Wanting Him

I'm not a parent. And, don't forsee being one in the near future. But, I have this wonderful perspective of being a music teacher where I get to interact with parents and kids on a regular basis. My thoughts are therefore most heavily influenced by these experiences. So, if I were a parent and had a rule book to live by it would probably look something like this:

No. 1 rule of parenting:
Don't give children what's bad for said children.

Seems easy enough. I mean, that's why you're the grown up and they're the kid.
For instance, when they don't want to practice violin, keep encouraging them. They don't realize in their momentary emotion of hating music/practice/whatever, that they will like it once again when they get over whatever their most current obstacle is. Kids can't see into the future beyond dinner time. They can't begin to imagine that it's the obstacles they hate, not violin, art, or whatever vehicle an obstacle is being presented in.

That goes back to the age old idea that no one likes to struggle.
Except, maybe, the ones who've made it to the other side.

But, seriously, in the thick of it, no one wants it. Few, in the midst of something difficult, fully realize how much stronger they're going to be when they're done. But, when they reach the other side, that's when they realize the difference between the person who started the journey and the person who finished.

I've been thinking a lot about prayer. Two weeks ago I heard someone talk about how we need to "keep knocking" when it comes to praying. My favorite realization was when the speaker made the connection that the reason God answers our prayers is not out of "friendship" but out of our persistence. For instance, if we kept knocking asking for bread at a person's house, eventually they're gonna want to just shut us up and make us go away. It doesnt matter if they're our friend. If they don't give bread to us the first time we ask (like a friend would) they'll give it to us out of shear exhaustion of having to deal with our constant pestering. I see it now: "Here's your stinkin bread. Now, go away!"

Sounds weird, right? Well, then the connection was made- how often do we ask things of God because we think we are His friend? We ask because we think we're on "good enough" terms with him to deserve it.

I had two different reactions to this.

The first was, whoa. Truth bomb. I am not always God's friend. God is always mine, but I am not always a friend towards God. Our relationship is consistent in only one direction-God towards me. To think that I love God all the time is to lie to myself about the nature of my commitment to God.

The second was this. (And, here comes my inner battle...)

If I ask long enough, will God give me what I want, even if it's bad for me?

Top Secret Parenting Weakness No. 1:
If my kid keeps begging for something, long enough and loud enough, eventually I will cave and give them what they want out of exhaustion. Throw out and forget Parenting Rule No. 1.

If this strong willed, obstinate child wants what's bad for them, let them have it. There's a point where you can't make someone want what is good. They have to want it for themselves.
If they want to quit violin, and they push hard enough, so be it. Let them quit.
They beg to stay up all night, let them. Let them realize for themselves what a terrible idea not sleeping really is.

I guess, what I struggle with is: when I pray do I really want what God has for me (which will always turn out for eternal good). Whatever is good is of God, for it glorifies God. Or, do I pray for what I think will be good (for me) when and where I think I should have it? Am I praying for the here and the now, or the there and then? One way can have eternal results of treasure, the other possible eternal results of perhaps just painful lessons learned.

I don't want to be a spoiled child, resistant to future blessing because of current hardship.

And to be completely and selfishly honest, I don't want to learn more hard lessons than I have to.
I don't want to miss out on more than I have to (because I was too consumed with what I wanted).

I am continuously reminded that I don't know how prayer "works". Because, I keep falling into this trap that God is like a slot machine. If you put in the sacrificial coin, manipulate the machine just right, pull the lever with conviction and faith, then I'll get what I want. But, that's never what God wanted. God's purpose in all of this was never that we should get whatever we wanted. Because from the beginning, we never really wanted God. What God wants is relationship. God wants us to want Him. And it's funny how, that's what we're all searching for.

What is the wisdom that you are, 

My One, what do you see for me? 

How can I be, when the end seems so far,

less of me, and more of what you see? 

It's your token as a lover

to give instead of take

it's your love where I take cover

I live by your namesake

I sing your name, now my love

strength in your fullness make

that feeds my soul for life above

my love for you, now awake

living proof your will prevail 

living through drought, through flood

You shower me regardless, 

with your evidence of blood 

Assurance I have and know

built on grace that makes me free

that gives me purpose for life below

you bless me beyond what I foresee

  

What and Where

So, once again, the mood to write strikes when I'm trying to accomplish homework.

Just had a talk yesterday with the parentals about my future, job prospects, loans, and all things financial. A heavy topic for anyone in my opinion. I was in a poor mood to start with, trying to get ready for dinner and that evening's concert, while trying to communicate on a lousy phone.  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? The conversation didn't exactly go very smoothly.

But, we had a redo today. A little calmer, a little less stressed, and ready to ask and answer some questions.

I realized I have no idea where I want to do what I want. Yes, I said it weird. Basically, where do I want to live? I don't think I care as long as I can do music, make a living, and have a good community. I say think, because well, I don't think I care where I live. I love where I am, but I think I love it because of the amazing community, I'm playing music, and making a small living. If I could do that anywhere, I would probably love it there too.

I'm scared to come straight out with what I want. Why? Because if I do, that means I have to go all out straight for it. And I don't know if that's possible and pay my bills, feed myself, and have a place to live.

My parents reminded me, maybe I'm not going to have the perfect job right after school. And by not perfect, that could even mean not in my field. Waitress, nanny, whatever. They went on to say I may not be able to live in the place I want to live. That was a blow.

I've looked at people who finish school looking for the perfect job in their chosen career and gone, "They're so spoiled to think they can just get whatever they want immediately after school. People have to work to get what they want. Including jobs and careers."  Why had I not, until now, realized I was following the same thought process? I think I thought I was different.

Well, I'm gonna keep spitting out my dreams and maybe I'll get better ideas on how to make them a reality.
I want to play in a band. Like I'm doing at church. But paid. Tour. Make CD's. Worship God. Make music.
With that, I want to be in the studio making music on other musician's cd's too. Be a studio musician.
I would also like to keep myself in the classical music world. I want it all.

Maybe I'm waiting for someone to ask me, invite me into their pre-formed band that's ready to go be famous. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to do all the work for me.
I have not seriously considered starting my own band. But, maybe I need to. If that's the case, I have a lot more work to do than I thought.


The other options mentioned today were
Military gigs (the uniforms and job security are appealing)
Symphony in C, New Jersy
Chicago Civic
New World, Miami (fellowship)
Orchestra Librarian (dislike the work, but it's work)
Suzuki Teacher

Maybe I should move to Nashville. Audition for the symphony (that's how Edgar Meyer started (he was born in tulsa too!)), start a band, join a band, tour in between concerts, happily ever after set go.

No, but seriously. Maybe that's what I need to do. And in order to get there I should get lessons with somebody in the orchestra, play for people, etc. Also, check out teaching opportunities...But before that I should figure out what to play for them. That means more practice. Doesn't it always?




 

Meet and Greet

This morning was one of those mornings. Those mornings where I said I was going to go running with my friend at 7am. But, when my alarm went off, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I secretly wished that she would cancel.

But, she didn't, and in the end I'm glad. We both didn't run much, but we did do our allotted distance of 3 miles. And the conversation was good. As it always is.

The topic at hand was, as artists, we both want to make art that brings honor and glory to God. We have both come to terms with the fact that we love "high" art. But, we dislike the lifestyle that comes with it. And I use the term "high art" loosely. For my side of the conversation, high art is classical music. It's the art that I have gone to school to study and to further my education. But, we have both expressed our desire to serve and to have community with the lower to middle class populace who perhaps don't appreciate high art. You don't have to be super aware of culture to realize the rich and upper class are artists' biggest supporters and benefactors. So, as artists, we seem to be called to a profession where we are isolating ourselves from those who we want to serve. That's a dilemma.

I grew up listening and playing classical music. I study it, listen to it, and perform it. I love it.
However, in High School, I came across rock, bluegrass, country, folk, jazz, and the like. Music by Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Bela Fleck, Nickle Creek, and Allison Krauss- they opened my eyes to a refreshing new world. This whole world of music falls outside the realm of what classical musicians call high art. And, I can honestly say I love that kind of music.

And I realized, sure, maybe the worlds are different. But they both speak to people. They both serve human emotional needs. They're both worthy of being pursued, played, and enjoyed.

So why is it, that when I'm with my classical musicians and I play something reminiscent of bluegrass they curl their lip in disgust and make some snide remark about them only listening and/or playing "real" music.
Feeling like a an unwanted rebellious child I take my love for the alternative to where "it's appropriate" and play and listen to it to my heart's content. But, my heart isn't fully content with this either or business. I want to play both.

Then again, when I bring up a classical music in any of my my non-classical musician friends, I realize I've instantly alienated them. I can see their response, "Isn't that music 200 years old and only rich people listen to it? I don't listen to music that I can't hum the melody."

I feel like a mother with two very different children having to choose between them. I love them both. Why is it that I keep running into people who say and act like I can't love them both?

So, inevitably, not matter who I'm with, I feel the need to defend and justify music. Just saying that sounds wrong. Whatever music people don't play (or listen to), they feel the need to discredit the validity or value. If it's not intimidation, the problem's arrogance. If it isn't deprecation, the problem's idolization.

Maybe I'm getting too defensive. And also, maybe I just haven't figured out how to have the two worlds have a proper meet and greet, and, well, get along.

Consider it on my to do list.

Laborless Days

So, today is Labor Day, and in America that means we celebrate by NOT doing labor. In addition to thinking about all the yummy things to eat and fun people to hang out with, I'm thinking about Art and Soul Bible Study on Wednesday. Why am I thinking about my little Bible study on campus? Well, on Wednesday I get to lead it.

Commence incremental and progressive stress.

Not really. But sorta.

This has been on my heart to do for a while.
But, when it gets down to it, I don't think wanting to do it makes it any easier.

I was (and still am) that student in college who did everything in their power to get out of and avoid aural class presentations. I will write papers twice as long as anyone else in the class if that means I don't have to talk in front of the class. I have done 3 in my entire almost 7 year college career: Dostoevsky's Underground in Western Thought, Elementary Particles in Quantum Physics, and John Adams in 20th Century Music History. In grade school I did one presentation about Alligators and Crocodiles. But, that was in the 5th grade and in front of my mother. I still wound up crying and running to my room afterwards.

In the end, I see those decisions to get out of presenting as poor choices on my part. I realize this and acknowledge it freely. That was a dumb choice for my education. Let's find something I'm afraid of and not good at and run from it in an environment intended for learning. Instead I should have been taking the challenge to learn, improve, and adjust. Well, I'm starting that now. Or, I guess, on Wednesday.

But, talking about something I am passionate about should be easy. Or, so they say. I've been praying all week that God would help me figure out what I should talk about: the ocean, waves, gospel, Levites, art as sacrifice. All very vague and undeveloped. It's like I spent the weekend reading 2nd Chronicles at the beach. Oh, wait, maybe that's because I did.

I know what I need to do: point to Jesus, show where we are, where we need to be, follow up with Grace, and end with the freedom God gave us to live how He intended us to live.

So I'll be starting on that today. On my laborless day.
God is good. God is good all the time.

Filled with a Cloud

2 Chronicles 5: 12-14

And all the Levites who were singers—all of those of Asaph, Heman, and Jeduthun, with their sons and kinsmen, arrayed in fine linen, having cymbals, harps, and lyres—stood at the east end of the altar, and with them 120 priests blowing trumpets;

And when the trumpeters and singers were joined in unison, making one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and other instruments for song and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever, then the house of the Lord was filled with a cloud,

So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God.

First of all, why have I never noticed this before? The Levites worshiped with one voice praising God and the Lord came into their midst. He not only came into their midst, but filled the place with his presence rendering them unable to worship. All they could do was be encompassed in his presence. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I experience God like that during worship. But, I want to. Yes, I want to.

I don't know where God's taking me. But, there's a lot of questions about worship, ministry, service, sacrifice, and standards of artistic excellence on my heart right now. And, I keep going back to the Levites, the old testament music ministers.

I have a deep desire to be a Levite. A life of worship and leading others in worship. I don't know what that would look like in our modern day church. If there is such a thing, or if that's something God's going to have to regenerate and help me pursue. I honestly don't know. Don't know what he's gonna do, that is. All I can do is study and tend to what He's put on my heart for now.

Fighting with Fire

I hate fights.

As a second/middle child, many of my traits fall into the peace keeper corner. Combine that with my name, which means peace, and it all starts to make sense like it was made up in a corny fairy tale.
Being surrounded with "qualities of peace" does that mean that conflict never happens? Oh, on the contrary. It's just that whenever conflict does happen- it must be resolved. Immediately. Lasting conflict makes me ill.

On Wednesday our young adult church group did a game/exercise where we pretended we were at a conference in front of thousands of people. We would be called on the spot and given a random topic to speak on. We would then have to explain the gospel through whatever topic we were given. There were a lot of "interesting" topics: hair spray, bubble gum, even sky scrapers. It was impossible not to be doubled over in laughter for most of these. However, there were also a few that literally took my breath away at how God managed to use a random topic to show his plan for us. One of them was charcoal. The other was candles.

I won't attempt at recreating what was said. But, what spoke to me most was God sometimes has to throw us into the fire to make us straight. Fights make me feel like I'm being thrown in the fire. And probably most important, and most painful, when I'm thrown in the fire my sinful nature rages in protest. In the fire, I see what I'm holding onto, or what's keeping me from being more like Christ.

That's why I hate fights. Sure, I might in fact be a peace keeper. But, most importantly, I hate fights because I'm sinful. It's impossible to be in a fight and not be reminded that you are not as good as you pretend to be.

So, here's to being thrown in the fire and allowing God to burn anything that's not of Him.

Finish Rejoicing

Appreciation

That's what's on my mind from yesterday.
It's a simple thing really. Are you by nature a thankful person? Do you have the ability to see other peoples actions and see in them the sacrifice?

I have the pride that says, yes, I am able to see people's sacrifices (or lack thereof) and adequately judge them and their value. Hmmm, that's a pretty dangerous statement if I do say so myself.

Yesterday, I heard an amazing presentation of the gospel. In fact, I tried to give it myself in miniature form. But, I don't think it came out quite like I intended, so I'll try again here. 

So this idea of value is really a reflection of something bigger than ourselves: God. Do you value Christ? Because, say you don't, that means you value something else more, and it probably winds up being you. And who here can say in all honesty that they always value Christ in the way due Him. That's a trick question, btw. 

But, not to get ahead of myself. I realized yesterday I had reached the point of being angry at God and I didn't even know what about. I was praying, but I wasn't enjoying it. I was singing, but it felt empty. I read my Bible but nothing spoke to me. I didn't fully understand it at the time, but I knew I needed to start thanking God. Thanking God for my car, for my house, for my parents, for my rent, for taking care of me, for being good, for blessing me, for saving me. And, there it was. I didn't even know it, but I had lost my appreciation for the very thing Christ did for me. 

I tend to say things blow my mind a lot, but this really blew my mind. When I lose appreciation for what Christ has done, I lose sight of everything else. My perspective becomes skewed- if I'm not valuing the everyday things that affirm God's love for me, how can I value God's ultimate expression of love for me? Taking it the next step further, if I don't act and respond like God loves me, how can I believe God loves me? I have no confidence, no value in myself, no hope. Nothing makes me angrier than being hopeless. Anger had snuck into my life without me even realizing who, what, when, where, or why. 

Let's never forget "the Joy of the Lord is my strength". His strength over death and sin is now mine. In that I can and will rejoice.

"I started the work weeping, I finished it rejoicing."