So, the most current life choice dilemma is underway.
Do I go back to school in the fall? Or take a year off? Or do I do the recently brought up option of scouring the countryside for a graduate position?
I'm scared, and while I'm trying not to be, it still has it's overwhelming ability to immobilize me and make me feel helpless. It causes me to question what is really in my power and what does God have planned for me. There are two distinct sides battling in my head, and I don't know which side to believe.
There's the side, seeming to embody my romantic tendencies, that says everything will be alright. God is in control, God loves me, and he wants the best for me. If God is in control, where do I come in though? What is my responsibility? I could (and often do) easily fall into the mentality of what is my responsibility with decision making with MY life. And then, I'm convicted that it's not my life anymore. With that voice comes a tendency to avoid the issue of whether that means I will get everything MY heart wants and desires. Does that mean I will live a happy life? A happy life by MY standards?
Then comes trumpeting my rational conscience. The one that says: God gives you talents, but you're the one that has to develop them. God isn't just going to give me everything on a silver platter. He intends me to work the fields if I am to receive the "fruit of my labor". This voice causes me to slow down, to question my wisdom, my choices, and the consequences of my actions. It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is my check and balance. A curse because of the inevitable inner turmoil it seemingly always plagues me with.
The real questions-- Do I need to worry? No, God clearly doesn't want me worrying about tomorrow. Does God want me to, and can I, rely on Him? Yes. He feeds the birds of the air; am I not worth more to Him? Is my life going to be perfect? No, I'm sinful and live in a sinful world. Will God give me a perfect life? No. God is most glorified when we seek God to fulfill our imperfections.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast of my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me...When I am weak, then I am strong."
But, at the same time, can I fully embrace this, can I run to this destiny? Can I want this? Will I be filled with joy? Can I be happy? Yes. The power of Grace is all I need. And that is what I need to live and believe.
What does living like grace is all you need look like? Admitting your weakness, that God may get the glory. I worry, I stress, and money has a hold on me that is fearful.
I don't have all the answers. I know this, and I don't know this. I think this but I don't live this. I need to find my answers not on my own. I need to be reading, and I'm not. I need to be asking, and I'm not. I need prayer and to pray.
I don't know if I'm actually getting anywhere, or answering my questions, but at the same time I'm still feeling better about them. Maybe more later.
