Readjust Your Focus

"Some days to keep you going, you have to ask yourself "Do I really want this?" If it's no, sometimes you have to look further down the road and ask, "But, do I want that?" 


At this very moment, I don't want to do my taxes. 
But, instead I choose to look forward to my refund check.

I don't want to study, practice, or do anything that even remotely sounds stressful. 
Instead I'm looking towards graduation and a summer break in 6 weeks.

There were numerous times I didn't want to practice this year when I had auditions coming up. But, I asked myself "Do I really want that position/job/fellowship?" With some of them I realized, no, I don't actually want that. Figuring that out was helpful so I didn't waste my time on projects I didn't really care about. But, there were other things that I realized, yes, I do in fact want them. 

I realize that I am a short sighted, whiny, hopeful to the point of entitled, person who wants what they want when they want it. I'm a "victim" of the times, my generation, being an American, and just being a sinner. At the first sign of struggle, difficulty makes me want to raise my hands in the air and go "can't do it". 

That's why I have to constantly readjust my focus. I have to look beyond what is going on right now, write/vent my whininess out in my journals and move on, and even ask myself why I really want something. 

Don't Forget

I just got a letter in the mail today. It was from me. 9 months ago, my Suzuki teacher trainer had us write a plan with goals for the next year. He also had us write a letter to ourselves encouraging us about things that we were learning at the institute, that we might need to be reminded of later. Our teacher held on to the letters to send them to us later.

I didn't think I could be so encouraged by reading an old "to do" list. Most of the time, I don't feel like I ever accomplish what I set out to do, and writing it down just makes me feel worse about myself.
This time, it wasn't that way. Most of the things on the list I've actually done, or am in the middle of doing. Regarding the things I haven't done I'm either: okay with not actually doing because plans changed or they're very much in reach of being accomplished.

The point of this is not to look at a piece of paper and go, "Oh, well I have (or haven't) made good use of my time based on whether I set out to do what I said I would do." But, it is a reminder of the fact that we can live our lives with purpose and creativity. If we start living with purpose, just maybe we can start changing ourselves (and maybe other people's lives too) for the better. And if we live creatively, maybe we will have more reason and inspiration to keep doing what we love to do.

~Music Goals
-Be ready to graduate in May (check!!)
-Have post-graduate option plans submitted/auditioned
    Lincoln Center Fellowship (no...)
    New World, Symphony in C, Civic (New World Sub Audition in April!)
    Contact Teacher to Suzuki Shadow (no time or readily available local resources)
    Orchestra Auditions (Memphis, yes; Charlotte and Raleigh, Audition in May/June)

~Teaching Goals
-Stay Creative and Flexible (daily choice)
-Find another institute for violin teacher training bk. 2 (not yet, waiting to hear back from other things first; possible choice Stevens Point)
-Expand/Maintain teaching to 5 students (Total of 9: 1 UNCSA, 6 Separk, 2 Private)

~Personal Development (Read)
-Nurtured by Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)
-I Prefer to Learn with Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)

~Personal Health
-Make time for moments of joy in music regularly (yes: church worship, band, improv)
-Play for at least one retirement home, hospital, or day care (not yet, but plan to before my recital)
-Keep Dancing (yes, it's so good for my soul!)

Here's my letter:

Hey Rachel,

So, you've not only enjoyed this week at Eastern Carolina University Suzuki Institute, you've needed it.
[There's] Musical and spiritual healing going on right here. Don't let the craziness of school make you forget- you're a Suzuki kid. 

And, by that I mean, you don't have to keep letting criticism and negativity determine your choices musically, vocationally, or what you do with your time. 

Remember, the world can and does run on love (Christ made it that way). And it's okay for music to be about love, too.

Your future is important. But, not as important as making sure you love what you do, who you are, and who you are with. The power to change things when you start living will surprise you. Keep following God, and you'll be following love. He made it that way on purpose.

P.S. If I could be at Suzuki Institutes like this all the time, I think I'd be just fine with that. Tickled pink, in fact. 

House of Cards

So, I''m juggling this intimidating schedule with multiple things going demanding my time and energy. I just had Spring Break, if you can call it that. Basically it was a weekend out of town, otherwise I worked, taught, and rehearsed like usual. I was able to get a few things done that I have just been unable to do while school was marching on. Well, it's Monday and the last few weeks before graduating are definitely holding nothing back. I wish I could say that I'm excited. I'm reaching a point where if I do make it across this freakish finish line, celebrating isn't even in the picture anymore. I have a vivid expectation that I will I collapse with the only energy to keep breathing. A medically induced coma sounds kind of appealing, not gonna lie.

I've been doing pretty well this semester. And by well, I mean dealing with all of my crazy things to do. Performing with Greensboro Symphony, subbing with Winston-Salem Symphony, teaching violin lessons, assistant teaching at school, being librarian (and human stapler) to the orchestra, Concertmaster of school orchestra, Bible study co-leader, church band member, and oh yeah I forgot, student. Friend got left off that list this time, cause I'm pretty sure I've been a lousy one this term. And I guess we can throw in the fact that I'm desperately trying to prepare for "life after graduation". Whatever that does and can mean, I feel like I'm grasping at trying to accomplish.

Well, the house of cards had a good shake down today. I found out I have a book report/class presentation due tomorrow morning at 10 am. I don't even know what book the book report is on to begin with. I don't think there's any amount of bullshitting you can do to cover that one up. I just asked the teacher for an extension. In all fairness, the syllabus has conflicting and contradictory assignments posted. It's just unfortunate that I looked at the one that says mine isn't due until next month.