Grad School

Okay, I needed a moment away from my unsuccessful attempts to complete my homework to vent and process. I have a time limit however as my homework happens to be due in 2 hours. I'm in grad school at the moment and I'm having a hard time reminding myself why I'm here. A lot of things have changed in the past few months many of which include my goals and dreams. Consequently, I'm questioning whether what I'm doing is really all that helpful to what I now want.

What I once wanted to be, a full time symphony musician, has been put on the back burner to say the least. It's not completely out of the picture, but it's not so important anymore. And as a result, the reason I'm in school seems to have lost a lot of its importance.
I'm currently having to turn down work because of schedule conflicts at school. I suppose you could say that's a good thing, but it's definitely discouraging. I'm in school to become a better musician. Among multiple other reasons, by becoming a better musician, I'll ideally have better chances of being employed. If I'm getting asked to do this much work while in school, I can't wait for when I don't have previous engagements. However, when you're racking up debt, it's hard to see the glass as full as it is when jobs come knocking.

But, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I've recently had the revelation that maybe I don't want to be a full time orchestra musician (like I once thought). And, by being forced to turn down these gigs, perhaps I'm leaving my time open for things in which I would much rather find my employment (studio work?). Who knows. What I do know is this: The only reason I am in grad school this year is because of God's provision. God obviously wants me in school (at least for this year). 2 days before school started, the school finds money for me to come- 2 DAYS!!!! I get the call on my way to NC with the intention of finding a job.

A wise and pithy saying that I just made up comes to mind: "When you're in grad school, be in grad school. When you're out of school, be working." As my mother reminds me, I'm never going to have time like this in my life again. Ever. Better make the best of it while I can. Yes, I'm racking up thousands of dollars in debt, but in exchange I'm buying myself time. So, what am I doing with my time? Am I doing things to enrich my life, other's lives, and further my education? Yeah, I think I am. Will God provide for the "real world", just like he did for school? Yes, I know He will. So, I might be frustrated with school and it keeping me from being a full time working musician. But, school is also allowing me time to explore new facets of being a musician I've never seriously considered. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad now. God has a plan, and it's bigger than I can imagine.

Be Ready For What You Ask For

So I feel like telling a story today. A true story that happened about a week ago.

It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.

I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.

Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"

Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."

I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.

I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.

I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."

Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."

At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "

I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."

Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).

The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.

I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.

After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.

What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.

After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.

Don't mind me, I'm just visiting

This past week as been such a blessing. There have been so many things, there's no way I could talk about them all. I'm really excited about what God's done, and what he's going to do.

I've been thinking about changing churches for a few months. After praying about it, I felt like God wanted me to stay at my old church until the end of the year. Partly because there were some commitments I needed to fulfill and also the end of the year made itself an opportune time to make the transition.

This past week, I went to Sunday service for the first time at my "new" church. Now, I've visited churches before and it is always inevitably awkward. But, to be honest, this time it was wasn't so bad. The typical scenario includes you timing your entrance perfectly: not too early, so you don't wait around awkwardly; but not to late either, so you're not that disruptive person that everyone turns around and stares at. You walk in (4 minutes till service to be precise) and you don't know anyone. After you hastily take the usher's bulletin, you look around looking for an empty seat desperately trying not to look like a "visitor". Sitting down you crane you neck looking around searching for any familiar faces. My favorites are the time you realize that you're sitting in someone else's "area". Like that time when you look up and realizing you're surrounded by multiple children climbing over you and make the connection that this is where their family sits every week (unbeknownst to you). "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your name on the bench. My bad." Then ensues that sheepish shuffle across the pews to make room for everyone.

Oh, and I almost forgot about the best awkward thing--church worship. You know when the band starts the music and you realize you've never heard the song they're about to sing? You can't sing the melody, in fact you can't seem to even say the words at the right time. So, you wind up standing there in service, mouthing watermelon to yourself. Or worse yet, you're silent with a blank look on your face, certain that you look like an obstinate cold hearted heathen. When really, you would love to sing along, you just have no idea how the song goes...

Well, this didn't really happen this time. Since I've been going to Lifegroup during the week, I've had the opportunity to get to know some people. While still pretty early in the friendship phase, it's far enough along to ask to sit next to them. Plus, when it came to worship, I was familiar with about half the songs because I'd heard them before at Lifegroup. That other half that I didn't know the melody? Well, I got up and danced to those. It was pretty awesome.

While my experience was certainly an unusual way to get to know a church before... going to church, I like it. I've also been listening to the online sermon podcasts for a number of months. So, it feels like I've been going for a while. Whatever the case, I'm really excited. I can't wait for the upcoming weeks. :)

As a side note, I think I've been reading too much Jon Acuff lately. I feel like oddly resembles a Stuff Christians Like post...

What Am I Trying to Say?

That's a good question. I'm doing, well I should say WAS doing, homework for my final project for Career Portfolio Class. Over the semester I've written all the material I'll need for the project. I'm just going back and polishing them to make them actually presentable and usable material.

However, I'm taken aback at the elusive topic "Why do I do music?" and the difficulty of trying to present an accurate artistic statement. I could in reality write half a dozen artistic statements and each one be completely different than the one before. In fact I have, and they are all completely different. While that might not be bad, it's not exactly helpful. So, I'm in the process of digging deeper. What are the bare bones- the constants? What keeps me coming back to what I do, even when I don't feel like it?

I'll be honest. I've realized I've not been completely comfortable with combining my spiritual statements with my music statements. It is from a fear that I will be written off, won't be taken seriously/professionally, or that it would create unnecessary prejudice. But, as I'm growing in my walk, I've realized how much I want to be known for belonging to Christ first before anything else. And, that goes for music too. I want whatever I do to be to the glory of God. I want whatever I do to mirror the love God has for me.

So, there's my constant. The best constant of them all: Jesus.
Lord knows I want to live a gospel centered life. I want my artistic statement to be gospel centered. I've realized that I don't always live out what I have written in my artistic statement. But, I want to. Now comes the challenge. Putting this all together (in less than 1 page) in a coherent effective way, that describes who I am by what I believe in. Trust me, it's harder than you'd expect. I haven't been satisfied with what I've done yet. But, I got a couple more days. Wish me luck.

Grace is all you need

So, the most current life choice dilemma is underway.
Do I go back to school in the fall? Or take a year off? Or do I do the recently brought up option of scouring the countryside for a graduate position?

I'm scared, and while I'm trying not to be, it still has it's overwhelming ability to immobilize me and make me feel helpless. It causes me to question what is really in my power and what does God have planned for me. There are two distinct sides battling in my head, and I don't know which side to believe.

There's the side, seeming to embody my romantic tendencies, that says everything will be alright. God is in control, God loves me, and he wants the best for me. If God is in control, where do I come in though? What is my responsibility? I could (and often do) easily fall into the mentality of what is my responsibility with decision making with MY life. And then, I'm convicted that it's not my life anymore. With that voice comes a tendency to avoid the issue of whether that means I will get everything MY heart wants and desires. Does that mean I will live a happy life? A happy life by MY standards?

Then comes trumpeting my rational conscience. The one that says: God gives you talents, but you're the one that has to develop them. God isn't just going to give me everything on a silver platter. He intends me to work the fields if I am to receive the "fruit of my labor". This voice causes me to slow down, to question my wisdom, my choices, and the consequences of my actions. It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is my check and balance. A curse because of the inevitable inner turmoil it seemingly always plagues me with.

The real questions-- Do I need to worry? No, God clearly doesn't want me worrying about tomorrow. Does God want me to, and can I, rely on Him? Yes. He feeds the birds of the air; am I not worth more to Him? Is my life going to be perfect? No, I'm sinful and live in a sinful world. Will God give me a perfect life? No. God is most glorified when we seek God to fulfill our imperfections.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast of my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me...When I am weak, then I am strong."
But, at the same time, can I fully embrace this, can I run to this destiny? Can I want this? Will I be filled with joy? Can I be happy? Yes. The power of Grace is all I need. And that is what I need to live and believe.

What does living like grace is all you need look like? Admitting your weakness, that God may get the glory. I worry, I stress, and money has a hold on me that is fearful.

I don't have all the answers. I know this, and I don't know this. I think this but I don't live this. I need to find my answers not on my own. I need to be reading, and I'm not. I need to be asking, and I'm not. I need prayer and to pray.

I don't know if I'm actually getting anywhere, or answering my questions, but at the same time I'm still feeling better about them. Maybe more later.

21 Minutes

It's not raining, but misting,
and I hear the dropping of accumulated condensation outside my window.
There are car door slams out in the parking lot.
The beeping of cars as they are locked.
Passengers and drivers talking as they leave their cars for the apartments.
A seemingly endless concession of car honks-- of passing cars with revving engines.
I hadn't realized how often this happens, or the fact that it annoys me so much.
I hear my room mates are talking in their room--agitatedly.
I can't tell if they are angry or happy.
Just thinking that they might be angry puts me on edge.
I hear the occupants on the floor above me. I thought I heard crying-- again.
I don't like it. It makes me sad.
Then there is silence.
Not really, I just have to pay more attention.
If I listen hard enough,
I can hear the air system in the apartment and my computer quietly humming.
The sounds of the highway are never far off. It almost sounds like the wind coming in waves.
The sounds of surrounding apartments come back but they are so distorted. I could swear I heard a dog barking, but I can't be sure. Pets aren't allowed.
Someone must be having a good time, I hear whoops and hollers from somewhere in the complex. It's only Wednesday. I am envious of their seemingly enjoyment filled evening. The footsteps above are getting heavier making the ceiling and adjacent walls creek.
Beethoven 9 is going through my head.
It's almost hard to hear what's actually going on around me.
A final car door slams, with footsteps following the sidewalk,
and my time is up.

Establish my steps

Proverbs 16:9~ "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

How does this apply to me right now? Well, first of all I had coffee this afternoon and I can't sleep. Second, I've been reading verses and cross referencing them with similar verses. It's wonderful to be able to follow the enthusiasm for reading the word when it comes. It's moments like these that I wish I did this more often.

My future: how do my decisions- from past decisions to day to day choices come into play?

I cannot deny the quiet but present call to minister. It was a wonderful process over a few days being spiritually guided by my reading in My Utmost For His Highest. From God asking me if I loved Him, To my realization that I was not able to love the way God wants me to. Then God reminding me that Jesus died that I may love God the way I was intended. Praying the Christ would help me love God the way God wanted me to and God telling me to feed His sheep.

My current summer plans seem the first in question. First from a selfish reason, I didn't want to go to a festival. Then, not wanting to lose an opportunity, I decided I wanted to go. But, now, I feel God doesn't have this in mind for me, at least this year.

Then, my biggest fear. Does that mean I have to leave behind the years of work in music? Does God want to use me in a way without music? Now, I'm tired. I'm starting to get a little whoozy and dizzy. My brain, body, and emotions have been in turmoil all week. I want to do what God wants me to do. But, does that mean leaving behind what God has given me including talents, work, and investments?

I think that begs the question of what have I been using these talents, work, and investments for? I keep running into this idea that doing things "for" Christ isn't enough. Doing things "with" Christ is what He wants. I don't even know if I really understand the difference.

Thinking that music is the only way that God will and can use me is wrong. I know this, but maybe I'm not living this the way I should be. Maybe God is trying to get me out my self made box I've put myself that's confining the ways in which I'm letting God use me.

There's a lot where I'm not sure what to do, or what to think.
Here's what I am sure: God's commandment "Do you love Me?...Feed my sheep."
God's given me gifts to use and to minister. God has a plan for my life.
I'm just afraid they may not be the same as what I think they are.