7ish hours of driving I gas up at Lebanon, TN. Earlier that afternoon, I had a random kick while driving. I wrote it off as it was not repeated.

Well, as I'm driving away from Lebanon on I-40 (at 3.2 miles to be precise), I get some more light hearted kicks. And then, wha-wha, my RPMs all of a sudden drop. And, I's got no juice.
I start slowing down from my 70 mph on the highway with cars zipping all around me. I go to neutral and back to drive and still nothin. I immediately change lanes (with my quickly diminishing momentum it's hard to do safely).

I try turning off my car and trying starting it again. It's trying but nothing's catching. Great.
I pop the hood and, oh goody, a baby cloud of black smoke arises. My favorite. My mechanically uneducated understanding has no idea what the heck is wrong. I thought the problem might be a belt issue as the smoke was coming from the vicinity of a belt... but let's be honest. I'm pretty sure I made that up cause I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I quickly get in my car and start praying. Not so much "God, fix this."But more of "God, you have a plan. You hear my prayer and you're aware of what's going on. Help me to give thanks in all things. And, oh yeah, help me deal with this situation." Which honestly surprised even myself. Mostly because if this had happened even earlier today, I'm not sure if I would have been in a place where I could/be able to do that.

A morning of meditating on memory verses and praying while driving is the only reason I was/am able to respond to this in the way that I did. My intentionality of intimacy with God this morning determined whether or not I responded in a way that showed trust in God.

My car still didn't turn on after I prayed. I called AAA. My membership was overdue. So, before they could help me I had to pay the annual dues. An hour later, the tow truck finally came to tow me to Nashville- the guy was super nice and friendly (a plus for a lone traveler). He took me to the first place AAA suggested which looked super sketch. It was closed for the night anyway. I called again and asked for another garage/auto repair address. We arrived 3 minutes before they closed. Just in time to fill out paperwork and have it ready to look at first thing in the morning. With violin, gig bag, and overnight bag in tow I wander to the 24 hr McDonalds as I plot my next move. Commence try to find a place to stay Telethon 2013...

Yesterday, while traveling to Asheville my phone died. At the time, I told myself, I really need to be more careful about that and not have that happen again. Today, I'm extremely thankful that I had full batteries with all of my electronics. And, that McDonalds has free wi-fi.

To be honest, it was at this point where I started panicking. It was not that I just had my car break down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and am now stranded in a unfamiliar city. Psh, that's old news... Instead it was the ever present reminder that I'm dirt poor right now. I'm trying hard to be financially independent. And there's the definite probability that I won't be able to pay for this without asking for my parents help. And because I equate financial independence with adulthood and responsible maturity, the idea of having to ask for financial help is basically saying: I've failed.

This past summer I've "gotten over myself" with asking for places to stay (even for long periods of time) and being able to ask for, much less accept, people's generosity. Heck I've even been getting over caring so much about looking stupid. But, coming to terms with failing to fit my self imposed image of responsibility?
Such as... the possibility of needing to ask for money from someone (even your parents)...

I think all of it goes down to this conception that true wisdom and maturity "must" mean you will be prepared for any and all unexpected disasters, whenever they hit. But, I don't think that's right. I have an inkling that wisdom and maturity have a whole lot more to do with how you respond to stressful and unexpected situations. And somehow, I think I was showing more maturity sitting on the side of the interstate praying than I was sitting in McDonalds freaking out. But, I could be wrong...

I guess this post really isn't finished in that this "problem" of my car isn't exactly fixed. But, at the moment I realize there's not much I can do beyond what I'm doing now.
Praying and trusting. And get back to keep trying to do that whole thing of being a grad student and an adult at the same time.

Wish I could have stayed in NC longer

Getting Over Myself

So, I've been in Memphis over a month now, and I feel like I'm starting to find a groove. My housemates and I hosted our first party this weekend in order to better know the other grad students. We had a good turn out and we had a great time.

Since coming here, I've felt confident. Sure of myself. Ready. I know it had a lot to do with the fact that I decided who I wanted to be when I moved here. New start and all that. I can wish to be something else all I want, but it's when I start acting like what I want to be that it starts becoming a reality.

This summer I learned more than I can probably ever spit out. Though I'll try. I love talking about what I learned, and most days I realize something more how my time in Europe changed me.

One was an acceptance of a calling God's placed in my life. I had this perspective that the fruition of my calling would just one day happen. But, I found out that's wrong. What I'm called to/going to do I need to start acting like I'm going to do it, now. Start living that identity today. Not when the time comes and I'm "ready".

Second, this summer was one huge lesson in getting over myself. I think I mentioned this in my summer blog about constantly looking like an idiot and having to come to terms with that. You don't know the language, everyone knows you're an American, you're lost 90% of the time and have to ask for directions, etc. You walk down the street and there is no feasible way to hide the fact that you have no idea what you're doing. And EVERYONE knows it. No, seriously.

The funny thing is, why do we ever think that we CAN hide it? I mean really. This summer has been excellent training for this recent move. Looking like an idiot forces you to come to terms with your inability to always know everything.

And lets have a honest moment and say that people don't like not knowing. Can I get an amen? Don't leave me hanging. I don't like not knowing and I know I'm not the only one.
"Why?" was and is my favorite question. But basing your comfort, satisfaction, success, purpose, or whatever, on whether you have that answer is a recipe for staying only in situations where you can predict or control the outcome. That sounds like a boring life to me.

I'm used to knowing things when it comes to music. At least a fairly decent amount.
I'm taking this class where I'm constantly being reminded that I don't know shit. While on many levels, I love this class, it is far from comfortable. Realizing "I don't know shit" and having everyone else know too is something that's hard to sit still for.

This last class, my biggest issue I realized is learning to get over myself. It's being in Austria all over again. It's just a little less glamorous, there's no wienerschnitzle afterwards, and I'm surrounded by poor lighting and boring architecture.

I have to ask questions to learn.
Even if they sound stupid.
I have to try.
Even if I make mistakes.
And I have to be okay with not knowing everything.

Who knew that being good at something could wind up being an inhibition.
I can't chicken out just because I'm afraid I'll fall flat on my face.

Closet Case Introvert

This might sound weird, but I had an epiphany understanding how I process things. There's been a recent craze about introvert-ism , and how they're cool people too. You've probably seen posts about that plastered all over your facebook wall like mine. I eventually started reading some of them.

It's weird that growing up, for some reason, I thought I was an extrovert. I'm not entirely sure when that got started. I'm sure along the way somewhere I started idealizing extroverts and wanted to be just like them. I probably also compared myself to my parents (who are probably more introverted than I am) and decided, compared to them, I must be extroverted. But it's only been within the past few months that I've only begun to ask, hmmm, could I be an introvert?

///Reality Shift///

I just listened to this TED talk called: The Power of Introverts. The speaker said, in a group of people, we "instinctively mimic ideas and opinions, regardless of their quality. We innately follow the most charismatic or dominant person in the room. Regardless of the fact that just because your the best talker doesn't mean you have the best ideas. It's much better to for everyone to go off by themselves and generate their own ideas free from distortion of group dynamics. And then have everyone come together in a well managed environment."

That last part was a truth bomb for me. I instinctively know that I need time away from people or I have no idea what I really want anymore. But, I'm not sure if I admit that to myself. I need time to generate my own ideas (even opinions, and tastes) or I consistently mimic my identity away.

Good golly.

Know yourself. It would seem like that shouldn't be that hard. But, I don't really know what makes me thrive quite like I used to think. What environment makes me ready for the world around me?

Introvertism. You might not be so scary after all.

Readjust Your Focus

"Some days to keep you going, you have to ask yourself "Do I really want this?" If it's no, sometimes you have to look further down the road and ask, "But, do I want that?" 


At this very moment, I don't want to do my taxes. 
But, instead I choose to look forward to my refund check.

I don't want to study, practice, or do anything that even remotely sounds stressful. 
Instead I'm looking towards graduation and a summer break in 6 weeks.

There were numerous times I didn't want to practice this year when I had auditions coming up. But, I asked myself "Do I really want that position/job/fellowship?" With some of them I realized, no, I don't actually want that. Figuring that out was helpful so I didn't waste my time on projects I didn't really care about. But, there were other things that I realized, yes, I do in fact want them. 

I realize that I am a short sighted, whiny, hopeful to the point of entitled, person who wants what they want when they want it. I'm a "victim" of the times, my generation, being an American, and just being a sinner. At the first sign of struggle, difficulty makes me want to raise my hands in the air and go "can't do it". 

That's why I have to constantly readjust my focus. I have to look beyond what is going on right now, write/vent my whininess out in my journals and move on, and even ask myself why I really want something. 

Don't Forget

I just got a letter in the mail today. It was from me. 9 months ago, my Suzuki teacher trainer had us write a plan with goals for the next year. He also had us write a letter to ourselves encouraging us about things that we were learning at the institute, that we might need to be reminded of later. Our teacher held on to the letters to send them to us later.

I didn't think I could be so encouraged by reading an old "to do" list. Most of the time, I don't feel like I ever accomplish what I set out to do, and writing it down just makes me feel worse about myself.
This time, it wasn't that way. Most of the things on the list I've actually done, or am in the middle of doing. Regarding the things I haven't done I'm either: okay with not actually doing because plans changed or they're very much in reach of being accomplished.

The point of this is not to look at a piece of paper and go, "Oh, well I have (or haven't) made good use of my time based on whether I set out to do what I said I would do." But, it is a reminder of the fact that we can live our lives with purpose and creativity. If we start living with purpose, just maybe we can start changing ourselves (and maybe other people's lives too) for the better. And if we live creatively, maybe we will have more reason and inspiration to keep doing what we love to do.

~Music Goals
-Be ready to graduate in May (check!!)
-Have post-graduate option plans submitted/auditioned
    Lincoln Center Fellowship (no...)
    New World, Symphony in C, Civic (New World Sub Audition in April!)
    Contact Teacher to Suzuki Shadow (no time or readily available local resources)
    Orchestra Auditions (Memphis, yes; Charlotte and Raleigh, Audition in May/June)

~Teaching Goals
-Stay Creative and Flexible (daily choice)
-Find another institute for violin teacher training bk. 2 (not yet, waiting to hear back from other things first; possible choice Stevens Point)
-Expand/Maintain teaching to 5 students (Total of 9: 1 UNCSA, 6 Separk, 2 Private)

~Personal Development (Read)
-Nurtured by Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)
-I Prefer to Learn with Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)

~Personal Health
-Make time for moments of joy in music regularly (yes: church worship, band, improv)
-Play for at least one retirement home, hospital, or day care (not yet, but plan to before my recital)
-Keep Dancing (yes, it's so good for my soul!)

Here's my letter:

Hey Rachel,

So, you've not only enjoyed this week at Eastern Carolina University Suzuki Institute, you've needed it.
[There's] Musical and spiritual healing going on right here. Don't let the craziness of school make you forget- you're a Suzuki kid. 

And, by that I mean, you don't have to keep letting criticism and negativity determine your choices musically, vocationally, or what you do with your time. 

Remember, the world can and does run on love (Christ made it that way). And it's okay for music to be about love, too.

Your future is important. But, not as important as making sure you love what you do, who you are, and who you are with. The power to change things when you start living will surprise you. Keep following God, and you'll be following love. He made it that way on purpose.

P.S. If I could be at Suzuki Institutes like this all the time, I think I'd be just fine with that. Tickled pink, in fact. 

House of Cards

So, I''m juggling this intimidating schedule with multiple things going demanding my time and energy. I just had Spring Break, if you can call it that. Basically it was a weekend out of town, otherwise I worked, taught, and rehearsed like usual. I was able to get a few things done that I have just been unable to do while school was marching on. Well, it's Monday and the last few weeks before graduating are definitely holding nothing back. I wish I could say that I'm excited. I'm reaching a point where if I do make it across this freakish finish line, celebrating isn't even in the picture anymore. I have a vivid expectation that I will I collapse with the only energy to keep breathing. A medically induced coma sounds kind of appealing, not gonna lie.

I've been doing pretty well this semester. And by well, I mean dealing with all of my crazy things to do. Performing with Greensboro Symphony, subbing with Winston-Salem Symphony, teaching violin lessons, assistant teaching at school, being librarian (and human stapler) to the orchestra, Concertmaster of school orchestra, Bible study co-leader, church band member, and oh yeah I forgot, student. Friend got left off that list this time, cause I'm pretty sure I've been a lousy one this term. And I guess we can throw in the fact that I'm desperately trying to prepare for "life after graduation". Whatever that does and can mean, I feel like I'm grasping at trying to accomplish.

Well, the house of cards had a good shake down today. I found out I have a book report/class presentation due tomorrow morning at 10 am. I don't even know what book the book report is on to begin with. I don't think there's any amount of bullshitting you can do to cover that one up. I just asked the teacher for an extension. In all fairness, the syllabus has conflicting and contradictory assignments posted. It's just unfortunate that I looked at the one that says mine isn't due until next month.