Whenever I get the inspiration to write, I always hope that it will turn out as good as it sounds inside my head. I'm not there yet, but I try.
This afternoon I was talking with a girl who's a few years younger than me. She was asking for some advice in a situation. The girl finds herself being "confessed to" by her piers about all the bad things they've done over the weekend. The girl, as sweet and well behaved as you could imagine, can't relate to those things. A part of her doesn't want to out of a fear of condoning said behavior. But, she realizes that if she goes "Oh, I'm sorry" that doesn't quite deal with the real issue.
These people are sinners. And, so are we. People know we're Christians. But, what they don't know is if we're sinners too. We try to act so perfect, people sometimes wonder if we think we are too. But the reality of it is that we need Jesus just as much as they do.
These people come, with obvious brokeness, not for the confirmation that what they're doing is wrong, but that they're still eligible for God's grace and love. Next time you're confronted with someone who says "Man, this weekend I did ____" Maybe that's an opportunity. An opportunity to reciprocate that vulnerability with a "you know what, I struggle with ___..." or "I have done ___ and God was good to forgive me and give me grace. The same way God loves me, He loves you too."
That evening I was reminded that when we're vulnerable with God about who we are, He shows us who He is. And, by doing that shows us who we because of who he is.
When people tell us who they are, they want to know who God is. Not who we wish or want them to be.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Finely Out of Focus
I see the sun
on the far horizon
I greet the ground
beneath my feet
I carry my memories
they taste hard and sweet
I don't know where
my road will take me
all I carry is what I've learned
life's prizes don't come free
glimpses of his love
that spurs me on
I seize the moment
before it's gone
life's travels can be a mystery
but what is clear is what's before me
the future finely out of focus
only time will tell what it will be
on the far horizon
I greet the ground
beneath my feet
I carry my memories
they taste hard and sweet
I don't know where
my road will take me
all I carry is what I've learned
life's prizes don't come free
glimpses of his love
that spurs me on
I seize the moment
before it's gone
life's travels can be a mystery
but what is clear is what's before me
the future finely out of focus
only time will tell what it will be
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Convictional Change
Personal Challenge Moment
On my mind and on my heart earlier this week: Who to vote for?
I prayed about it, and then today I voted.
But, that's not enough. There's so much hate about everything political, that it's impossible to take a stance on anything without being attacked. It makes me hate ever talking about politics to the point where I've made my political viewpoint more and more private.
But, here's what I decided.
Whether I agree with people politically or not, debating about who will do the best job, or how that job should be done, I know that what we care about is the same. And, that's what I want to talk about. I believe we care about people. We want people to be valued. We want to know that we are valued.
You see someone who has no food and is hungry and thirsty.
You see someone who is sick and is in need of help.
You see someone defenseless with no way of protecting themselves.
You see someone who is different, and people out of fear separate them from everyone else.
You see someone making a choice for themselves at the physical hurt of others.
And we respond with pity, we turn away, we judge, we scorn, we excuse.
And most often we are actively vocal about our concern for people not stepping in to help.
How often do I see something wrong, and instead of stepping up, I point out the obvious fact that people or a situation needs help
This should be convicting.
And when I say convicting, what I really mean is that it should become a challenge in your life with tangible results from you.
So, this year (regardless of who takes office, or who is in political power) let's take the power and freedom that we have as US citizens and be that change. Start small and we can make big changes: the friends we love, in the neighborhood we live, in the community we are a part, and in the city we live. That's how real change happens. Permanent change in one person's life can permanently change other's for good.
Don't wait for someone else to do the things you are feeling convicted about.
What does this look like for me? I'm so glad you asked.
Well, really what do I have that I can share, give, and help with?
Compared to some, I don't have much money. To others, I'm doing just fine. I tend to think I don't have much, but do have some. It is hard earned, and will consequently mean that much more when I give it away.
Time, like money, is equally valuable to myself and to others. What I do with it shows what I value most. Am I spending it all on myself, or am I sharing it with people who could benefit from someone just taking the time for them.
Labor is the doing part. Are you willing to make an effort for someone? Get your hands dirty? Make it what you will, but where we cannot give in one area we can certainly give in another.
So this year, I'm stopping with the excuses for myself or for others. I'm taking my convictions and making them an opportunity for change in my life, and hopefully, if you know me it will effect change for you too.
On my mind and on my heart earlier this week: Who to vote for?
I prayed about it, and then today I voted.
But, that's not enough. There's so much hate about everything political, that it's impossible to take a stance on anything without being attacked. It makes me hate ever talking about politics to the point where I've made my political viewpoint more and more private.
But, here's what I decided.
Whether I agree with people politically or not, debating about who will do the best job, or how that job should be done, I know that what we care about is the same. And, that's what I want to talk about. I believe we care about people. We want people to be valued. We want to know that we are valued.
You see someone who has no food and is hungry and thirsty.
You see someone who is sick and is in need of help.
You see someone defenseless with no way of protecting themselves.
You see someone who is different, and people out of fear separate them from everyone else.
You see someone making a choice for themselves at the physical hurt of others.
And we respond with pity, we turn away, we judge, we scorn, we excuse.
And most often we are actively vocal about our concern for people not stepping in to help.
How often do I see something wrong, and instead of stepping up, I point out the obvious fact that people or a situation needs help
This should be convicting.
And when I say convicting, what I really mean is that it should become a challenge in your life with tangible results from you.
So, this year (regardless of who takes office, or who is in political power) let's take the power and freedom that we have as US citizens and be that change. Start small and we can make big changes: the friends we love, in the neighborhood we live, in the community we are a part, and in the city we live. That's how real change happens. Permanent change in one person's life can permanently change other's for good.
Don't wait for someone else to do the things you are feeling convicted about.
What does this look like for me? I'm so glad you asked.
Well, really what do I have that I can share, give, and help with?
Compared to some, I don't have much money. To others, I'm doing just fine. I tend to think I don't have much, but do have some. It is hard earned, and will consequently mean that much more when I give it away.
Time, like money, is equally valuable to myself and to others. What I do with it shows what I value most. Am I spending it all on myself, or am I sharing it with people who could benefit from someone just taking the time for them.
Labor is the doing part. Are you willing to make an effort for someone? Get your hands dirty? Make it what you will, but where we cannot give in one area we can certainly give in another.
So this year, I'm stopping with the excuses for myself or for others. I'm taking my convictions and making them an opportunity for change in my life, and hopefully, if you know me it will effect change for you too.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Giving Way
This practice room
really confines you
restricts you with what you are
and what you're holding onto
it's a place where mistakes
are brought to surface
and not just in the music
but your inner demons
that are keeping you from the music
the thoughts that say
you're not good enough
there's no redemption
it's all too late.
Waste of the talent you've been given
a wayward son beyond the reach of home.
And you were the only thing standing in the way.
Because in the practice room
it's just you and the music
You never know what will give way.
you hope to God, it's you
really confines you
restricts you with what you are
and what you're holding onto
it's a place where mistakes
are brought to surface
and not just in the music
but your inner demons
that are keeping you from the music
the thoughts that say
you're not good enough
there's no redemption
it's all too late.
Waste of the talent you've been given
a wayward son beyond the reach of home.
And you were the only thing standing in the way.
Because in the practice room
it's just you and the music
You never know what will give way.
you hope to God, it's you
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Wanting Him
I'm not a parent. And, don't forsee being one in the near future. But, I have this wonderful perspective of being a music teacher where I get to interact with parents and kids on a regular basis. My thoughts are therefore most heavily influenced by these experiences. So, if I were a parent and had a rule book to live by it would probably look something like this:
No. 1 rule of parenting:
Don't give children what's bad for said children.
Seems easy enough. I mean, that's why you're the grown up and they're the kid.
For instance, when they don't want to practice violin, keep encouraging them. They don't realize in their momentary emotion of hating music/practice/whatever, that they will like it once again when they get over whatever their most current obstacle is. Kids can't see into the future beyond dinner time. They can't begin to imagine that it's the obstacles they hate, not violin, art, or whatever vehicle an obstacle is being presented in.
That goes back to the age old idea that no one likes to struggle.
Except, maybe, the ones who've made it to the other side.
But, seriously, in the thick of it, no one wants it. Few, in the midst of something difficult, fully realize how much stronger they're going to be when they're done. But, when they reach the other side, that's when they realize the difference between the person who started the journey and the person who finished.
I've been thinking a lot about prayer. Two weeks ago I heard someone talk about how we need to "keep knocking" when it comes to praying. My favorite realization was when the speaker made the connection that the reason God answers our prayers is not out of "friendship" but out of our persistence. For instance, if we kept knocking asking for bread at a person's house, eventually they're gonna want to just shut us up and make us go away. It doesnt matter if they're our friend. If they don't give bread to us the first time we ask (like a friend would) they'll give it to us out of shear exhaustion of having to deal with our constant pestering. I see it now: "Here's your stinkin bread. Now, go away!"
Sounds weird, right? Well, then the connection was made- how often do we ask things of God because we think we are His friend? We ask because we think we're on "good enough" terms with him to deserve it.
I had two different reactions to this.
The first was, whoa. Truth bomb. I am not always God's friend. God is always mine, but I am not always a friend towards God. Our relationship is consistent in only one direction-God towards me. To think that I love God all the time is to lie to myself about the nature of my commitment to God.
The second was this. (And, here comes my inner battle...)
If I ask long enough, will God give me what I want, even if it's bad for me?
Top Secret Parenting Weakness No. 1:
If my kid keeps begging for something, long enough and loud enough, eventually I will cave and give them what they want out of exhaustion. Throw out and forget Parenting Rule No. 1.
If this strong willed, obstinate child wants what's bad for them, let them have it. There's a point where you can't make someone want what is good. They have to want it for themselves.
If they want to quit violin, and they push hard enough, so be it. Let them quit.
They beg to stay up all night, let them. Let them realize for themselves what a terrible idea not sleeping really is.
I guess, what I struggle with is: when I pray do I really want what God has for me (which will always turn out for eternal good). Whatever is good is of God, for it glorifies God. Or, do I pray for what I think will be good (for me) when and where I think I should have it? Am I praying for the here and the now, or the there and then? One way can have eternal results of treasure, the other possible eternal results of perhaps just painful lessons learned.
I don't want to be a spoiled child, resistant to future blessing because of current hardship.
And to be completely and selfishly honest, I don't want to learn more hard lessons than I have to.
I don't want to miss out on more than I have to (because I was too consumed with what I wanted).
I am continuously reminded that I don't know how prayer "works". Because, I keep falling into this trap that God is like a slot machine. If you put in the sacrificial coin, manipulate the machine just right, pull the lever with conviction and faith, then I'll get what I want. But, that's never what God wanted. God's purpose in all of this was never that we should get whatever we wanted. Because from the beginning, we never really wanted God. What God wants is relationship. God wants us to want Him. And it's funny how, that's what we're all searching for.
No. 1 rule of parenting:
Don't give children what's bad for said children.
Seems easy enough. I mean, that's why you're the grown up and they're the kid.
For instance, when they don't want to practice violin, keep encouraging them. They don't realize in their momentary emotion of hating music/practice/whatever, that they will like it once again when they get over whatever their most current obstacle is. Kids can't see into the future beyond dinner time. They can't begin to imagine that it's the obstacles they hate, not violin, art, or whatever vehicle an obstacle is being presented in.
That goes back to the age old idea that no one likes to struggle.
Except, maybe, the ones who've made it to the other side.
But, seriously, in the thick of it, no one wants it. Few, in the midst of something difficult, fully realize how much stronger they're going to be when they're done. But, when they reach the other side, that's when they realize the difference between the person who started the journey and the person who finished.
I've been thinking a lot about prayer. Two weeks ago I heard someone talk about how we need to "keep knocking" when it comes to praying. My favorite realization was when the speaker made the connection that the reason God answers our prayers is not out of "friendship" but out of our persistence. For instance, if we kept knocking asking for bread at a person's house, eventually they're gonna want to just shut us up and make us go away. It doesnt matter if they're our friend. If they don't give bread to us the first time we ask (like a friend would) they'll give it to us out of shear exhaustion of having to deal with our constant pestering. I see it now: "Here's your stinkin bread. Now, go away!"
Sounds weird, right? Well, then the connection was made- how often do we ask things of God because we think we are His friend? We ask because we think we're on "good enough" terms with him to deserve it.
I had two different reactions to this.
The first was, whoa. Truth bomb. I am not always God's friend. God is always mine, but I am not always a friend towards God. Our relationship is consistent in only one direction-God towards me. To think that I love God all the time is to lie to myself about the nature of my commitment to God.
The second was this. (And, here comes my inner battle...)
If I ask long enough, will God give me what I want, even if it's bad for me?
Top Secret Parenting Weakness No. 1:
If my kid keeps begging for something, long enough and loud enough, eventually I will cave and give them what they want out of exhaustion. Throw out and forget Parenting Rule No. 1.
If this strong willed, obstinate child wants what's bad for them, let them have it. There's a point where you can't make someone want what is good. They have to want it for themselves.
If they want to quit violin, and they push hard enough, so be it. Let them quit.
They beg to stay up all night, let them. Let them realize for themselves what a terrible idea not sleeping really is.
I guess, what I struggle with is: when I pray do I really want what God has for me (which will always turn out for eternal good). Whatever is good is of God, for it glorifies God. Or, do I pray for what I think will be good (for me) when and where I think I should have it? Am I praying for the here and the now, or the there and then? One way can have eternal results of treasure, the other possible eternal results of perhaps just painful lessons learned.
I don't want to be a spoiled child, resistant to future blessing because of current hardship.
And to be completely and selfishly honest, I don't want to learn more hard lessons than I have to.
I don't want to miss out on more than I have to (because I was too consumed with what I wanted).
I am continuously reminded that I don't know how prayer "works". Because, I keep falling into this trap that God is like a slot machine. If you put in the sacrificial coin, manipulate the machine just right, pull the lever with conviction and faith, then I'll get what I want. But, that's never what God wanted. God's purpose in all of this was never that we should get whatever we wanted. Because from the beginning, we never really wanted God. What God wants is relationship. God wants us to want Him. And it's funny how, that's what we're all searching for.
What is the wisdom that you are,
My One, what do you see for me?
How can I be, when the end seems so far,
less of me, and more of what you see?
It's your token as a lover
to give instead of take
it's your love where I take cover
I live by your namesake
I sing your name, now my love
strength in your fullness make
that feeds my soul for life above
my love for you, now awake
living proof your will prevail
living through drought, through flood
You shower me regardless,
with your evidence of blood
Assurance I have and know
built on grace that makes me free
that gives me purpose for life below
you bless me beyond what I foresee
Sunday, September 9, 2012
What and Where
So, once again, the mood to write strikes when I'm trying to accomplish homework.
Just had a talk yesterday with the parentals about my future, job prospects, loans, and all things financial. A heavy topic for anyone in my opinion. I was in a poor mood to start with, trying to get ready for dinner and that evening's concert, while trying to communicate on a lousy phone. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? The conversation didn't exactly go very smoothly.
But, we had a redo today. A little calmer, a little less stressed, and ready to ask and answer some questions.
I realized I have no idea where I want to do what I want. Yes, I said it weird. Basically, where do I want to live? I don't think I care as long as I can do music, make a living, and have a good community. I say think, because well, I don't think I care where I live. I love where I am, but I think I love it because of the amazing community, I'm playing music, and making a small living. If I could do that anywhere, I would probably love it there too.
I'm scared to come straight out with what I want. Why? Because if I do, that means I have to go all out straight for it. And I don't know if that's possible and pay my bills, feed myself, and have a place to live.
My parents reminded me, maybe I'm not going to have the perfect job right after school. And by not perfect, that could even mean not in my field. Waitress, nanny, whatever. They went on to say I may not be able to live in the place I want to live. That was a blow.
I've looked at people who finish school looking for the perfect job in their chosen career and gone, "They're so spoiled to think they can just get whatever they want immediately after school. People have to work to get what they want. Including jobs and careers." Why had I not, until now, realized I was following the same thought process? I think I thought I was different.
Well, I'm gonna keep spitting out my dreams and maybe I'll get better ideas on how to make them a reality.
I want to play in a band. Like I'm doing at church. But paid. Tour. Make CD's. Worship God. Make music.
With that, I want to be in the studio making music on other musician's cd's too. Be a studio musician.
I would also like to keep myself in the classical music world. I want it all.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone to ask me, invite me into their pre-formed band that's ready to go be famous. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to do all the work for me.
I have not seriously considered starting my own band. But, maybe I need to. If that's the case, I have a lot more work to do than I thought.
The other options mentioned today were
Military gigs (the uniforms and job security are appealing)
Symphony in C, New Jersy
Chicago Civic
New World, Miami (fellowship)
Orchestra Librarian (dislike the work, but it's work)
Suzuki Teacher
Maybe I should move to Nashville. Audition for the symphony (that's how Edgar Meyer started (he was born in tulsa too!)), start a band, join a band, tour in between concerts, happily ever after set go.
No, but seriously. Maybe that's what I need to do. And in order to get there I should get lessons with somebody in the orchestra, play for people, etc. Also, check out teaching opportunities...But before that I should figure out what to play for them. That means more practice. Doesn't it always?
Just had a talk yesterday with the parentals about my future, job prospects, loans, and all things financial. A heavy topic for anyone in my opinion. I was in a poor mood to start with, trying to get ready for dinner and that evening's concert, while trying to communicate on a lousy phone. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? The conversation didn't exactly go very smoothly.
But, we had a redo today. A little calmer, a little less stressed, and ready to ask and answer some questions.
I realized I have no idea where I want to do what I want. Yes, I said it weird. Basically, where do I want to live? I don't think I care as long as I can do music, make a living, and have a good community. I say think, because well, I don't think I care where I live. I love where I am, but I think I love it because of the amazing community, I'm playing music, and making a small living. If I could do that anywhere, I would probably love it there too.
I'm scared to come straight out with what I want. Why? Because if I do, that means I have to go all out straight for it. And I don't know if that's possible and pay my bills, feed myself, and have a place to live.
My parents reminded me, maybe I'm not going to have the perfect job right after school. And by not perfect, that could even mean not in my field. Waitress, nanny, whatever. They went on to say I may not be able to live in the place I want to live. That was a blow.
I've looked at people who finish school looking for the perfect job in their chosen career and gone, "They're so spoiled to think they can just get whatever they want immediately after school. People have to work to get what they want. Including jobs and careers." Why had I not, until now, realized I was following the same thought process? I think I thought I was different.
Well, I'm gonna keep spitting out my dreams and maybe I'll get better ideas on how to make them a reality.
I want to play in a band. Like I'm doing at church. But paid. Tour. Make CD's. Worship God. Make music.
With that, I want to be in the studio making music on other musician's cd's too. Be a studio musician.
I would also like to keep myself in the classical music world. I want it all.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone to ask me, invite me into their pre-formed band that's ready to go be famous. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to do all the work for me.
I have not seriously considered starting my own band. But, maybe I need to. If that's the case, I have a lot more work to do than I thought.
The other options mentioned today were
Military gigs (the uniforms and job security are appealing)
Symphony in C, New Jersy
Chicago Civic
New World, Miami (fellowship)
Orchestra Librarian (dislike the work, but it's work)
Suzuki Teacher
Maybe I should move to Nashville. Audition for the symphony (that's how Edgar Meyer started (he was born in tulsa too!)), start a band, join a band, tour in between concerts, happily ever after set go.
No, but seriously. Maybe that's what I need to do. And in order to get there I should get lessons with somebody in the orchestra, play for people, etc. Also, check out teaching opportunities...But before that I should figure out what to play for them. That means more practice. Doesn't it always?
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Meet and Greet
This morning was one of those mornings. Those mornings where I said I was going to go running with my friend at 7am. But, when my alarm went off, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I secretly wished that she would cancel.
But, she didn't, and in the end I'm glad. We both didn't run much, but we did do our allotted distance of 3 miles. And the conversation was good. As it always is.
The topic at hand was, as artists, we both want to make art that brings honor and glory to God. We have both come to terms with the fact that we love "high" art. But, we dislike the lifestyle that comes with it. And I use the term "high art" loosely. For my side of the conversation, high art is classical music. It's the art that I have gone to school to study and to further my education. But, we have both expressed our desire to serve and to have community with the lower to middle class populace who perhaps don't appreciate high art. You don't have to be super aware of culture to realize the rich and upper class are artists' biggest supporters and benefactors. So, as artists, we seem to be called to a profession where we are isolating ourselves from those who we want to serve. That's a dilemma.
I grew up listening and playing classical music. I study it, listen to it, and perform it. I love it.
However, in High School, I came across rock, bluegrass, country, folk, jazz, and the like. Music by Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Bela Fleck, Nickle Creek, and Allison Krauss- they opened my eyes to a refreshing new world. This whole world of music falls outside the realm of what classical musicians call high art. And, I can honestly say I love that kind of music.
And I realized, sure, maybe the worlds are different. But they both speak to people. They both serve human emotional needs. They're both worthy of being pursued, played, and enjoyed.
So why is it, that when I'm with my classical musicians and I play something reminiscent of bluegrass they curl their lip in disgust and make some snide remark about them only listening and/or playing "real" music.
Feeling like a an unwanted rebellious child I take my love for the alternative to where "it's appropriate" and play and listen to it to my heart's content. But, my heart isn't fully content with this either or business. I want to play both.
Then again, when I bring up a classical music in any of my my non-classical musician friends, I realize I've instantly alienated them. I can see their response, "Isn't that music 200 years old and only rich people listen to it? I don't listen to music that I can't hum the melody."
I feel like a mother with two very different children having to choose between them. I love them both. Why is it that I keep running into people who say and act like I can't love them both?
So, inevitably, not matter who I'm with, I feel the need to defend and justify music. Just saying that sounds wrong. Whatever music people don't play (or listen to), they feel the need to discredit the validity or value. If it's not intimidation, the problem's arrogance. If it isn't deprecation, the problem's idolization.
Maybe I'm getting too defensive. And also, maybe I just haven't figured out how to have the two worlds have a proper meet and greet, and, well, get along.
Consider it on my to do list.
But, she didn't, and in the end I'm glad. We both didn't run much, but we did do our allotted distance of 3 miles. And the conversation was good. As it always is.
The topic at hand was, as artists, we both want to make art that brings honor and glory to God. We have both come to terms with the fact that we love "high" art. But, we dislike the lifestyle that comes with it. And I use the term "high art" loosely. For my side of the conversation, high art is classical music. It's the art that I have gone to school to study and to further my education. But, we have both expressed our desire to serve and to have community with the lower to middle class populace who perhaps don't appreciate high art. You don't have to be super aware of culture to realize the rich and upper class are artists' biggest supporters and benefactors. So, as artists, we seem to be called to a profession where we are isolating ourselves from those who we want to serve. That's a dilemma.
I grew up listening and playing classical music. I study it, listen to it, and perform it. I love it.
However, in High School, I came across rock, bluegrass, country, folk, jazz, and the like. Music by Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Bela Fleck, Nickle Creek, and Allison Krauss- they opened my eyes to a refreshing new world. This whole world of music falls outside the realm of what classical musicians call high art. And, I can honestly say I love that kind of music.
And I realized, sure, maybe the worlds are different. But they both speak to people. They both serve human emotional needs. They're both worthy of being pursued, played, and enjoyed.
So why is it, that when I'm with my classical musicians and I play something reminiscent of bluegrass they curl their lip in disgust and make some snide remark about them only listening and/or playing "real" music.
Feeling like a an unwanted rebellious child I take my love for the alternative to where "it's appropriate" and play and listen to it to my heart's content. But, my heart isn't fully content with this either or business. I want to play both.
Then again, when I bring up a classical music in any of my my non-classical musician friends, I realize I've instantly alienated them. I can see their response, "Isn't that music 200 years old and only rich people listen to it? I don't listen to music that I can't hum the melody."
I feel like a mother with two very different children having to choose between them. I love them both. Why is it that I keep running into people who say and act like I can't love them both?
So, inevitably, not matter who I'm with, I feel the need to defend and justify music. Just saying that sounds wrong. Whatever music people don't play (or listen to), they feel the need to discredit the validity or value. If it's not intimidation, the problem's arrogance. If it isn't deprecation, the problem's idolization.
Maybe I'm getting too defensive. And also, maybe I just haven't figured out how to have the two worlds have a proper meet and greet, and, well, get along.
Consider it on my to do list.
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