So I woke up yesterday, after the 3rd night in my new house, and honestly forgot about my birthday. It wasn't until a while later getting ready for Tennis with Joelle that I was like "Oh, yeah. I'm 25 today." Weird. Scary. Birthdays make me think thoughts of "shouldn't I have things figured out by now?" Of course it's all swallowed up by a conforming feeling that it's just another day.Of course another day closer to the undetermined but looming idea that by "this point" I'll have my dreams "truly figured out" and materialized.
I'll be a grown up-be mature as required by the amount of life experience lived. Because obviously the longer we live on this earth the less we should be able to break out of our self made idea boxes and do just whatever we feel like. Whether that's walk down the street like a loony and oh, I don't know, stop to smell the roses, look at them dissect them (and the bugs), draw them, imagine the world as a flower .
What confuses me most is figuring out my dreams seems to be the hardest part. At what point do I, as a responsible Christian, citizen, daughter, and sister take the dept and expectations I have and start returning them whatever way I can?
If I have a dream- say I do- What if it's completely different than what everyone else (intentional or not) has decided and anticipated on me following. This road, different than the road traveled, is breath taking. Like punching, wind knocking, look over a cliff breath taking. But I can't stop looking in that direction.
God, I'm a people pleaser.
It's really easier to do what man tells you to do. If it goes bad, it's not only not your fault but you have the permanent scape goat that if you had been following your own gut or "thought" about praying you could have done the impossible.
Following God is completely life threatening. There's no holding back, for if you do you lose it all. You follow God or you don't. But, does following God always secure the successful ending? The ending where all's as it should be "happy with everything in its place"? Dream's trophies on the mantle, shining in the glory of a life well lived.
Sadly, no. Or, is it sad?
Here's a thought I heard from a musician speaker at church: There's nothing like living within reach of your dream. Failure is never an option when you're living what you want most. But the idea of that failure never goes away. And it so successfully keeps those who can't stand losing the game they want, to play half heartedly at the games they weren't made for, and don't love.
Theory, jazz improv, composition, all of these things I need to be doing. They make me think, make me learn to employ what I want to do when I want to do it.
In the last few months I've been thinking a lot about suffering. And, I guess that's the deal. Living a life I was made for and it not be appreciated, acknowledged, or whatever is the thing that brings us closest to the feelings of Christ at the cross.
Now, is that what God wants us to feel and experience? At this point I'm adamantly screaming, "That CAN'T be right! Surely that's not what He has planned for me."
But, the world is full of "failures". Is our view of success so warped by sin that we don't know it when we see it? Or is it that mysterious idea that losing at our game, the one we have planned out for ourselves, is really winning. What about "give your best to the Lord"? Of course He wants it. Duh. But to think our best is going to do anything. Anything! Well that seems wrong.
I got another Elizabeth Elliot book: "Let me be a woman" I'm interested and scared by what she has to say. I don't like what she says half the time (while I know that it's good). Then the other half I can barely swallow it, it seems so unnecessarily restricting. I don't know. Her books make me think.
I think about how Jim Elliot died. Did he fulfill his dream? His dream was to follow the Lord. But, within that dream (I think it's safe to say), he wanted people to come to Christ in the jungle. So dying at the very hands of the people he wanted to save- is that not completely failing? Anyone with any wisdom would realize, of course not. Those who got saved did so because he died. He made an impact for Christ because he failed. By failing he won. By Jim failing Christ won that day.
And that's the point where I really do question myself. Is my dream, first, to follow Christ? Am I ready to die for that? At this point I usually retort why couldn't Jim have run away? Would that be a sin? Would that be wrong? But, then knowing how it turned out with him dying, would him living have been as fruitful?
God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Only God is in charge of life and death.
I just don't understand when saving/trying to save our life is ever a good idea. Is it ever? Will it ever lead to as powerful a manifestation of God's glory? I don't have the answers. I'm only 25 and a couple of hours. God you know things, you see things, you do things that I have no concept of. Let me know what you know, let me see what you see, and let me do what you do. If I cannot, give me the strength, faith, and boldness to live that knowing you is enough. That knowing you and following you is enough.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
My 25
So, it's my birthday and here's my obligatory birthday posting. I woke up this morning legitimately forgetting that it was my birthday. Wasn't until later that I realized, "oh yeah, I'm 25 years old today".
Most of my birthday posts revolve around the consistent topic of adulthood, responsibility, the future, and my general confusion as to why I keep expecting myself to know what I'm doing.
But, that's all been said before. It's all the same, changing slightly with each year of course, but generally the same. Instead I thought I would talk about what God gave me this morning.
If you could ask for a gift what would it be? Well, right now I can't think of one much better than an answer to prayer. I realize I'd been asking and praying for a lot of things lately. Look back at your journal sometime, you'll be shocked at all that goes through your mind and heart. I realized earlier this year that there are a few things I want to do and to be known for. Even if it's just between me and God. Some of them might seem unconnected, but here they are: embody the name God gave me- peace, be a prolific letter writer, be a woman of faith, be a woman of prayer, be bold for Christ, commune with God more, love and know my family better, and lead my school friends to the Lord.
God gave me some answers to prayer today that really were some of the best birthday gifts I could have asked for. This past week has been a stressful whirlwind in more ways than I can count. But, on top of it all, the blessings have been pouring out from every direction. It has been such a blessing to breath in the peace that God has had just waiting for me.
Monday night, Hannah's and my town house flooded. Every room, except mine, flooded to some degree. Nothing was permanently damaged except the flooring. Not even my computer which happened to be sitting in the middle of a puddle on the floor when I found it. None the less, being invaded by natural disaster is inconvenient, to say the least, as well as disruptive. Hannah and I were forced to move out after 2 days due to ripped up flooring, wretched smell, and headaches from the mildew. God was good to have a house ready and waiting for me and available to Hannah for her last week in town.
Thursday, I left town for an orchestra gig for the weekend. It was difficult staying in a hotel when I hadn't packed well due to the mess of "real" packing and not being able to find anything. Not to mention, my poor roommates being left with all of my boxes everywhere. There's only one thing I hate more than packing, and that's unpacking.
Today, my birthday, my Grandpa passes away. He was suffering from Alzheimer's, deafness, blindness, skin cancer, diabetes, and who knows what else. I rest in the fact that he is with the Lord today.
The answers to prayer really start back with Christmas. Over Christmas break I prayed and decided I was changing churches. How is that an answer to prayer? Well, I had been wanting to know my parents more and be able to to talk to them about important spiritual things. This provided a wonderful opportunity to do that. I had a lot of questions as far as why we stayed at the churches we did growing up, what my parents liked about certain churches, what they looked for, and even what they believed in. It was very a great way to get to know my parents more. And for that I am so thankful. I think and hope that it has opened doors for further future exploration and discussion.
I look over the past semester and am also reminded of God's assurance and provision in supplying the boldness I need in the situations he wants to use me in. From running and encouraging in the park, street reach downtown, personally praying with and for my neighbors, to talking and sharing my testimony with my friends. It really is about following God in faith in the day to day. God is good. He's been answering my prayer without me even fully realizing it.
I have loved writing letters ever since I can remember. I still get so excited when I get a letter in the mail. But, for whatever reason, whether feeling like it's out of fashion, to feeling like I don't have the time, I haven't written a real letter since High School. This semester alone, I have written countless letters to friends encouraging them with prayer, verses, inspiring quotes, or whatever else I can find. And you know what I've realized? First of all, people love getting letters. In letters you can be as sentimental as a Hallmark card or as inspirational and encouraging as you wish you could be all the time. I write how I wish I could speak and say the things I wish I could say. God's been good about reminding me to stop wishing and to start doing. Even if it's as little as a writing a letter. As long as I start doing, he can use it.
Prayer. I can't wrap my head around it. And, I don't intend to anytime soon. After having some incredible encouraging words from the Lord through trusted friends, I realized God is waiting for me to ask. "Ask and you shall receive". God has things waiting for me, that He's eager to give to me when I ready enough to ask for it. I'll hit the most recent highlights. My roommate applied for a fellowship in NY that is not only an awesome opportunity for experience but centralizes her for prime career and employment advancement following the internship. She didn't get it. But, when I heard about that, I heard God say "Pray for that. I'm going to give that to her." Personally, I was a little confused. "But, God, if you're gonna give that to her, why do I need to pray for it?" Well, God said, in the way that He does to me sometimes, reminding me who's in charge "Just do it." Okay, God, you got it. Sure enough, in 2 weeks she gets an email saying she's been accepted! How awesome is that? I still can't get around God's goodness and how when God says something He follows through.
After all that spiritual goodness I feel like I can't not have a year's hopeful to-do list on my birthday post. So here some things that I want for the upcoming year: learn Spanish, write and learn to public speak better and more confidently (speaking in front of people scares me more than anything I can think of), memorize more of the Bible, and continue pursuing and developing non-traditional musical outlets.
So, yeah. This is what God has been and is doing in my life right now.
Most of my birthday posts revolve around the consistent topic of adulthood, responsibility, the future, and my general confusion as to why I keep expecting myself to know what I'm doing.
But, that's all been said before. It's all the same, changing slightly with each year of course, but generally the same. Instead I thought I would talk about what God gave me this morning.
If you could ask for a gift what would it be? Well, right now I can't think of one much better than an answer to prayer. I realize I'd been asking and praying for a lot of things lately. Look back at your journal sometime, you'll be shocked at all that goes through your mind and heart. I realized earlier this year that there are a few things I want to do and to be known for. Even if it's just between me and God. Some of them might seem unconnected, but here they are: embody the name God gave me- peace, be a prolific letter writer, be a woman of faith, be a woman of prayer, be bold for Christ, commune with God more, love and know my family better, and lead my school friends to the Lord.
God gave me some answers to prayer today that really were some of the best birthday gifts I could have asked for. This past week has been a stressful whirlwind in more ways than I can count. But, on top of it all, the blessings have been pouring out from every direction. It has been such a blessing to breath in the peace that God has had just waiting for me.
Monday night, Hannah's and my town house flooded. Every room, except mine, flooded to some degree. Nothing was permanently damaged except the flooring. Not even my computer which happened to be sitting in the middle of a puddle on the floor when I found it. None the less, being invaded by natural disaster is inconvenient, to say the least, as well as disruptive. Hannah and I were forced to move out after 2 days due to ripped up flooring, wretched smell, and headaches from the mildew. God was good to have a house ready and waiting for me and available to Hannah for her last week in town.
Thursday, I left town for an orchestra gig for the weekend. It was difficult staying in a hotel when I hadn't packed well due to the mess of "real" packing and not being able to find anything. Not to mention, my poor roommates being left with all of my boxes everywhere. There's only one thing I hate more than packing, and that's unpacking.
Today, my birthday, my Grandpa passes away. He was suffering from Alzheimer's, deafness, blindness, skin cancer, diabetes, and who knows what else. I rest in the fact that he is with the Lord today.
The answers to prayer really start back with Christmas. Over Christmas break I prayed and decided I was changing churches. How is that an answer to prayer? Well, I had been wanting to know my parents more and be able to to talk to them about important spiritual things. This provided a wonderful opportunity to do that. I had a lot of questions as far as why we stayed at the churches we did growing up, what my parents liked about certain churches, what they looked for, and even what they believed in. It was very a great way to get to know my parents more. And for that I am so thankful. I think and hope that it has opened doors for further future exploration and discussion.
I look over the past semester and am also reminded of God's assurance and provision in supplying the boldness I need in the situations he wants to use me in. From running and encouraging in the park, street reach downtown, personally praying with and for my neighbors, to talking and sharing my testimony with my friends. It really is about following God in faith in the day to day. God is good. He's been answering my prayer without me even fully realizing it.
I have loved writing letters ever since I can remember. I still get so excited when I get a letter in the mail. But, for whatever reason, whether feeling like it's out of fashion, to feeling like I don't have the time, I haven't written a real letter since High School. This semester alone, I have written countless letters to friends encouraging them with prayer, verses, inspiring quotes, or whatever else I can find. And you know what I've realized? First of all, people love getting letters. In letters you can be as sentimental as a Hallmark card or as inspirational and encouraging as you wish you could be all the time. I write how I wish I could speak and say the things I wish I could say. God's been good about reminding me to stop wishing and to start doing. Even if it's as little as a writing a letter. As long as I start doing, he can use it.
Prayer. I can't wrap my head around it. And, I don't intend to anytime soon. After having some incredible encouraging words from the Lord through trusted friends, I realized God is waiting for me to ask. "Ask and you shall receive". God has things waiting for me, that He's eager to give to me when I ready enough to ask for it. I'll hit the most recent highlights. My roommate applied for a fellowship in NY that is not only an awesome opportunity for experience but centralizes her for prime career and employment advancement following the internship. She didn't get it. But, when I heard about that, I heard God say "Pray for that. I'm going to give that to her." Personally, I was a little confused. "But, God, if you're gonna give that to her, why do I need to pray for it?" Well, God said, in the way that He does to me sometimes, reminding me who's in charge "Just do it." Okay, God, you got it. Sure enough, in 2 weeks she gets an email saying she's been accepted! How awesome is that? I still can't get around God's goodness and how when God says something He follows through.
After all that spiritual goodness I feel like I can't not have a year's hopeful to-do list on my birthday post. So here some things that I want for the upcoming year: learn Spanish, write and learn to public speak better and more confidently (speaking in front of people scares me more than anything I can think of), memorize more of the Bible, and continue pursuing and developing non-traditional musical outlets.
So, yeah. This is what God has been and is doing in my life right now.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Requiems and Worship
Well, first of all, this post certainly got me thinking. My initial response to Corinna da Fonseca-Wollheim was, I bet you she's not a musician. But, before I go much further, here's the link to the article I'll be more or less referencing. No guarantees that what she writes about is all that I write about.
Talk about a conversation starter, right? I mean what to address first, there are so many options. Before we get to the "Closer to God" bit, let's just have a moment to discuss classical music genius.
First, I believe that Mozart and Bach are the revered composers they are today because of their ability to support and integrate the meaning of the text within their music. When I perform these sacred works, I may not understand the direct translation of what the vocalists are singing, but through the music I instinctively know what is being communicated. If all the power were merely in the text, Bach and Mozart would not have done their job. These works are masterpieces because of the power of both the music and the text. If it was just one or the other, I know they would not be revered such as they are. But, let's get one thing straight. When I perform a work like Mozart's Requiem, I make it a point to read the text. Yes, by listening to the music, I could roughly determine what the composer chose to communicate through text. But, they're master works because of the integration (not the isolation) of text and music. I agree with Corinna that failing to study both, would only be a disservice to the audience (or congregation) as well as the composer. However, I think it's excessive to be asking the musicians to have both the text and the music memorized for the performance.
Let's move on to the title: Can Classical Music Bring You Closer to God? I'll admit, my most cherished memories of worship to God have in fact been playing such pieces as Faure's and Mozart's Requiem, and ever Mahler's Symphony No. 2 "The Resurrection". Some of them have been for paying audiences, others for church congregations. They have all been opportunities for me to worship, or (as Corinna puts it) moments to be brought closer to God. I'll repeat that for good measure. I can and do worship God regardless of the audience, the building, or the music. That might ruffle some feathers. If you've ever been to church, you'll have heard church "worship music". From church to church it can sound vastly different. For certain, whatever church you go to it will sound different than your classical music requiem as performed by your local orchestra. My personal feeling on the matter is this: God can be and is worshiped with music (Yes, God can be worshiped other ways, but let's not open pandora's box). Stop trying to put labels on what type of music God likes. Music is Music.
I'll end this by saying, what an example for believing artists today that the forefathers of our faith and music took such detail to give God their best.
Talk about a conversation starter, right? I mean what to address first, there are so many options. Before we get to the "Closer to God" bit, let's just have a moment to discuss classical music genius.
First, I believe that Mozart and Bach are the revered composers they are today because of their ability to support and integrate the meaning of the text within their music. When I perform these sacred works, I may not understand the direct translation of what the vocalists are singing, but through the music I instinctively know what is being communicated. If all the power were merely in the text, Bach and Mozart would not have done their job. These works are masterpieces because of the power of both the music and the text. If it was just one or the other, I know they would not be revered such as they are. But, let's get one thing straight. When I perform a work like Mozart's Requiem, I make it a point to read the text. Yes, by listening to the music, I could roughly determine what the composer chose to communicate through text. But, they're master works because of the integration (not the isolation) of text and music. I agree with Corinna that failing to study both, would only be a disservice to the audience (or congregation) as well as the composer. However, I think it's excessive to be asking the musicians to have both the text and the music memorized for the performance.
Let's move on to the title: Can Classical Music Bring You Closer to God? I'll admit, my most cherished memories of worship to God have in fact been playing such pieces as Faure's and Mozart's Requiem, and ever Mahler's Symphony No. 2 "The Resurrection". Some of them have been for paying audiences, others for church congregations. They have all been opportunities for me to worship, or (as Corinna puts it) moments to be brought closer to God. I'll repeat that for good measure. I can and do worship God regardless of the audience, the building, or the music. That might ruffle some feathers. If you've ever been to church, you'll have heard church "worship music". From church to church it can sound vastly different. For certain, whatever church you go to it will sound different than your classical music requiem as performed by your local orchestra. My personal feeling on the matter is this: God can be and is worshiped with music (Yes, God can be worshiped other ways, but let's not open pandora's box). Stop trying to put labels on what type of music God likes. Music is Music.
I'll end this by saying, what an example for believing artists today that the forefathers of our faith and music took such detail to give God their best.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Love God for Who He Is
Man has tried to understand the reason for pain and suffering since the beginning of time. It's a topic that I know many people struggle with. I don't claim that this quote encompasses it all, but I think it has some good points. What I do know, and hope you know as well, is that God is good. God is good all the time.
"No answer seems to completely satisfy when it comes to why God allows pain. Since the dawn of history, mankind has wrestled with this question, only to come up with answers that scarcely fill the soul’s void. While God grows our faith through pain, it is not His foremost reason for allowing us to hurt. Paradoxically, love is the greater reason, and God will allow His creation to go through anything in the name of love. Anything at all. For God, love is a higher priority than comfort, enjoyment, and even happiness. Pain was not part of God’s original design. Love, on the other hand, was, and God knew that in order for love to exist, free will would also have to exist. In a world where He gave humans the choice to love or hate, He knew some would choose the latter and pain would inevitably be the price. But, God apparently thought that this was preferable to taking away His creation’s humanity, even though He knew rape, murder, disease, and tragedy would plague our world. Yet pain breaks God’s heart, and so God has taken man’s misuse and abuse of free will and redeemed it. God isn’t about righting all the wrongs on Earth. But, He is big on taking the wrongs and making something beautiful of them. And so He constantly offers opportunities for His children to exercise that free will in love towards one another, so that some of what has been broken can be remade. Pain offers opportunity for growth in love.
Also, pain is a unique opportunity for humanity to choose whether it will love God for who He is, rather than for the gifts that He bestows upon His creation. Granted, God loves to give to His children. But in a life void of suffering, there would also be little need to love God for any reason beyond his role as Santa Claus. God wants to be loved for who He is -- for His mercy, grace, kindness, compassion, and other attributes -- and not because He makes life easy for us.
Finally, God allows pain to remind us that our home is not in this world, that our real life begins in the afterlife, in Heaven. He wishes for us to long for that place. And pain has a way of keeping our hope there, rather than on Earth. This is a good thing, for Heaven promises more wonderful, beautiful things than those which are found here. Earth is for deciding whether we will love one another as well as our Creator; Heaven is where our experience of life will find its fruition." -Connie Strasheim
"No answer seems to completely satisfy when it comes to why God allows pain. Since the dawn of history, mankind has wrestled with this question, only to come up with answers that scarcely fill the soul’s void. While God grows our faith through pain, it is not His foremost reason for allowing us to hurt. Paradoxically, love is the greater reason, and God will allow His creation to go through anything in the name of love. Anything at all. For God, love is a higher priority than comfort, enjoyment, and even happiness. Pain was not part of God’s original design. Love, on the other hand, was, and God knew that in order for love to exist, free will would also have to exist. In a world where He gave humans the choice to love or hate, He knew some would choose the latter and pain would inevitably be the price. But, God apparently thought that this was preferable to taking away His creation’s humanity, even though He knew rape, murder, disease, and tragedy would plague our world. Yet pain breaks God’s heart, and so God has taken man’s misuse and abuse of free will and redeemed it. God isn’t about righting all the wrongs on Earth. But, He is big on taking the wrongs and making something beautiful of them. And so He constantly offers opportunities for His children to exercise that free will in love towards one another, so that some of what has been broken can be remade. Pain offers opportunity for growth in love.
Also, pain is a unique opportunity for humanity to choose whether it will love God for who He is, rather than for the gifts that He bestows upon His creation. Granted, God loves to give to His children. But in a life void of suffering, there would also be little need to love God for any reason beyond his role as Santa Claus. God wants to be loved for who He is -- for His mercy, grace, kindness, compassion, and other attributes -- and not because He makes life easy for us.
Finally, God allows pain to remind us that our home is not in this world, that our real life begins in the afterlife, in Heaven. He wishes for us to long for that place. And pain has a way of keeping our hope there, rather than on Earth. This is a good thing, for Heaven promises more wonderful, beautiful things than those which are found here. Earth is for deciding whether we will love one another as well as our Creator; Heaven is where our experience of life will find its fruition." -Connie Strasheim
Monday, February 6, 2012
Grad School
Okay, I needed a moment away from my unsuccessful attempts to complete my homework to vent and process. I have a time limit however as my homework happens to be due in 2 hours. I'm in grad school at the moment and I'm having a hard time reminding myself why I'm here. A lot of things have changed in the past few months many of which include my goals and dreams. Consequently, I'm questioning whether what I'm doing is really all that helpful to what I now want.
What I once wanted to be, a full time symphony musician, has been put on the back burner to say the least. It's not completely out of the picture, but it's not so important anymore. And as a result, the reason I'm in school seems to have lost a lot of its importance.
I'm currently having to turn down work because of schedule conflicts at school. I suppose you could say that's a good thing, but it's definitely discouraging. I'm in school to become a better musician. Among multiple other reasons, by becoming a better musician, I'll ideally have better chances of being employed. If I'm getting asked to do this much work while in school, I can't wait for when I don't have previous engagements. However, when you're racking up debt, it's hard to see the glass as full as it is when jobs come knocking.
But, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I've recently had the revelation that maybe I don't want to be a full time orchestra musician (like I once thought). And, by being forced to turn down these gigs, perhaps I'm leaving my time open for things in which I would much rather find my employment (studio work?). Who knows. What I do know is this: The only reason I am in grad school this year is because of God's provision. God obviously wants me in school (at least for this year). 2 days before school started, the school finds money for me to come- 2 DAYS!!!! I get the call on my way to NC with the intention of finding a job.
A wise and pithy saying that I just made up comes to mind: "When you're in grad school, be in grad school. When you're out of school, be working." As my mother reminds me, I'm never going to have time like this in my life again. Ever. Better make the best of it while I can. Yes, I'm racking up thousands of dollars in debt, but in exchange I'm buying myself time. So, what am I doing with my time? Am I doing things to enrich my life, other's lives, and further my education? Yeah, I think I am. Will God provide for the "real world", just like he did for school? Yes, I know He will. So, I might be frustrated with school and it keeping me from being a full time working musician. But, school is also allowing me time to explore new facets of being a musician I've never seriously considered. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad now. God has a plan, and it's bigger than I can imagine.
What I once wanted to be, a full time symphony musician, has been put on the back burner to say the least. It's not completely out of the picture, but it's not so important anymore. And as a result, the reason I'm in school seems to have lost a lot of its importance.
I'm currently having to turn down work because of schedule conflicts at school. I suppose you could say that's a good thing, but it's definitely discouraging. I'm in school to become a better musician. Among multiple other reasons, by becoming a better musician, I'll ideally have better chances of being employed. If I'm getting asked to do this much work while in school, I can't wait for when I don't have previous engagements. However, when you're racking up debt, it's hard to see the glass as full as it is when jobs come knocking.
But, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I've recently had the revelation that maybe I don't want to be a full time orchestra musician (like I once thought). And, by being forced to turn down these gigs, perhaps I'm leaving my time open for things in which I would much rather find my employment (studio work?). Who knows. What I do know is this: The only reason I am in grad school this year is because of God's provision. God obviously wants me in school (at least for this year). 2 days before school started, the school finds money for me to come- 2 DAYS!!!! I get the call on my way to NC with the intention of finding a job.
A wise and pithy saying that I just made up comes to mind: "When you're in grad school, be in grad school. When you're out of school, be working." As my mother reminds me, I'm never going to have time like this in my life again. Ever. Better make the best of it while I can. Yes, I'm racking up thousands of dollars in debt, but in exchange I'm buying myself time. So, what am I doing with my time? Am I doing things to enrich my life, other's lives, and further my education? Yeah, I think I am. Will God provide for the "real world", just like he did for school? Yes, I know He will. So, I might be frustrated with school and it keeping me from being a full time working musician. But, school is also allowing me time to explore new facets of being a musician I've never seriously considered. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad now. God has a plan, and it's bigger than I can imagine.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Be Ready For What You Ask For
So I feel like telling a story today. A true story that happened about a week ago.
It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.
I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.
Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"
Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."
I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.
I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.
I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."
At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "
I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."
Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).
The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.
I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.
After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.
What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.
After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.
It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.
I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.
Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"
Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."
I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.
I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.
I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."
At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "
I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."
Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).
The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.
I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.
After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.
What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.
After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Don't mind me, I'm just visiting
This past week as been such a blessing. There have been so many things, there's no way I could talk about them all. I'm really excited about what God's done, and what he's going to do.
I've been thinking about changing churches for a few months. After praying about it, I felt like God wanted me to stay at my old church until the end of the year. Partly because there were some commitments I needed to fulfill and also the end of the year made itself an opportune time to make the transition.
This past week, I went to Sunday service for the first time at my "new" church. Now, I've visited churches before and it is always inevitably awkward. But, to be honest, this time it was wasn't so bad. The typical scenario includes you timing your entrance perfectly: not too early, so you don't wait around awkwardly; but not to late either, so you're not that disruptive person that everyone turns around and stares at. You walk in (4 minutes till service to be precise) and you don't know anyone. After you hastily take the usher's bulletin, you look around looking for an empty seat desperately trying not to look like a "visitor". Sitting down you crane you neck looking around searching for any familiar faces. My favorites are the time you realize that you're sitting in someone else's "area". Like that time when you look up and realizing you're surrounded by multiple children climbing over you and make the connection that this is where their family sits every week (unbeknownst to you). "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your name on the bench. My bad." Then ensues that sheepish shuffle across the pews to make room for everyone.
Oh, and I almost forgot about the best awkward thing--church worship. You know when the band starts the music and you realize you've never heard the song they're about to sing? You can't sing the melody, in fact you can't seem to even say the words at the right time. So, you wind up standing there in service, mouthing watermelon to yourself. Or worse yet, you're silent with a blank look on your face, certain that you look like an obstinate cold hearted heathen. When really, you would love to sing along, you just have no idea how the song goes...
Well, this didn't really happen this time. Since I've been going to Lifegroup during the week, I've had the opportunity to get to know some people. While still pretty early in the friendship phase, it's far enough along to ask to sit next to them. Plus, when it came to worship, I was familiar with about half the songs because I'd heard them before at Lifegroup. That other half that I didn't know the melody? Well, I got up and danced to those. It was pretty awesome.
While my experience was certainly an unusual way to get to know a church before... going to church, I like it. I've also been listening to the online sermon podcasts for a number of months. So, it feels like I've been going for a while. Whatever the case, I'm really excited. I can't wait for the upcoming weeks. :)
As a side note, I think I've been reading too much Jon Acuff lately. I feel like oddly resembles a Stuff Christians Like post...
I've been thinking about changing churches for a few months. After praying about it, I felt like God wanted me to stay at my old church until the end of the year. Partly because there were some commitments I needed to fulfill and also the end of the year made itself an opportune time to make the transition.
This past week, I went to Sunday service for the first time at my "new" church. Now, I've visited churches before and it is always inevitably awkward. But, to be honest, this time it was wasn't so bad. The typical scenario includes you timing your entrance perfectly: not too early, so you don't wait around awkwardly; but not to late either, so you're not that disruptive person that everyone turns around and stares at. You walk in (4 minutes till service to be precise) and you don't know anyone. After you hastily take the usher's bulletin, you look around looking for an empty seat desperately trying not to look like a "visitor". Sitting down you crane you neck looking around searching for any familiar faces. My favorites are the time you realize that you're sitting in someone else's "area". Like that time when you look up and realizing you're surrounded by multiple children climbing over you and make the connection that this is where their family sits every week (unbeknownst to you). "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your name on the bench. My bad." Then ensues that sheepish shuffle across the pews to make room for everyone.
Oh, and I almost forgot about the best awkward thing--church worship. You know when the band starts the music and you realize you've never heard the song they're about to sing? You can't sing the melody, in fact you can't seem to even say the words at the right time. So, you wind up standing there in service, mouthing watermelon to yourself. Or worse yet, you're silent with a blank look on your face, certain that you look like an obstinate cold hearted heathen. When really, you would love to sing along, you just have no idea how the song goes...
Well, this didn't really happen this time. Since I've been going to Lifegroup during the week, I've had the opportunity to get to know some people. While still pretty early in the friendship phase, it's far enough along to ask to sit next to them. Plus, when it came to worship, I was familiar with about half the songs because I'd heard them before at Lifegroup. That other half that I didn't know the melody? Well, I got up and danced to those. It was pretty awesome.
While my experience was certainly an unusual way to get to know a church before... going to church, I like it. I've also been listening to the online sermon podcasts for a number of months. So, it feels like I've been going for a while. Whatever the case, I'm really excited. I can't wait for the upcoming weeks. :)
As a side note, I think I've been reading too much Jon Acuff lately. I feel like oddly resembles a Stuff Christians Like post...
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