My Summer List

Sometimes it's hard to look at the time you've spent and see anything productive. It's one of those days. Now, I know that my time has not been completely wasted, so I'm going to start a list of the things I've started and the things I've completed. Hopefully the first will remind me of the things I would like to finish before my summer is up, and hopefully the latter will encourage me that I have actually been using my time doing productive things.

1) Copied, organized, and finished quartet gig books.
2) Ordered life-time supply of business cards
3) Cleaned the garage
4) Washed and waxed my car
5) Started a patch work quilt (need to finish)
6) Contacted orchestra managers and got hired for some gigs
7) Brought-in my brown dress
8) Hemmed 1 pair of jeans (need to do 2 more)
9) Road trip to New York

More later...

Create In Me A Clean Heart

The days have seemed longer than they have been in a long time. Maybe it's because I'm getting up earlier and staying up later, or maybe because I'm doing more things. But, a part of me knows that it's because, while yes the previous things are true, it's also because I'm doing more of what is valuable.

That includes more quiet time with God reading his word, praying, devotionals, and finding answers to some of my questions. For a while, I've been afraid to ask questions or admit that I had them. But, that doesn't do anything but lay way for weakness in my faith and life. Along with my new commitment to have Christ lead my life, I've made a purity pact between God and myself. Today in one of the things I was reading, they talked about bonsais. They resemble our spiritual lives very similarly in how we need to be constantly pruned and shaped if we are to fulfill our truest potential. Right now, I don't really where my healthy limits are, but I do know the simplest way to find out. I think this quote that I read sums it up pretty well. "Guidelines don't create purity of heart. They create a safer environment in which purity can grow." Right now, my little bonsai is so overgrown, it isn't a bonsai anymore. I need to be in the best environment, and with God's help I will become the beautiful creation He always intended me to be.

"Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away
From thy presence oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me"*

*words by Keith Green

Washed Anew

The title says it all. I am like a new born babe, with eyes brand new and smile on my face. Last Friday night was both one of the scariest and most joyous moments of my life. It's not often in a person's life that you can say that with as much conviction as I'm saying it now.
My life had reached a turning point. The choice was either to stay on the road I had found myself, or to turn around for something better. I chose the latter.

At the evening's end, I had rededicated my life to Christ.

While there's still a twinge of sorrow at my foolishness for not having chosen this earlier, I am filled with joy at the hope of tomorrow and what God has in store for me. Or rather, what I may do for God. I've had too many discoveries as of late that show how much I've traveled since the beginning of college. Some of them good, some of them bad, some of them merely inevitable. While in some arenas of my life I'm saddened at the loss of what was once childlike faith. While on the other hand, it is now so evident my grace needs to be so sufficient that I can have no doubt of the need for my Saviour.

As a child, I always knew I learned best by experience. My mother would probably attest to this ;) And by experience, that also means failure. While I hope that I have grown in being able to take heed of other people's experience, I know my tendency still remains in the lessons where I find (or experience) the answers myself.

While my newly lit fire kindles with its youthful vigor :), I am continuing my journey but with newer, better priorities. I would be amiss if I didn't thank those who have given themselves to the Lord and have listened to the Holy Spirit, even when they didn't know themselves the end of their actions. It has been instrumental in my journey back to the Lord. Of the things I've learned, I hope to bring this kind of wonderful surrender to my life. I am like Him, for He is in me. So He is in me, so I am led by Him. May God be evident in all that I do.

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love towards those who fear Him." ~ Psalm 103:10-11

Value of Success

It's hard not to place your value in success. Some days it's harder than others.

I could sum up this day as being rather depressive. I don't feel depressed per se, but I feel the world around me is. Things hit a peak this afternoon as I was trying to decide how to evaluate success's value. Am I a good musician when I practice everyday? Am I a bad musician when I don't? If I get into a great summer festival, does that establish my credibility? Does failing to properly prepare for an audition take away any credibility I had? These are all very relevant questions right now. I used to practice everyday; then I didn't. Now I'm trying to get back to doing that. I didn't get into or get to go to a festival for a couple of years. I felt crappy about it. I went to an amazing summer festival this last year and while things weren't perfect, I felt on top of the world. This was all going through my head as my friend and I decided not to go to our audition this coming Monday. We both weren't well enough prepared and didn't have the money to waste on travel and a hotel when we knew we wouldn't get in. I'm beyond the point of kicking myself for not working harder. I can't decide if that scares me or not. It makes me sick how I learn more from failure than success.

It all had to be brought together with class today: Career Development. Such a terrible class on so many levels, and yet, it also has a lot to offer at the same time. It's hard to explain, but if you were there you would probably understand. Our clarinet professor came in to talk to us today. He mostly talked about competitions and things of that sort. It was really hard not to feel overwhelmed during his lecture. Seeing all that he had done, in comparison to my life at this point, and see what he had to do to be successful. It was a lot to swallow without choking on your own fears. I feel stuck in such an odd place right now; unmotivated to move or think, yet screaming from inside to do something with myself.

After class all I could do was go to the gym. I couldn't practice, I could only run. I proved to myself I can do it. It won't really make any sense to anyone else. I ran, almost constantly, for 3 miles today. I concentrated for almost the entire time: A big step forward as of late. I've been so afraid to push myself lately. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid I won't make it or if when I completely spend myself I'll find that it's not enough. I think it's the latter. It's at times easier to rest on the thought that you have the power to make it but choose not to, than to make the effort to try and fail. But, at the same time I've been told my entire life that I have such potential, if only I could concentrate and use my brain when I play… Living life on unfulfilled potential is as painful as it sounds.

Today I painted two different paintings. One of them I had sketched out while working backstage crew duty. The other one was completely fly by the seat of my inspirational pants. It's the first time that I've painted in almost a year. The last one I did was my 3 circle blue swirl. It is the first time though that I didn't completely enjoy doing it. I enjoyed the physical act of painting them, but I didn't enjoy the end result nearly as much as I had in past. I'm sure I'll enjoy them later, but it took me aback at my lack of usual response. I expected a sense of accomplishment, a satisfactory soothing to my senses. While the more I look at them the more I like them, the sense of accomplishment was less than satisfactory. I have one more painting I want to do, that I've been meaning to do for quite a while. I might wait to do that one until this feeling passes. I know what I want, and I want it to be as rewarding as I know it should be.

I can't imagine being a real painter. Giving up your paintings. It's such a selfish thing for me, each one is so personal. I don't know if I could give up most of my paintings. It's interesting how painting differs with music. Yet, it's the same. You paint trying to express something, about yourself or something that you're feeling. It doesn't matter what's going on around you or who's looking. As long as you like it, that's what matters. But, on some level, painting wouldn't be the same without the idea that you share it with someone. Someone gets to see what you are feeling or thinking; make their own connections. Music is the same way. Maybe on some level you play for your own appeasement, but on another it wouldn't be the same if someone else didn't get to hear it as well.

Share.

I guess that's what it really comes down to. Success might on some level be selfish, but in the end, it's only about who you can share it with.

Try Again

So I forgot to practice yesterday :( day 21 of continuous practice... I took my violin to conducting expecting to play and we wound up not ever doing anything in class with the instruments. Then afterwards I had so much homework I didn't have time to go to the practice rooms. I completely forgot. As much as I would love to fudge it, there wasn't even any thinking about practice. Oh well, I will try again starting today, Friday January 22, 2010. This is about consistency more than anything else. So, let's try again.

Visiting Old Thoughts

Being not in the best place right now, I was looking over some past blogs and realized how relevant these words are to me right now.

"Life is what you make it. I'm going to have a well chosen and indeed needed change of scenery, surroundings, and lifestyle. But, unless I go in knowing what I want to get out of it, and knowing that I'm going to be content with what I've got, I will wind up in the same spot I was here. It was too easy to blame my situation, my product, on what was going on around me. I have to realize the end choice lies with me. I am the decider of my happiness. No one can change that but me." ~May 21, 2009

I love how I can continue learning from the lessons God's given me, as painful as they are at times. While sometimes I wish I could wallow, I like being resilient. I like surviving; striving on.

Pick yourself up woman. We have a day in front of us.

Crossing Fingers

My New Year's Resolution? Practice everyday... for at least 10 years. I'm on day 6, whoopty doo, like it's all that big a deal. But, I realized I want to take advantage of everyday and what better way than to actually make myself accomplish something.

We have studio class today. While yes, I'm on day 6 of practicing, this is only consecutive day 6 after a 3 week hiatus. I am far from being where I was last semester. My last lesson was for the most part terrible and left with the assignment to perform the entire Lalo for studio when I got back. Only then could I move on to a new piece. Well, having not touched Lalo since my jury right after that lesson, it's no surprise that well, it's not ready. So I'm "quakin' in my boots" hoping against hope that KL forgets and or I can talk my way out of it. I practiced like mad the last couple of days trying to get ready. Yesterday I totaled over 7 hours... But unfortunately most of my work is getting me back in working condition much less being able to play worthy of studio. Ugh. We'll see if my life is over when 3 o'clock hits. Wish my backside some luck and general protection.

In a half an hour I have my first Orchestra Repertory class with Genualdi. I'm looking forward to it. It will be good to get some regular excerpt practice in along with some very knowledgeable tutelage. Plus Ellie and Charles are in the class which will keep it interesting and fun. Well, I'm gonna go warm up now. Hopefully I'll only have to be warming up for Rep class...