Car Trouble

So I'm currently at a friend's brother's girlfriend's campus apartment in Nashville. Did you get that?
At the moment, I'm just chillin. And thinking about and being thankful about how awesome all of my friends are. That's all cool and all but, "Rachel," you ask "isn't today the last day of fall break, and don't classes start again tomorrow?" Why yes, you're absolutely right.

I was heading back from a lovely and refreshing trip to WS. I got to see some close friends, record music, worship, play games, eat venison pot roast, go hiking, visit Asheville, quality time with my bff, drive along the blue ridge parkway with the beautiful changing fall leaves... Basically, it really couldn't have been a better break.

I leave this morning for my drive back to Memphis. Well, after about 6/7ish hours of driving I gas up at Lebanon, TN. Earlier that afternoon, I had a random kick while driving. I wrote it off as it was not repeated.

Well, as I'm driving away from Lebanon on I-40 (at 3.2 miles to be precise), I get some more light hearted kicks. And then, wha-wha, my RPMs all of a sudden drop. And, I's got no juice.
I start slowing down from my 70 mph on the highway with cars zipping all around me. I go to neutral and back to drive and still nothin. I immediately change lanes (with my quickly diminishing momentum it's hard to do safely).

I try turning off my car and trying starting it again. It's trying but nothing's catching. Great.
I pop the hood and, oh goody, a baby cloud of black smoke arises. My favorite. My mechanically uneducated understanding has no idea what the heck is wrong. I thought the problem might be a belt issue as the smoke was coming from the vicinity of a belt... but let's be honest. I'm pretty sure I made that up cause I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I quickly get in my car and start praying. Not so much "God, fix this."But more of "God, you have a plan. You hear my prayer and you're aware of what's going on. Help me to give thanks in all things. And, oh yeah, help me deal with this situation." Which honestly surprised even myself. Mostly because if this had happened even earlier today, I'm not sure if I would have been in a place where I could/be able to do that.

A morning of meditating on memory verses and praying while driving is the only reason I was/am able to respond to this in the way that I did. My intentionality of intimacy with God this morning determined whether or not I responded in a way that showed trust in God.

My car still didn't turn on after I prayed. I called AAA. My membership was overdue. So, before they could help me I had to pay the annual dues. An hour later, the tow truck finally came to tow me to Nashville- the guy was super nice and friendly (a plus for a lone traveler). He took me to the first place AAA suggested which looked super sketch. It was closed for the night anyway. I called again and asked for another garage/auto repair address. We arrived 3 minutes before they closed. Just in time to fill out paperwork and have it ready to look at first thing in the morning. With violin, gig bag, and overnight bag in tow I wander to the 24 hr McDonalds as I plot my next move. Commence try to find a place to stay Telethon 2013...

Yesterday, while traveling to Asheville my phone died. At the time, I told myself, I really need to be more careful about that and not have that happen again. Today, I'm extremely thankful that I had full batteries with all of my electronics. And, that McDonalds has free wi-fi.

To be honest, it was at this point where I started panicking. It was not that I just had my car break down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and am now stranded in a unfamiliar city. Psh, that's old news... Instead it was the ever present reminder that I'm dirt poor right now. I'm trying hard to be financially independent. And there's the definite probability that I won't be able to pay for this without asking for my parents help. And because I equate financial independence with adulthood and responsible maturity, the idea of having to ask for financial help is basically saying: I've failed.

This past summer I've "gotten over myself" with asking for places to stay (even for long periods of time) and being able to ask for, much less accept, people's generosity. Heck I've even been getting over caring so much about looking stupid. But, coming to terms with failing to fit my self imposed image of responsibility?
Such as... the possibility of needing to ask for money from someone (even your parents)...

I think all of it goes down to this conception that true wisdom and maturity "must" mean you will be prepared for any and all unexpected disasters, whenever they hit. But, I don't think that's right. I have an inkling that wisdom and maturity have a whole lot more to do with how you respond to stressful and unexpected situations. And somehow, I think I was showing more maturity sitting on the side of the interstate praying than I was sitting in McDonalds freaking out. But, I could be wrong...

I guess this post really isn't finished in that this "problem" of my car isn't exactly fixed. But, at the moment I realize there's not much I can do beyond what I'm doing now.
Praying and trusting. And get back to keep trying to do that whole thing of being a grad student and an adult at the same time.

Wish I could have stayed in NC longer

Getting Over Myself

So, I've been in Memphis over a month now, and I feel like I'm starting to find a groove. My housemates and I hosted our first party this weekend in order to better know the other grad students. We had a good turn out and we had a great time.

Since coming here, I've felt confident. Sure of myself. Ready. I know it had a lot to do with the fact that I decided who I wanted to be when I moved here. New start and all that. I can wish to be something else all I want, but it's when I start acting like what I want to be that it starts becoming a reality.

This summer I learned more than I can probably ever spit out. Though I'll try. I love talking about what I learned, and most days I realize something more how my time in Europe changed me.

One was an acceptance of a calling God's placed in my life. I had this perspective that the fruition of my calling would just one day happen. But, I found out that's wrong. What I'm called to/going to do I need to start acting like I'm going to do it, now. Start living that identity today. Not when the time comes and I'm "ready".

Second, this summer was one huge lesson in getting over myself. I think I mentioned this in my summer blog about constantly looking like an idiot and having to come to terms with that. You don't know the language, everyone knows you're an American, you're lost 90% of the time and have to ask for directions, etc. You walk down the street and there is no feasible way to hide the fact that you have no idea what you're doing. And EVERYONE knows it. No, seriously.

The funny thing is, why do we ever think that we CAN hide it? I mean really. This summer has been excellent training for this recent move. Looking like an idiot forces you to come to terms with your inability to always know everything.

And lets have a honest moment and say that people don't like not knowing. Can I get an amen? Don't leave me hanging. I don't like not knowing and I know I'm not the only one.
"Why?" was and is my favorite question. But basing your comfort, satisfaction, success, purpose, or whatever, on whether you have that answer is a recipe for staying only in situations where you can predict or control the outcome. That sounds like a boring life to me.

I'm used to knowing things when it comes to music. At least a fairly decent amount.
I'm taking this class where I'm constantly being reminded that I don't know shit. While on many levels, I love this class, it is far from comfortable. Realizing "I don't know shit" and having everyone else know too is something that's hard to sit still for.

This last class, my biggest issue I realized is learning to get over myself. It's being in Austria all over again. It's just a little less glamorous, there's no wienerschnitzle afterwards, and I'm surrounded by poor lighting and boring architecture.

I have to ask questions to learn.
Even if they sound stupid.
I have to try.
Even if I make mistakes.
And I have to be okay with not knowing everything.

Who knew that being good at something could wind up being an inhibition.
I can't chicken out just because I'm afraid I'll fall flat on my face.

Closet Case Introvert

This might sound weird, but I had an epiphany understanding how I process things. There's been a recent craze about introvert-ism , and how they're cool people too. You've probably seen posts about that plastered all over your facebook wall like mine. I eventually started reading some of them.

It's weird that growing up, for some reason, I thought I was an extrovert. I'm not entirely sure when that got started. I'm sure along the way somewhere I started idealizing extroverts and wanted to be just like them. I probably also compared myself to my parents (who are probably more introverted than I am) and decided, compared to them, I must be extroverted. But it's only been within the past few months that I've only begun to ask, hmmm, could I be an introvert?

///Reality Shift///

I just listened to this TED talk called: The Power of Introverts. The speaker said, in a group of people, we "instinctively mimic ideas and opinions, regardless of their quality. We innately follow the most charismatic or dominant person in the room. Regardless of the fact that just because your the best talker doesn't mean you have the best ideas. It's much better to for everyone to go off by themselves and generate their own ideas free from distortion of group dynamics. And then have everyone come together in a well managed environment."

That last part was a truth bomb for me. I instinctively know that I need time away from people or I have no idea what I really want anymore. But, I'm not sure if I admit that to myself. I need time to generate my own ideas (even opinions, and tastes) or I consistently mimic my identity away.

Good golly.

Know yourself. It would seem like that shouldn't be that hard. But, I don't really know what makes me thrive quite like I used to think. What environment makes me ready for the world around me?

Introvertism. You might not be so scary after all.

Readjust Your Focus

"Some days to keep you going, you have to ask yourself "Do I really want this?" If it's no, sometimes you have to look further down the road and ask, "But, do I want that?" 


At this very moment, I don't want to do my taxes. 
But, instead I choose to look forward to my refund check.

I don't want to study, practice, or do anything that even remotely sounds stressful. 
Instead I'm looking towards graduation and a summer break in 6 weeks.

There were numerous times I didn't want to practice this year when I had auditions coming up. But, I asked myself "Do I really want that position/job/fellowship?" With some of them I realized, no, I don't actually want that. Figuring that out was helpful so I didn't waste my time on projects I didn't really care about. But, there were other things that I realized, yes, I do in fact want them. 

I realize that I am a short sighted, whiny, hopeful to the point of entitled, person who wants what they want when they want it. I'm a "victim" of the times, my generation, being an American, and just being a sinner. At the first sign of struggle, difficulty makes me want to raise my hands in the air and go "can't do it". 

That's why I have to constantly readjust my focus. I have to look beyond what is going on right now, write/vent my whininess out in my journals and move on, and even ask myself why I really want something. 

Don't Forget

I just got a letter in the mail today. It was from me. 9 months ago, my Suzuki teacher trainer had us write a plan with goals for the next year. He also had us write a letter to ourselves encouraging us about things that we were learning at the institute, that we might need to be reminded of later. Our teacher held on to the letters to send them to us later.

I didn't think I could be so encouraged by reading an old "to do" list. Most of the time, I don't feel like I ever accomplish what I set out to do, and writing it down just makes me feel worse about myself.
This time, it wasn't that way. Most of the things on the list I've actually done, or am in the middle of doing. Regarding the things I haven't done I'm either: okay with not actually doing because plans changed or they're very much in reach of being accomplished.

The point of this is not to look at a piece of paper and go, "Oh, well I have (or haven't) made good use of my time based on whether I set out to do what I said I would do." But, it is a reminder of the fact that we can live our lives with purpose and creativity. If we start living with purpose, just maybe we can start changing ourselves (and maybe other people's lives too) for the better. And if we live creatively, maybe we will have more reason and inspiration to keep doing what we love to do.

~Music Goals
-Be ready to graduate in May (check!!)
-Have post-graduate option plans submitted/auditioned
    Lincoln Center Fellowship (no...)
    New World, Symphony in C, Civic (New World Sub Audition in April!)
    Contact Teacher to Suzuki Shadow (no time or readily available local resources)
    Orchestra Auditions (Memphis, yes; Charlotte and Raleigh, Audition in May/June)

~Teaching Goals
-Stay Creative and Flexible (daily choice)
-Find another institute for violin teacher training bk. 2 (not yet, waiting to hear back from other things first; possible choice Stevens Point)
-Expand/Maintain teaching to 5 students (Total of 9: 1 UNCSA, 6 Separk, 2 Private)

~Personal Development (Read)
-Nurtured by Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)
-I Prefer to Learn with Love (not yet, still have summer to finish)

~Personal Health
-Make time for moments of joy in music regularly (yes: church worship, band, improv)
-Play for at least one retirement home, hospital, or day care (not yet, but plan to before my recital)
-Keep Dancing (yes, it's so good for my soul!)

Here's my letter:

Hey Rachel,

So, you've not only enjoyed this week at Eastern Carolina University Suzuki Institute, you've needed it.
[There's] Musical and spiritual healing going on right here. Don't let the craziness of school make you forget- you're a Suzuki kid. 

And, by that I mean, you don't have to keep letting criticism and negativity determine your choices musically, vocationally, or what you do with your time. 

Remember, the world can and does run on love (Christ made it that way). And it's okay for music to be about love, too.

Your future is important. But, not as important as making sure you love what you do, who you are, and who you are with. The power to change things when you start living will surprise you. Keep following God, and you'll be following love. He made it that way on purpose.

P.S. If I could be at Suzuki Institutes like this all the time, I think I'd be just fine with that. Tickled pink, in fact. 

House of Cards

So, I''m juggling this intimidating schedule with multiple things going demanding my time and energy. I just had Spring Break, if you can call it that. Basically it was a weekend out of town, otherwise I worked, taught, and rehearsed like usual. I was able to get a few things done that I have just been unable to do while school was marching on. Well, it's Monday and the last few weeks before graduating are definitely holding nothing back. I wish I could say that I'm excited. I'm reaching a point where if I do make it across this freakish finish line, celebrating isn't even in the picture anymore. I have a vivid expectation that I will I collapse with the only energy to keep breathing. A medically induced coma sounds kind of appealing, not gonna lie.

I've been doing pretty well this semester. And by well, I mean dealing with all of my crazy things to do. Performing with Greensboro Symphony, subbing with Winston-Salem Symphony, teaching violin lessons, assistant teaching at school, being librarian (and human stapler) to the orchestra, Concertmaster of school orchestra, Bible study co-leader, church band member, and oh yeah I forgot, student. Friend got left off that list this time, cause I'm pretty sure I've been a lousy one this term. And I guess we can throw in the fact that I'm desperately trying to prepare for "life after graduation". Whatever that does and can mean, I feel like I'm grasping at trying to accomplish.

Well, the house of cards had a good shake down today. I found out I have a book report/class presentation due tomorrow morning at 10 am. I don't even know what book the book report is on to begin with. I don't think there's any amount of bullshitting you can do to cover that one up. I just asked the teacher for an extension. In all fairness, the syllabus has conflicting and contradictory assignments posted. It's just unfortunate that I looked at the one that says mine isn't due until next month.