Whenever I get the inspiration to write, I always hope that it will turn out as good as it sounds inside my head. I'm not there yet, but I try.
This afternoon I was talking with a girl who's a few years younger than me. She was asking for some advice in a situation. The girl finds herself being "confessed to" by her piers about all the bad things they've done over the weekend. The girl, as sweet and well behaved as you could imagine, can't relate to those things. A part of her doesn't want to out of a fear of condoning said behavior. But, she realizes that if she goes "Oh, I'm sorry" that doesn't quite deal with the real issue.
These people are sinners. And, so are we. People know we're Christians. But, what they don't know is if we're sinners too. We try to act so perfect, people sometimes wonder if we think we are too. But the reality of it is that we need Jesus just as much as they do.
These people come, with obvious brokeness, not for the confirmation that what they're doing is wrong, but that they're still eligible for God's grace and love. Next time you're confronted with someone who says "Man, this weekend I did ____" Maybe that's an opportunity. An opportunity to reciprocate that vulnerability with a "you know what, I struggle with ___..." or "I have done ___ and God was good to forgive me and give me grace. The same way God loves me, He loves you too."
That evening I was reminded that when we're vulnerable with God about who we are, He shows us who He is. And, by doing that shows us who we because of who he is.
When people tell us who they are, they want to know who God is. Not who we wish or want them to be.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Finely Out of Focus
I see the sun
on the far horizon
I greet the ground
beneath my feet
I carry my memories
they taste hard and sweet
I don't know where
my road will take me
all I carry is what I've learned
life's prizes don't come free
glimpses of his love
that spurs me on
I seize the moment
before it's gone
life's travels can be a mystery
but what is clear is what's before me
the future finely out of focus
only time will tell what it will be
on the far horizon
I greet the ground
beneath my feet
I carry my memories
they taste hard and sweet
I don't know where
my road will take me
all I carry is what I've learned
life's prizes don't come free
glimpses of his love
that spurs me on
I seize the moment
before it's gone
life's travels can be a mystery
but what is clear is what's before me
the future finely out of focus
only time will tell what it will be
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Convictional Change
Personal Challenge Moment
On my mind and on my heart earlier this week: Who to vote for?
I prayed about it, and then today I voted.
But, that's not enough. There's so much hate about everything political, that it's impossible to take a stance on anything without being attacked. It makes me hate ever talking about politics to the point where I've made my political viewpoint more and more private.
But, here's what I decided.
Whether I agree with people politically or not, debating about who will do the best job, or how that job should be done, I know that what we care about is the same. And, that's what I want to talk about. I believe we care about people. We want people to be valued. We want to know that we are valued.
You see someone who has no food and is hungry and thirsty.
You see someone who is sick and is in need of help.
You see someone defenseless with no way of protecting themselves.
You see someone who is different, and people out of fear separate them from everyone else.
You see someone making a choice for themselves at the physical hurt of others.
And we respond with pity, we turn away, we judge, we scorn, we excuse.
And most often we are actively vocal about our concern for people not stepping in to help.
How often do I see something wrong, and instead of stepping up, I point out the obvious fact that people or a situation needs help
This should be convicting.
And when I say convicting, what I really mean is that it should become a challenge in your life with tangible results from you.
So, this year (regardless of who takes office, or who is in political power) let's take the power and freedom that we have as US citizens and be that change. Start small and we can make big changes: the friends we love, in the neighborhood we live, in the community we are a part, and in the city we live. That's how real change happens. Permanent change in one person's life can permanently change other's for good.
Don't wait for someone else to do the things you are feeling convicted about.
What does this look like for me? I'm so glad you asked.
Well, really what do I have that I can share, give, and help with?
Compared to some, I don't have much money. To others, I'm doing just fine. I tend to think I don't have much, but do have some. It is hard earned, and will consequently mean that much more when I give it away.
Time, like money, is equally valuable to myself and to others. What I do with it shows what I value most. Am I spending it all on myself, or am I sharing it with people who could benefit from someone just taking the time for them.
Labor is the doing part. Are you willing to make an effort for someone? Get your hands dirty? Make it what you will, but where we cannot give in one area we can certainly give in another.
So this year, I'm stopping with the excuses for myself or for others. I'm taking my convictions and making them an opportunity for change in my life, and hopefully, if you know me it will effect change for you too.
On my mind and on my heart earlier this week: Who to vote for?
I prayed about it, and then today I voted.
But, that's not enough. There's so much hate about everything political, that it's impossible to take a stance on anything without being attacked. It makes me hate ever talking about politics to the point where I've made my political viewpoint more and more private.
But, here's what I decided.
Whether I agree with people politically or not, debating about who will do the best job, or how that job should be done, I know that what we care about is the same. And, that's what I want to talk about. I believe we care about people. We want people to be valued. We want to know that we are valued.
You see someone who has no food and is hungry and thirsty.
You see someone who is sick and is in need of help.
You see someone defenseless with no way of protecting themselves.
You see someone who is different, and people out of fear separate them from everyone else.
You see someone making a choice for themselves at the physical hurt of others.
And we respond with pity, we turn away, we judge, we scorn, we excuse.
And most often we are actively vocal about our concern for people not stepping in to help.
How often do I see something wrong, and instead of stepping up, I point out the obvious fact that people or a situation needs help
This should be convicting.
And when I say convicting, what I really mean is that it should become a challenge in your life with tangible results from you.
So, this year (regardless of who takes office, or who is in political power) let's take the power and freedom that we have as US citizens and be that change. Start small and we can make big changes: the friends we love, in the neighborhood we live, in the community we are a part, and in the city we live. That's how real change happens. Permanent change in one person's life can permanently change other's for good.
Don't wait for someone else to do the things you are feeling convicted about.
What does this look like for me? I'm so glad you asked.
Well, really what do I have that I can share, give, and help with?
Compared to some, I don't have much money. To others, I'm doing just fine. I tend to think I don't have much, but do have some. It is hard earned, and will consequently mean that much more when I give it away.
Time, like money, is equally valuable to myself and to others. What I do with it shows what I value most. Am I spending it all on myself, or am I sharing it with people who could benefit from someone just taking the time for them.
Labor is the doing part. Are you willing to make an effort for someone? Get your hands dirty? Make it what you will, but where we cannot give in one area we can certainly give in another.
So this year, I'm stopping with the excuses for myself or for others. I'm taking my convictions and making them an opportunity for change in my life, and hopefully, if you know me it will effect change for you too.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Giving Way
This practice room
really confines you
restricts you with what you are
and what you're holding onto
it's a place where mistakes
are brought to surface
and not just in the music
but your inner demons
that are keeping you from the music
the thoughts that say
you're not good enough
there's no redemption
it's all too late.
Waste of the talent you've been given
a wayward son beyond the reach of home.
And you were the only thing standing in the way.
Because in the practice room
it's just you and the music
You never know what will give way.
you hope to God, it's you
really confines you
restricts you with what you are
and what you're holding onto
it's a place where mistakes
are brought to surface
and not just in the music
but your inner demons
that are keeping you from the music
the thoughts that say
you're not good enough
there's no redemption
it's all too late.
Waste of the talent you've been given
a wayward son beyond the reach of home.
And you were the only thing standing in the way.
Because in the practice room
it's just you and the music
You never know what will give way.
you hope to God, it's you
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Wanting Him
I'm not a parent. And, don't forsee being one in the near future. But, I have this wonderful perspective of being a music teacher where I get to interact with parents and kids on a regular basis. My thoughts are therefore most heavily influenced by these experiences. So, if I were a parent and had a rule book to live by it would probably look something like this:
No. 1 rule of parenting:
Don't give children what's bad for said children.
Seems easy enough. I mean, that's why you're the grown up and they're the kid.
For instance, when they don't want to practice violin, keep encouraging them. They don't realize in their momentary emotion of hating music/practice/whatever, that they will like it once again when they get over whatever their most current obstacle is. Kids can't see into the future beyond dinner time. They can't begin to imagine that it's the obstacles they hate, not violin, art, or whatever vehicle an obstacle is being presented in.
That goes back to the age old idea that no one likes to struggle.
Except, maybe, the ones who've made it to the other side.
But, seriously, in the thick of it, no one wants it. Few, in the midst of something difficult, fully realize how much stronger they're going to be when they're done. But, when they reach the other side, that's when they realize the difference between the person who started the journey and the person who finished.
I've been thinking a lot about prayer. Two weeks ago I heard someone talk about how we need to "keep knocking" when it comes to praying. My favorite realization was when the speaker made the connection that the reason God answers our prayers is not out of "friendship" but out of our persistence. For instance, if we kept knocking asking for bread at a person's house, eventually they're gonna want to just shut us up and make us go away. It doesnt matter if they're our friend. If they don't give bread to us the first time we ask (like a friend would) they'll give it to us out of shear exhaustion of having to deal with our constant pestering. I see it now: "Here's your stinkin bread. Now, go away!"
Sounds weird, right? Well, then the connection was made- how often do we ask things of God because we think we are His friend? We ask because we think we're on "good enough" terms with him to deserve it.
I had two different reactions to this.
The first was, whoa. Truth bomb. I am not always God's friend. God is always mine, but I am not always a friend towards God. Our relationship is consistent in only one direction-God towards me. To think that I love God all the time is to lie to myself about the nature of my commitment to God.
The second was this. (And, here comes my inner battle...)
If I ask long enough, will God give me what I want, even if it's bad for me?
Top Secret Parenting Weakness No. 1:
If my kid keeps begging for something, long enough and loud enough, eventually I will cave and give them what they want out of exhaustion. Throw out and forget Parenting Rule No. 1.
If this strong willed, obstinate child wants what's bad for them, let them have it. There's a point where you can't make someone want what is good. They have to want it for themselves.
If they want to quit violin, and they push hard enough, so be it. Let them quit.
They beg to stay up all night, let them. Let them realize for themselves what a terrible idea not sleeping really is.
I guess, what I struggle with is: when I pray do I really want what God has for me (which will always turn out for eternal good). Whatever is good is of God, for it glorifies God. Or, do I pray for what I think will be good (for me) when and where I think I should have it? Am I praying for the here and the now, or the there and then? One way can have eternal results of treasure, the other possible eternal results of perhaps just painful lessons learned.
I don't want to be a spoiled child, resistant to future blessing because of current hardship.
And to be completely and selfishly honest, I don't want to learn more hard lessons than I have to.
I don't want to miss out on more than I have to (because I was too consumed with what I wanted).
I am continuously reminded that I don't know how prayer "works". Because, I keep falling into this trap that God is like a slot machine. If you put in the sacrificial coin, manipulate the machine just right, pull the lever with conviction and faith, then I'll get what I want. But, that's never what God wanted. God's purpose in all of this was never that we should get whatever we wanted. Because from the beginning, we never really wanted God. What God wants is relationship. God wants us to want Him. And it's funny how, that's what we're all searching for.
No. 1 rule of parenting:
Don't give children what's bad for said children.
Seems easy enough. I mean, that's why you're the grown up and they're the kid.
For instance, when they don't want to practice violin, keep encouraging them. They don't realize in their momentary emotion of hating music/practice/whatever, that they will like it once again when they get over whatever their most current obstacle is. Kids can't see into the future beyond dinner time. They can't begin to imagine that it's the obstacles they hate, not violin, art, or whatever vehicle an obstacle is being presented in.
That goes back to the age old idea that no one likes to struggle.
Except, maybe, the ones who've made it to the other side.
But, seriously, in the thick of it, no one wants it. Few, in the midst of something difficult, fully realize how much stronger they're going to be when they're done. But, when they reach the other side, that's when they realize the difference between the person who started the journey and the person who finished.
I've been thinking a lot about prayer. Two weeks ago I heard someone talk about how we need to "keep knocking" when it comes to praying. My favorite realization was when the speaker made the connection that the reason God answers our prayers is not out of "friendship" but out of our persistence. For instance, if we kept knocking asking for bread at a person's house, eventually they're gonna want to just shut us up and make us go away. It doesnt matter if they're our friend. If they don't give bread to us the first time we ask (like a friend would) they'll give it to us out of shear exhaustion of having to deal with our constant pestering. I see it now: "Here's your stinkin bread. Now, go away!"
Sounds weird, right? Well, then the connection was made- how often do we ask things of God because we think we are His friend? We ask because we think we're on "good enough" terms with him to deserve it.
I had two different reactions to this.
The first was, whoa. Truth bomb. I am not always God's friend. God is always mine, but I am not always a friend towards God. Our relationship is consistent in only one direction-God towards me. To think that I love God all the time is to lie to myself about the nature of my commitment to God.
The second was this. (And, here comes my inner battle...)
If I ask long enough, will God give me what I want, even if it's bad for me?
Top Secret Parenting Weakness No. 1:
If my kid keeps begging for something, long enough and loud enough, eventually I will cave and give them what they want out of exhaustion. Throw out and forget Parenting Rule No. 1.
If this strong willed, obstinate child wants what's bad for them, let them have it. There's a point where you can't make someone want what is good. They have to want it for themselves.
If they want to quit violin, and they push hard enough, so be it. Let them quit.
They beg to stay up all night, let them. Let them realize for themselves what a terrible idea not sleeping really is.
I guess, what I struggle with is: when I pray do I really want what God has for me (which will always turn out for eternal good). Whatever is good is of God, for it glorifies God. Or, do I pray for what I think will be good (for me) when and where I think I should have it? Am I praying for the here and the now, or the there and then? One way can have eternal results of treasure, the other possible eternal results of perhaps just painful lessons learned.
I don't want to be a spoiled child, resistant to future blessing because of current hardship.
And to be completely and selfishly honest, I don't want to learn more hard lessons than I have to.
I don't want to miss out on more than I have to (because I was too consumed with what I wanted).
I am continuously reminded that I don't know how prayer "works". Because, I keep falling into this trap that God is like a slot machine. If you put in the sacrificial coin, manipulate the machine just right, pull the lever with conviction and faith, then I'll get what I want. But, that's never what God wanted. God's purpose in all of this was never that we should get whatever we wanted. Because from the beginning, we never really wanted God. What God wants is relationship. God wants us to want Him. And it's funny how, that's what we're all searching for.
What is the wisdom that you are,
My One, what do you see for me?
How can I be, when the end seems so far,
less of me, and more of what you see?
It's your token as a lover
to give instead of take
it's your love where I take cover
I live by your namesake
I sing your name, now my love
strength in your fullness make
that feeds my soul for life above
my love for you, now awake
living proof your will prevail
living through drought, through flood
You shower me regardless,
with your evidence of blood
Assurance I have and know
built on grace that makes me free
that gives me purpose for life below
you bless me beyond what I foresee
Sunday, September 9, 2012
What and Where
So, once again, the mood to write strikes when I'm trying to accomplish homework.
Just had a talk yesterday with the parentals about my future, job prospects, loans, and all things financial. A heavy topic for anyone in my opinion. I was in a poor mood to start with, trying to get ready for dinner and that evening's concert, while trying to communicate on a lousy phone. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? The conversation didn't exactly go very smoothly.
But, we had a redo today. A little calmer, a little less stressed, and ready to ask and answer some questions.
I realized I have no idea where I want to do what I want. Yes, I said it weird. Basically, where do I want to live? I don't think I care as long as I can do music, make a living, and have a good community. I say think, because well, I don't think I care where I live. I love where I am, but I think I love it because of the amazing community, I'm playing music, and making a small living. If I could do that anywhere, I would probably love it there too.
I'm scared to come straight out with what I want. Why? Because if I do, that means I have to go all out straight for it. And I don't know if that's possible and pay my bills, feed myself, and have a place to live.
My parents reminded me, maybe I'm not going to have the perfect job right after school. And by not perfect, that could even mean not in my field. Waitress, nanny, whatever. They went on to say I may not be able to live in the place I want to live. That was a blow.
I've looked at people who finish school looking for the perfect job in their chosen career and gone, "They're so spoiled to think they can just get whatever they want immediately after school. People have to work to get what they want. Including jobs and careers." Why had I not, until now, realized I was following the same thought process? I think I thought I was different.
Well, I'm gonna keep spitting out my dreams and maybe I'll get better ideas on how to make them a reality.
I want to play in a band. Like I'm doing at church. But paid. Tour. Make CD's. Worship God. Make music.
With that, I want to be in the studio making music on other musician's cd's too. Be a studio musician.
I would also like to keep myself in the classical music world. I want it all.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone to ask me, invite me into their pre-formed band that's ready to go be famous. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to do all the work for me.
I have not seriously considered starting my own band. But, maybe I need to. If that's the case, I have a lot more work to do than I thought.
The other options mentioned today were
Military gigs (the uniforms and job security are appealing)
Symphony in C, New Jersy
Chicago Civic
New World, Miami (fellowship)
Orchestra Librarian (dislike the work, but it's work)
Suzuki Teacher
Maybe I should move to Nashville. Audition for the symphony (that's how Edgar Meyer started (he was born in tulsa too!)), start a band, join a band, tour in between concerts, happily ever after set go.
No, but seriously. Maybe that's what I need to do. And in order to get there I should get lessons with somebody in the orchestra, play for people, etc. Also, check out teaching opportunities...But before that I should figure out what to play for them. That means more practice. Doesn't it always?
Just had a talk yesterday with the parentals about my future, job prospects, loans, and all things financial. A heavy topic for anyone in my opinion. I was in a poor mood to start with, trying to get ready for dinner and that evening's concert, while trying to communicate on a lousy phone. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? The conversation didn't exactly go very smoothly.
But, we had a redo today. A little calmer, a little less stressed, and ready to ask and answer some questions.
I realized I have no idea where I want to do what I want. Yes, I said it weird. Basically, where do I want to live? I don't think I care as long as I can do music, make a living, and have a good community. I say think, because well, I don't think I care where I live. I love where I am, but I think I love it because of the amazing community, I'm playing music, and making a small living. If I could do that anywhere, I would probably love it there too.
I'm scared to come straight out with what I want. Why? Because if I do, that means I have to go all out straight for it. And I don't know if that's possible and pay my bills, feed myself, and have a place to live.
My parents reminded me, maybe I'm not going to have the perfect job right after school. And by not perfect, that could even mean not in my field. Waitress, nanny, whatever. They went on to say I may not be able to live in the place I want to live. That was a blow.
I've looked at people who finish school looking for the perfect job in their chosen career and gone, "They're so spoiled to think they can just get whatever they want immediately after school. People have to work to get what they want. Including jobs and careers." Why had I not, until now, realized I was following the same thought process? I think I thought I was different.
Well, I'm gonna keep spitting out my dreams and maybe I'll get better ideas on how to make them a reality.
I want to play in a band. Like I'm doing at church. But paid. Tour. Make CD's. Worship God. Make music.
With that, I want to be in the studio making music on other musician's cd's too. Be a studio musician.
I would also like to keep myself in the classical music world. I want it all.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone to ask me, invite me into their pre-formed band that's ready to go be famous. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to do all the work for me.
I have not seriously considered starting my own band. But, maybe I need to. If that's the case, I have a lot more work to do than I thought.
The other options mentioned today were
Military gigs (the uniforms and job security are appealing)
Symphony in C, New Jersy
Chicago Civic
New World, Miami (fellowship)
Orchestra Librarian (dislike the work, but it's work)
Suzuki Teacher
Maybe I should move to Nashville. Audition for the symphony (that's how Edgar Meyer started (he was born in tulsa too!)), start a band, join a band, tour in between concerts, happily ever after set go.
No, but seriously. Maybe that's what I need to do. And in order to get there I should get lessons with somebody in the orchestra, play for people, etc. Also, check out teaching opportunities...But before that I should figure out what to play for them. That means more practice. Doesn't it always?
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Meet and Greet
This morning was one of those mornings. Those mornings where I said I was going to go running with my friend at 7am. But, when my alarm went off, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I secretly wished that she would cancel.
But, she didn't, and in the end I'm glad. We both didn't run much, but we did do our allotted distance of 3 miles. And the conversation was good. As it always is.
The topic at hand was, as artists, we both want to make art that brings honor and glory to God. We have both come to terms with the fact that we love "high" art. But, we dislike the lifestyle that comes with it. And I use the term "high art" loosely. For my side of the conversation, high art is classical music. It's the art that I have gone to school to study and to further my education. But, we have both expressed our desire to serve and to have community with the lower to middle class populace who perhaps don't appreciate high art. You don't have to be super aware of culture to realize the rich and upper class are artists' biggest supporters and benefactors. So, as artists, we seem to be called to a profession where we are isolating ourselves from those who we want to serve. That's a dilemma.
I grew up listening and playing classical music. I study it, listen to it, and perform it. I love it.
However, in High School, I came across rock, bluegrass, country, folk, jazz, and the like. Music by Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Bela Fleck, Nickle Creek, and Allison Krauss- they opened my eyes to a refreshing new world. This whole world of music falls outside the realm of what classical musicians call high art. And, I can honestly say I love that kind of music.
And I realized, sure, maybe the worlds are different. But they both speak to people. They both serve human emotional needs. They're both worthy of being pursued, played, and enjoyed.
So why is it, that when I'm with my classical musicians and I play something reminiscent of bluegrass they curl their lip in disgust and make some snide remark about them only listening and/or playing "real" music.
Feeling like a an unwanted rebellious child I take my love for the alternative to where "it's appropriate" and play and listen to it to my heart's content. But, my heart isn't fully content with this either or business. I want to play both.
Then again, when I bring up a classical music in any of my my non-classical musician friends, I realize I've instantly alienated them. I can see their response, "Isn't that music 200 years old and only rich people listen to it? I don't listen to music that I can't hum the melody."
I feel like a mother with two very different children having to choose between them. I love them both. Why is it that I keep running into people who say and act like I can't love them both?
So, inevitably, not matter who I'm with, I feel the need to defend and justify music. Just saying that sounds wrong. Whatever music people don't play (or listen to), they feel the need to discredit the validity or value. If it's not intimidation, the problem's arrogance. If it isn't deprecation, the problem's idolization.
Maybe I'm getting too defensive. And also, maybe I just haven't figured out how to have the two worlds have a proper meet and greet, and, well, get along.
Consider it on my to do list.
But, she didn't, and in the end I'm glad. We both didn't run much, but we did do our allotted distance of 3 miles. And the conversation was good. As it always is.
The topic at hand was, as artists, we both want to make art that brings honor and glory to God. We have both come to terms with the fact that we love "high" art. But, we dislike the lifestyle that comes with it. And I use the term "high art" loosely. For my side of the conversation, high art is classical music. It's the art that I have gone to school to study and to further my education. But, we have both expressed our desire to serve and to have community with the lower to middle class populace who perhaps don't appreciate high art. You don't have to be super aware of culture to realize the rich and upper class are artists' biggest supporters and benefactors. So, as artists, we seem to be called to a profession where we are isolating ourselves from those who we want to serve. That's a dilemma.
I grew up listening and playing classical music. I study it, listen to it, and perform it. I love it.
However, in High School, I came across rock, bluegrass, country, folk, jazz, and the like. Music by Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Bela Fleck, Nickle Creek, and Allison Krauss- they opened my eyes to a refreshing new world. This whole world of music falls outside the realm of what classical musicians call high art. And, I can honestly say I love that kind of music.
And I realized, sure, maybe the worlds are different. But they both speak to people. They both serve human emotional needs. They're both worthy of being pursued, played, and enjoyed.
So why is it, that when I'm with my classical musicians and I play something reminiscent of bluegrass they curl their lip in disgust and make some snide remark about them only listening and/or playing "real" music.
Feeling like a an unwanted rebellious child I take my love for the alternative to where "it's appropriate" and play and listen to it to my heart's content. But, my heart isn't fully content with this either or business. I want to play both.
Then again, when I bring up a classical music in any of my my non-classical musician friends, I realize I've instantly alienated them. I can see their response, "Isn't that music 200 years old and only rich people listen to it? I don't listen to music that I can't hum the melody."
I feel like a mother with two very different children having to choose between them. I love them both. Why is it that I keep running into people who say and act like I can't love them both?
So, inevitably, not matter who I'm with, I feel the need to defend and justify music. Just saying that sounds wrong. Whatever music people don't play (or listen to), they feel the need to discredit the validity or value. If it's not intimidation, the problem's arrogance. If it isn't deprecation, the problem's idolization.
Maybe I'm getting too defensive. And also, maybe I just haven't figured out how to have the two worlds have a proper meet and greet, and, well, get along.
Consider it on my to do list.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Laborless Days
So, today is Labor Day, and in America that means we celebrate by NOT doing labor. In addition to thinking about all the yummy things to eat and fun people to hang out with, I'm thinking about Art and Soul Bible Study on Wednesday. Why am I thinking about my little Bible study on campus? Well, on Wednesday I get to lead it.
Commence incremental and progressive stress.
Not really. But sorta.
This has been on my heart to do for a while.
But, when it gets down to it, I don't think wanting to do it makes it any easier.
I was (and still am) that student in college who did everything in their power to get out of and avoid aural class presentations. I will write papers twice as long as anyone else in the class if that means I don't have to talk in front of the class. I have done 3 in my entire almost 7 year college career: Dostoevsky's Underground in Western Thought, Elementary Particles in Quantum Physics, and John Adams in 20th Century Music History. In grade school I did one presentation about Alligators and Crocodiles. But, that was in the 5th grade and in front of my mother. I still wound up crying and running to my room afterwards.
In the end, I see those decisions to get out of presenting as poor choices on my part. I realize this and acknowledge it freely. That was a dumb choice for my education. Let's find something I'm afraid of and not good at and run from it in an environment intended for learning. Instead I should have been taking the challenge to learn, improve, and adjust. Well, I'm starting that now. Or, I guess, on Wednesday.
But, talking about something I am passionate about should be easy. Or, so they say. I've been praying all week that God would help me figure out what I should talk about: the ocean, waves, gospel, Levites, art as sacrifice. All very vague and undeveloped. It's like I spent the weekend reading 2nd Chronicles at the beach. Oh, wait, maybe that's because I did.
I know what I need to do: point to Jesus, show where we are, where we need to be, follow up with Grace, and end with the freedom God gave us to live how He intended us to live.
So I'll be starting on that today. On my laborless day.
God is good. God is good all the time.
Commence incremental and progressive stress.
Not really. But sorta.
This has been on my heart to do for a while.
But, when it gets down to it, I don't think wanting to do it makes it any easier.
I was (and still am) that student in college who did everything in their power to get out of and avoid aural class presentations. I will write papers twice as long as anyone else in the class if that means I don't have to talk in front of the class. I have done 3 in my entire almost 7 year college career: Dostoevsky's Underground in Western Thought, Elementary Particles in Quantum Physics, and John Adams in 20th Century Music History. In grade school I did one presentation about Alligators and Crocodiles. But, that was in the 5th grade and in front of my mother. I still wound up crying and running to my room afterwards.
In the end, I see those decisions to get out of presenting as poor choices on my part. I realize this and acknowledge it freely. That was a dumb choice for my education. Let's find something I'm afraid of and not good at and run from it in an environment intended for learning. Instead I should have been taking the challenge to learn, improve, and adjust. Well, I'm starting that now. Or, I guess, on Wednesday.
But, talking about something I am passionate about should be easy. Or, so they say. I've been praying all week that God would help me figure out what I should talk about: the ocean, waves, gospel, Levites, art as sacrifice. All very vague and undeveloped. It's like I spent the weekend reading 2nd Chronicles at the beach. Oh, wait, maybe that's because I did.
I know what I need to do: point to Jesus, show where we are, where we need to be, follow up with Grace, and end with the freedom God gave us to live how He intended us to live.
So I'll be starting on that today. On my laborless day.
God is good. God is good all the time.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Filled with a Cloud
2 Chronicles 5: 12-14
And all the Levites who were singers—all of those of Asaph, Heman, and Jeduthun, with their sons and kinsmen, arrayed in fine linen, having cymbals, harps, and lyres—stood at the east end of the altar, and with them 120 priests blowing trumpets;
And when the trumpeters and singers were joined in unison, making one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and other instruments for song and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever, then the house of the Lord was filled with a cloud,
So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God.
First of all, why have I never noticed this before? The Levites worshiped with one voice praising God and the Lord came into their midst. He not only came into their midst, but filled the place with his presence rendering them unable to worship. All they could do was be encompassed in his presence. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I experience God like that during worship. But, I want to. Yes, I want to.
I don't know where God's taking me. But, there's a lot of questions about worship, ministry, service, sacrifice, and standards of artistic excellence on my heart right now. And, I keep going back to the Levites, the old testament music ministers.
I have a deep desire to be a Levite. A life of worship and leading others in worship. I don't know what that would look like in our modern day church. If there is such a thing, or if that's something God's going to have to regenerate and help me pursue. I honestly don't know. Don't know what he's gonna do, that is. All I can do is study and tend to what He's put on my heart for now.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Fighting with Fire
I hate fights.
As a second/middle child, many of my traits fall into the peace keeper corner. Combine that with my name, which means peace, and it all starts to make sense like it was made up in a corny fairy tale.
Being surrounded with "qualities of peace" does that mean that conflict never happens? Oh, on the contrary. It's just that whenever conflict does happen- it must be resolved. Immediately. Lasting conflict makes me ill.
On Wednesday our young adult church group did a game/exercise where we pretended we were at a conference in front of thousands of people. We would be called on the spot and given a random topic to speak on. We would then have to explain the gospel through whatever topic we were given. There were a lot of "interesting" topics: hair spray, bubble gum, even sky scrapers. It was impossible not to be doubled over in laughter for most of these. However, there were also a few that literally took my breath away at how God managed to use a random topic to show his plan for us. One of them was charcoal. The other was candles.
I won't attempt at recreating what was said. But, what spoke to me most was God sometimes has to throw us into the fire to make us straight. Fights make me feel like I'm being thrown in the fire. And probably most important, and most painful, when I'm thrown in the fire my sinful nature rages in protest. In the fire, I see what I'm holding onto, or what's keeping me from being more like Christ.
That's why I hate fights. Sure, I might in fact be a peace keeper. But, most importantly, I hate fights because I'm sinful. It's impossible to be in a fight and not be reminded that you are not as good as you pretend to be.
So, here's to being thrown in the fire and allowing God to burn anything that's not of Him.
As a second/middle child, many of my traits fall into the peace keeper corner. Combine that with my name, which means peace, and it all starts to make sense like it was made up in a corny fairy tale.
Being surrounded with "qualities of peace" does that mean that conflict never happens? Oh, on the contrary. It's just that whenever conflict does happen- it must be resolved. Immediately. Lasting conflict makes me ill.
On Wednesday our young adult church group did a game/exercise where we pretended we were at a conference in front of thousands of people. We would be called on the spot and given a random topic to speak on. We would then have to explain the gospel through whatever topic we were given. There were a lot of "interesting" topics: hair spray, bubble gum, even sky scrapers. It was impossible not to be doubled over in laughter for most of these. However, there were also a few that literally took my breath away at how God managed to use a random topic to show his plan for us. One of them was charcoal. The other was candles.
I won't attempt at recreating what was said. But, what spoke to me most was God sometimes has to throw us into the fire to make us straight. Fights make me feel like I'm being thrown in the fire. And probably most important, and most painful, when I'm thrown in the fire my sinful nature rages in protest. In the fire, I see what I'm holding onto, or what's keeping me from being more like Christ.
That's why I hate fights. Sure, I might in fact be a peace keeper. But, most importantly, I hate fights because I'm sinful. It's impossible to be in a fight and not be reminded that you are not as good as you pretend to be.
So, here's to being thrown in the fire and allowing God to burn anything that's not of Him.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Finish Rejoicing
Appreciation
That's what's on my mind from yesterday.
It's a simple thing really. Are you by nature a thankful person? Do you have the ability to see other peoples actions and see in them the sacrifice?
I have the pride that says, yes, I am able to see people's sacrifices (or lack thereof) and adequately judge them and their value. Hmmm, that's a pretty dangerous statement if I do say so myself.
Yesterday, I heard an amazing presentation of the gospel. In fact, I tried to give it myself in miniature form. But, I don't think it came out quite like I intended, so I'll try again here.
So this idea of value is really a reflection of something bigger than ourselves: God. Do you value Christ? Because, say you don't, that means you value something else more, and it probably winds up being you. And who here can say in all honesty that they always value Christ in the way due Him. That's a trick question, btw.
But, not to get ahead of myself. I realized yesterday I had reached the point of being angry at God and I didn't even know what about. I was praying, but I wasn't enjoying it. I was singing, but it felt empty. I read my Bible but nothing spoke to me. I didn't fully understand it at the time, but I knew I needed to start thanking God. Thanking God for my car, for my house, for my parents, for my rent, for taking care of me, for being good, for blessing me, for saving me. And, there it was. I didn't even know it, but I had lost my appreciation for the very thing Christ did for me.
I tend to say things blow my mind a lot, but this really blew my mind. When I lose appreciation for what Christ has done, I lose sight of everything else. My perspective becomes skewed- if I'm not valuing the everyday things that affirm God's love for me, how can I value God's ultimate expression of love for me? Taking it the next step further, if I don't act and respond like God loves me, how can I believe God loves me? I have no confidence, no value in myself, no hope. Nothing makes me angrier than being hopeless. Anger had snuck into my life without me even realizing who, what, when, where, or why.
Let's never forget "the Joy of the Lord is my strength". His strength over death and sin is now mine. In that I can and will rejoice.
That's what's on my mind from yesterday.
It's a simple thing really. Are you by nature a thankful person? Do you have the ability to see other peoples actions and see in them the sacrifice?
I have the pride that says, yes, I am able to see people's sacrifices (or lack thereof) and adequately judge them and their value. Hmmm, that's a pretty dangerous statement if I do say so myself.
Yesterday, I heard an amazing presentation of the gospel. In fact, I tried to give it myself in miniature form. But, I don't think it came out quite like I intended, so I'll try again here.
So this idea of value is really a reflection of something bigger than ourselves: God. Do you value Christ? Because, say you don't, that means you value something else more, and it probably winds up being you. And who here can say in all honesty that they always value Christ in the way due Him. That's a trick question, btw.
But, not to get ahead of myself. I realized yesterday I had reached the point of being angry at God and I didn't even know what about. I was praying, but I wasn't enjoying it. I was singing, but it felt empty. I read my Bible but nothing spoke to me. I didn't fully understand it at the time, but I knew I needed to start thanking God. Thanking God for my car, for my house, for my parents, for my rent, for taking care of me, for being good, for blessing me, for saving me. And, there it was. I didn't even know it, but I had lost my appreciation for the very thing Christ did for me.
I tend to say things blow my mind a lot, but this really blew my mind. When I lose appreciation for what Christ has done, I lose sight of everything else. My perspective becomes skewed- if I'm not valuing the everyday things that affirm God's love for me, how can I value God's ultimate expression of love for me? Taking it the next step further, if I don't act and respond like God loves me, how can I believe God loves me? I have no confidence, no value in myself, no hope. Nothing makes me angrier than being hopeless. Anger had snuck into my life without me even realizing who, what, when, where, or why.
Let's never forget "the Joy of the Lord is my strength". His strength over death and sin is now mine. In that I can and will rejoice.
"I started the work weeping, I finished it rejoicing."
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Honesty
I don't really know where I'm going with this post, honestly...
But, speaking of honesty. I've realized lately, honesty is one of the hardest things to come by. And, I'm not just talking about one directional honesty from from one person to you, but a level of trust where you can be honest with someone else and they with you. Why is it, that I've been praying for someone to come into my life to really call me out on my weaknesses and it seems to be fulfilled by a non-Christian? That one stumps me. God you work in mysterious ways.
I've been asking God "what is keeping me from being ready for a relationship?". "Where do I need to grow the most?". When you ask those sort of questions, you usually have a vague idea of what it will be. But, it's not until you see your weaknesses from someone else's perspective that it really starts to make sense. Sense in how detrimental your behavior, your reactions even, are to your friendships and relationships.
I don't really know where I got it from, but I run. I run and hide. I imagine myself seeing shadows on the wall, and the appear taller, more terrible than what they are in real life. Emotional attachment (or just emotions in general) blown out of proportion. Life's demanding and seemingly insurmountable responsibilities. And, of course the only reasonable response to seeing something that scares you is to go where you feel safe and in control: Your own contrived little world that fits in neat little boxes.
I battle a grandiose perspective with a tendency to ignore what is really going on around me. How's that for honesty?
Today, as I know it, I finally believe that girls and guys cannot be just friends. Sure, I heard that angering gem of a statement my Freshman year of college. But upon hearing it, I was determined to prove the world and apparently my inherent nature wrong. However, I've come to agree with this statement over the past few years. But, it wasn't until today that I truly believed it. Believed it, because I finally acted on it. Before it was just a theory. Now it is something that influenced my behavior and my choices.
Back to that honesty thing. I'm still soaking in the painful criticism of how I present myself and treat others. This isn't something that comes along everyday, in fact it seldom comes along these days. And, as painful as criticism always is, I think I'm finally ready to the point where I want it.
Here's my immediate list of things I need to "fix". I'm afraid.
Fear- it's the biggest hindrance in my life as I know it. I base so many of my decisions or change what I really want to do out of fear.
Fear of being hurt. Turned down. Rejected. Ignored. Passed over.
I remember there was a guy who I admired, hoped for, and prayed for, but I didn't have the courage to say anything. Not a word. Out of fear of not being worthy, enough, or what he would want. Because of fear, I froze and watched as he unknowingly "passed me by" for someone else. The point of remembering that is not to relive the fantasy of what if, but what if I didn't make my choices based on fear? I allow fear to confirm everything it tells me.
Fear of failure. Trying something and realizing my effort, talent, ability just wasn't enough. That maybe I should have stuck with the "safer path". This one is still an in-process daily battle.
Fear of hurting other people. That they won't be able to take my honesty. That their inevitable emotional breakdown is and will be my fault. There's a background of backhanded pride buried in that one.
There's responsibility in being honest. In reality, lying has fewer consequences than the truth. All because it doesn't mean anything. Lies are empty, meaningless words. This mostly stems from past hurt. And yet, it still dictates my present reactions to people.
This isn't something I'm going to be able to write a single blog post on and bam, I'll have it all figured out and fixed. In fact, what I probably need most right now is time to process, and process some more. All I hope is that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll pick up where I left off in the morning. Or something like that.
But, speaking of honesty. I've realized lately, honesty is one of the hardest things to come by. And, I'm not just talking about one directional honesty from from one person to you, but a level of trust where you can be honest with someone else and they with you. Why is it, that I've been praying for someone to come into my life to really call me out on my weaknesses and it seems to be fulfilled by a non-Christian? That one stumps me. God you work in mysterious ways.
I've been asking God "what is keeping me from being ready for a relationship?". "Where do I need to grow the most?". When you ask those sort of questions, you usually have a vague idea of what it will be. But, it's not until you see your weaknesses from someone else's perspective that it really starts to make sense. Sense in how detrimental your behavior, your reactions even, are to your friendships and relationships.
I don't really know where I got it from, but I run. I run and hide. I imagine myself seeing shadows on the wall, and the appear taller, more terrible than what they are in real life. Emotional attachment (or just emotions in general) blown out of proportion. Life's demanding and seemingly insurmountable responsibilities. And, of course the only reasonable response to seeing something that scares you is to go where you feel safe and in control: Your own contrived little world that fits in neat little boxes.
I battle a grandiose perspective with a tendency to ignore what is really going on around me. How's that for honesty?
Today, as I know it, I finally believe that girls and guys cannot be just friends. Sure, I heard that angering gem of a statement my Freshman year of college. But upon hearing it, I was determined to prove the world and apparently my inherent nature wrong. However, I've come to agree with this statement over the past few years. But, it wasn't until today that I truly believed it. Believed it, because I finally acted on it. Before it was just a theory. Now it is something that influenced my behavior and my choices.
Back to that honesty thing. I'm still soaking in the painful criticism of how I present myself and treat others. This isn't something that comes along everyday, in fact it seldom comes along these days. And, as painful as criticism always is, I think I'm finally ready to the point where I want it.
Here's my immediate list of things I need to "fix". I'm afraid.
Fear- it's the biggest hindrance in my life as I know it. I base so many of my decisions or change what I really want to do out of fear.
Fear of being hurt. Turned down. Rejected. Ignored. Passed over.
I remember there was a guy who I admired, hoped for, and prayed for, but I didn't have the courage to say anything. Not a word. Out of fear of not being worthy, enough, or what he would want. Because of fear, I froze and watched as he unknowingly "passed me by" for someone else. The point of remembering that is not to relive the fantasy of what if, but what if I didn't make my choices based on fear? I allow fear to confirm everything it tells me.
Fear of failure. Trying something and realizing my effort, talent, ability just wasn't enough. That maybe I should have stuck with the "safer path". This one is still an in-process daily battle.
Fear of hurting other people. That they won't be able to take my honesty. That their inevitable emotional breakdown is and will be my fault. There's a background of backhanded pride buried in that one.
There's responsibility in being honest. In reality, lying has fewer consequences than the truth. All because it doesn't mean anything. Lies are empty, meaningless words. This mostly stems from past hurt. And yet, it still dictates my present reactions to people.
This isn't something I'm going to be able to write a single blog post on and bam, I'll have it all figured out and fixed. In fact, what I probably need most right now is time to process, and process some more. All I hope is that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll pick up where I left off in the morning. Or something like that.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Reserved 29F
Why does it have to be this way?
I wish I could be forgotten
and mingle within the voices of the hall
The raindrops hit my forehead
they make more of an impact
than my tears
The older I stretch my eyes
they farther they see
the dimmer the clarity
of life before me
The grass has not lost its green
the reds have darkened all around
I am forever lost
and will not be found
The complexities of where I am today
seem to be lost within
where I was when I was
found in the wonders of yesterday
The more I give
the more I lose
what else is there
if not to see what there is left
behind those eyes
struggling with life's hidden lies
I the see the smoke and walk
no preemptive breaths
to prepare my lungs and eyes
for the coming burn
The window panes are clear
holding nothing back
but me from entering
I can barely keep back
my desire to break you
hoping something you have
will answer my questions
but I should know better
when I look through the window
and see my own reflection
(written 2009)
I wish I could be forgottenand mingle within the voices of the hall
The raindrops hit my forehead
they make more of an impact
than my tears
The older I stretch my eyes
they farther they see
the dimmer the clarity
of life before me
The grass has not lost its green
the reds have darkened all around
I am forever lost
and will not be found
The complexities of where I am today
seem to be lost within
where I was when I was
found in the wonders of yesterday
The more I give
the more I lose
what else is there
if not to see what there is left
behind those eyes
struggling with life's hidden lies
I the see the smoke and walk
no preemptive breaths
to prepare my lungs and eyes
for the coming burn
The window panes are clear
holding nothing back
but me from entering
I can barely keep back
my desire to break you
hoping something you have
will answer my questions
but I should know better
when I look through the window
and see my own reflection
(written 2009)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
What's in a name?
I know I'm not in the least bit consistent with writing on here, but when the the inspiration comes, I go with it. I just finished reading a blog about names being prophetic. The line between the name making the person and the person making the name can be blurry. Either way I would agree that it seems to happen, and I think it's pretty cool.
I periodically think about the meaning of my name, but lately I've been thinking about it a lot. In fact, it's been a big part of my prayer life. Growing up, my parents were good to remind me why they named me what they did. When my mother was pregnant with me she came across:
All that said, I think it's pretty empowering knowing God had this name for me. I want to actively live my name, so that when people see me they see they see the attributes of God. It's a pretty tall order, but that's what I'm praying for.
So, I know what I was named after. But, my parents still had to choose a name to fit those attributes. So, what do the names my parents chose mean?
Rachel- Little Lamb, gentle innocence, poetically: beautiful, well-favored,
Lindsay- My mother told me growing up it meant, refreshing stream. The camp near the stream, from the Linden Tree Island. I had no idea what a linden tree was so I looked them up. Jimmy's blog had something on trees too. Apparently the language of flowers lists American Linden meaning matrimony. Interesting...
Fellows- is a name given to a friend and comrade. From the Old English word Feolaza, it means partner or shareholder. If this isn't good enough, my favorite part is the surname motto: Patience and Perseverance with Magnanimity.
I love how perseverance is the core of what my Scottish heritage motto is: Disce Pati which means learn to suffer. A better translation is learn to endure.
I don't know about you, but I love definitions. Fellows had some big words that are worth delving into and processing.
pa·tience
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
per·se·ver·ance
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2. Theology . continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.
mag·nan·i·mous
1. generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness: to be magnanimous toward one's enemies.
2. high-minded; noble: a just and magnanimous ruler.
3. proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.: a magnanimous gesture of forgiveness.
I periodically think about the meaning of my name, but lately I've been thinking about it a lot. In fact, it's been a big part of my prayer life. Growing up, my parents were good to remind me why they named me what they did. When my mother was pregnant with me she came across:
Isaiah 55:12 "For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and the trees of the fields will clap their hands."I was named after joy and peace.
All that said, I think it's pretty empowering knowing God had this name for me. I want to actively live my name, so that when people see me they see they see the attributes of God. It's a pretty tall order, but that's what I'm praying for.
So, I know what I was named after. But, my parents still had to choose a name to fit those attributes. So, what do the names my parents chose mean?
Rachel- Little Lamb, gentle innocence, poetically: beautiful, well-favored,
Lindsay- My mother told me growing up it meant, refreshing stream. The camp near the stream, from the Linden Tree Island. I had no idea what a linden tree was so I looked them up. Jimmy's blog had something on trees too. Apparently the language of flowers lists American Linden meaning matrimony. Interesting...
Fellows- is a name given to a friend and comrade. From the Old English word Feolaza, it means partner or shareholder. If this isn't good enough, my favorite part is the surname motto: Patience and Perseverance with Magnanimity.
I love how perseverance is the core of what my Scottish heritage motto is: Disce Pati which means learn to suffer. A better translation is learn to endure.
I don't know about you, but I love definitions. Fellows had some big words that are worth delving into and processing.
pa·tience
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
per·se·ver·ance
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2. Theology . continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.
mag·nan·i·mous
1. generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness: to be magnanimous toward one's enemies.
2. high-minded; noble: a just and magnanimous ruler.
3. proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.: a magnanimous gesture of forgiveness.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
A Day Older
So I woke up yesterday, after the 3rd night in my new house, and honestly forgot about my birthday. It wasn't until a while later getting ready for Tennis with Joelle that I was like "Oh, yeah. I'm 25 today." Weird. Scary. Birthdays make me think thoughts of "shouldn't I have things figured out by now?" Of course it's all swallowed up by a conforming feeling that it's just another day.Of course another day closer to the undetermined but looming idea that by "this point" I'll have my dreams "truly figured out" and materialized.
I'll be a grown up-be mature as required by the amount of life experience lived. Because obviously the longer we live on this earth the less we should be able to break out of our self made idea boxes and do just whatever we feel like. Whether that's walk down the street like a loony and oh, I don't know, stop to smell the roses, look at them dissect them (and the bugs), draw them, imagine the world as a flower .
What confuses me most is figuring out my dreams seems to be the hardest part. At what point do I, as a responsible Christian, citizen, daughter, and sister take the dept and expectations I have and start returning them whatever way I can?
If I have a dream- say I do- What if it's completely different than what everyone else (intentional or not) has decided and anticipated on me following. This road, different than the road traveled, is breath taking. Like punching, wind knocking, look over a cliff breath taking. But I can't stop looking in that direction.
God, I'm a people pleaser.
It's really easier to do what man tells you to do. If it goes bad, it's not only not your fault but you have the permanent scape goat that if you had been following your own gut or "thought" about praying you could have done the impossible.
Following God is completely life threatening. There's no holding back, for if you do you lose it all. You follow God or you don't. But, does following God always secure the successful ending? The ending where all's as it should be "happy with everything in its place"? Dream's trophies on the mantle, shining in the glory of a life well lived.
Sadly, no. Or, is it sad?
Here's a thought I heard from a musician speaker at church: There's nothing like living within reach of your dream. Failure is never an option when you're living what you want most. But the idea of that failure never goes away. And it so successfully keeps those who can't stand losing the game they want, to play half heartedly at the games they weren't made for, and don't love.
Theory, jazz improv, composition, all of these things I need to be doing. They make me think, make me learn to employ what I want to do when I want to do it.
In the last few months I've been thinking a lot about suffering. And, I guess that's the deal. Living a life I was made for and it not be appreciated, acknowledged, or whatever is the thing that brings us closest to the feelings of Christ at the cross.
Now, is that what God wants us to feel and experience? At this point I'm adamantly screaming, "That CAN'T be right! Surely that's not what He has planned for me."
But, the world is full of "failures". Is our view of success so warped by sin that we don't know it when we see it? Or is it that mysterious idea that losing at our game, the one we have planned out for ourselves, is really winning. What about "give your best to the Lord"? Of course He wants it. Duh. But to think our best is going to do anything. Anything! Well that seems wrong.
I got another Elizabeth Elliot book: "Let me be a woman" I'm interested and scared by what she has to say. I don't like what she says half the time (while I know that it's good). Then the other half I can barely swallow it, it seems so unnecessarily restricting. I don't know. Her books make me think.
I think about how Jim Elliot died. Did he fulfill his dream? His dream was to follow the Lord. But, within that dream (I think it's safe to say), he wanted people to come to Christ in the jungle. So dying at the very hands of the people he wanted to save- is that not completely failing? Anyone with any wisdom would realize, of course not. Those who got saved did so because he died. He made an impact for Christ because he failed. By failing he won. By Jim failing Christ won that day.
And that's the point where I really do question myself. Is my dream, first, to follow Christ? Am I ready to die for that? At this point I usually retort why couldn't Jim have run away? Would that be a sin? Would that be wrong? But, then knowing how it turned out with him dying, would him living have been as fruitful?
God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Only God is in charge of life and death.
I just don't understand when saving/trying to save our life is ever a good idea. Is it ever? Will it ever lead to as powerful a manifestation of God's glory? I don't have the answers. I'm only 25 and a couple of hours. God you know things, you see things, you do things that I have no concept of. Let me know what you know, let me see what you see, and let me do what you do. If I cannot, give me the strength, faith, and boldness to live that knowing you is enough. That knowing you and following you is enough.
I'll be a grown up-be mature as required by the amount of life experience lived. Because obviously the longer we live on this earth the less we should be able to break out of our self made idea boxes and do just whatever we feel like. Whether that's walk down the street like a loony and oh, I don't know, stop to smell the roses, look at them dissect them (and the bugs), draw them, imagine the world as a flower .
What confuses me most is figuring out my dreams seems to be the hardest part. At what point do I, as a responsible Christian, citizen, daughter, and sister take the dept and expectations I have and start returning them whatever way I can?
If I have a dream- say I do- What if it's completely different than what everyone else (intentional or not) has decided and anticipated on me following. This road, different than the road traveled, is breath taking. Like punching, wind knocking, look over a cliff breath taking. But I can't stop looking in that direction.
God, I'm a people pleaser.
It's really easier to do what man tells you to do. If it goes bad, it's not only not your fault but you have the permanent scape goat that if you had been following your own gut or "thought" about praying you could have done the impossible.
Following God is completely life threatening. There's no holding back, for if you do you lose it all. You follow God or you don't. But, does following God always secure the successful ending? The ending where all's as it should be "happy with everything in its place"? Dream's trophies on the mantle, shining in the glory of a life well lived.
Sadly, no. Or, is it sad?
Here's a thought I heard from a musician speaker at church: There's nothing like living within reach of your dream. Failure is never an option when you're living what you want most. But the idea of that failure never goes away. And it so successfully keeps those who can't stand losing the game they want, to play half heartedly at the games they weren't made for, and don't love.
Theory, jazz improv, composition, all of these things I need to be doing. They make me think, make me learn to employ what I want to do when I want to do it.
In the last few months I've been thinking a lot about suffering. And, I guess that's the deal. Living a life I was made for and it not be appreciated, acknowledged, or whatever is the thing that brings us closest to the feelings of Christ at the cross.
Now, is that what God wants us to feel and experience? At this point I'm adamantly screaming, "That CAN'T be right! Surely that's not what He has planned for me."
But, the world is full of "failures". Is our view of success so warped by sin that we don't know it when we see it? Or is it that mysterious idea that losing at our game, the one we have planned out for ourselves, is really winning. What about "give your best to the Lord"? Of course He wants it. Duh. But to think our best is going to do anything. Anything! Well that seems wrong.
I got another Elizabeth Elliot book: "Let me be a woman" I'm interested and scared by what she has to say. I don't like what she says half the time (while I know that it's good). Then the other half I can barely swallow it, it seems so unnecessarily restricting. I don't know. Her books make me think.
I think about how Jim Elliot died. Did he fulfill his dream? His dream was to follow the Lord. But, within that dream (I think it's safe to say), he wanted people to come to Christ in the jungle. So dying at the very hands of the people he wanted to save- is that not completely failing? Anyone with any wisdom would realize, of course not. Those who got saved did so because he died. He made an impact for Christ because he failed. By failing he won. By Jim failing Christ won that day.
And that's the point where I really do question myself. Is my dream, first, to follow Christ? Am I ready to die for that? At this point I usually retort why couldn't Jim have run away? Would that be a sin? Would that be wrong? But, then knowing how it turned out with him dying, would him living have been as fruitful?
God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Only God is in charge of life and death.
I just don't understand when saving/trying to save our life is ever a good idea. Is it ever? Will it ever lead to as powerful a manifestation of God's glory? I don't have the answers. I'm only 25 and a couple of hours. God you know things, you see things, you do things that I have no concept of. Let me know what you know, let me see what you see, and let me do what you do. If I cannot, give me the strength, faith, and boldness to live that knowing you is enough. That knowing you and following you is enough.
Monday, May 21, 2012
My 25
So, it's my birthday and here's my obligatory birthday posting. I woke up this morning legitimately forgetting that it was my birthday. Wasn't until later that I realized, "oh yeah, I'm 25 years old today".
Most of my birthday posts revolve around the consistent topic of adulthood, responsibility, the future, and my general confusion as to why I keep expecting myself to know what I'm doing.
But, that's all been said before. It's all the same, changing slightly with each year of course, but generally the same. Instead I thought I would talk about what God gave me this morning.
If you could ask for a gift what would it be? Well, right now I can't think of one much better than an answer to prayer. I realize I'd been asking and praying for a lot of things lately. Look back at your journal sometime, you'll be shocked at all that goes through your mind and heart. I realized earlier this year that there are a few things I want to do and to be known for. Even if it's just between me and God. Some of them might seem unconnected, but here they are: embody the name God gave me- peace, be a prolific letter writer, be a woman of faith, be a woman of prayer, be bold for Christ, commune with God more, love and know my family better, and lead my school friends to the Lord.
God gave me some answers to prayer today that really were some of the best birthday gifts I could have asked for. This past week has been a stressful whirlwind in more ways than I can count. But, on top of it all, the blessings have been pouring out from every direction. It has been such a blessing to breath in the peace that God has had just waiting for me.
Monday night, Hannah's and my town house flooded. Every room, except mine, flooded to some degree. Nothing was permanently damaged except the flooring. Not even my computer which happened to be sitting in the middle of a puddle on the floor when I found it. None the less, being invaded by natural disaster is inconvenient, to say the least, as well as disruptive. Hannah and I were forced to move out after 2 days due to ripped up flooring, wretched smell, and headaches from the mildew. God was good to have a house ready and waiting for me and available to Hannah for her last week in town.
Thursday, I left town for an orchestra gig for the weekend. It was difficult staying in a hotel when I hadn't packed well due to the mess of "real" packing and not being able to find anything. Not to mention, my poor roommates being left with all of my boxes everywhere. There's only one thing I hate more than packing, and that's unpacking.
Today, my birthday, my Grandpa passes away. He was suffering from Alzheimer's, deafness, blindness, skin cancer, diabetes, and who knows what else. I rest in the fact that he is with the Lord today.
The answers to prayer really start back with Christmas. Over Christmas break I prayed and decided I was changing churches. How is that an answer to prayer? Well, I had been wanting to know my parents more and be able to to talk to them about important spiritual things. This provided a wonderful opportunity to do that. I had a lot of questions as far as why we stayed at the churches we did growing up, what my parents liked about certain churches, what they looked for, and even what they believed in. It was very a great way to get to know my parents more. And for that I am so thankful. I think and hope that it has opened doors for further future exploration and discussion.
I look over the past semester and am also reminded of God's assurance and provision in supplying the boldness I need in the situations he wants to use me in. From running and encouraging in the park, street reach downtown, personally praying with and for my neighbors, to talking and sharing my testimony with my friends. It really is about following God in faith in the day to day. God is good. He's been answering my prayer without me even fully realizing it.
I have loved writing letters ever since I can remember. I still get so excited when I get a letter in the mail. But, for whatever reason, whether feeling like it's out of fashion, to feeling like I don't have the time, I haven't written a real letter since High School. This semester alone, I have written countless letters to friends encouraging them with prayer, verses, inspiring quotes, or whatever else I can find. And you know what I've realized? First of all, people love getting letters. In letters you can be as sentimental as a Hallmark card or as inspirational and encouraging as you wish you could be all the time. I write how I wish I could speak and say the things I wish I could say. God's been good about reminding me to stop wishing and to start doing. Even if it's as little as a writing a letter. As long as I start doing, he can use it.
Prayer. I can't wrap my head around it. And, I don't intend to anytime soon. After having some incredible encouraging words from the Lord through trusted friends, I realized God is waiting for me to ask. "Ask and you shall receive". God has things waiting for me, that He's eager to give to me when I ready enough to ask for it. I'll hit the most recent highlights. My roommate applied for a fellowship in NY that is not only an awesome opportunity for experience but centralizes her for prime career and employment advancement following the internship. She didn't get it. But, when I heard about that, I heard God say "Pray for that. I'm going to give that to her." Personally, I was a little confused. "But, God, if you're gonna give that to her, why do I need to pray for it?" Well, God said, in the way that He does to me sometimes, reminding me who's in charge "Just do it." Okay, God, you got it. Sure enough, in 2 weeks she gets an email saying she's been accepted! How awesome is that? I still can't get around God's goodness and how when God says something He follows through.
After all that spiritual goodness I feel like I can't not have a year's hopeful to-do list on my birthday post. So here some things that I want for the upcoming year: learn Spanish, write and learn to public speak better and more confidently (speaking in front of people scares me more than anything I can think of), memorize more of the Bible, and continue pursuing and developing non-traditional musical outlets.
So, yeah. This is what God has been and is doing in my life right now.
Most of my birthday posts revolve around the consistent topic of adulthood, responsibility, the future, and my general confusion as to why I keep expecting myself to know what I'm doing.
But, that's all been said before. It's all the same, changing slightly with each year of course, but generally the same. Instead I thought I would talk about what God gave me this morning.
If you could ask for a gift what would it be? Well, right now I can't think of one much better than an answer to prayer. I realize I'd been asking and praying for a lot of things lately. Look back at your journal sometime, you'll be shocked at all that goes through your mind and heart. I realized earlier this year that there are a few things I want to do and to be known for. Even if it's just between me and God. Some of them might seem unconnected, but here they are: embody the name God gave me- peace, be a prolific letter writer, be a woman of faith, be a woman of prayer, be bold for Christ, commune with God more, love and know my family better, and lead my school friends to the Lord.
God gave me some answers to prayer today that really were some of the best birthday gifts I could have asked for. This past week has been a stressful whirlwind in more ways than I can count. But, on top of it all, the blessings have been pouring out from every direction. It has been such a blessing to breath in the peace that God has had just waiting for me.
Monday night, Hannah's and my town house flooded. Every room, except mine, flooded to some degree. Nothing was permanently damaged except the flooring. Not even my computer which happened to be sitting in the middle of a puddle on the floor when I found it. None the less, being invaded by natural disaster is inconvenient, to say the least, as well as disruptive. Hannah and I were forced to move out after 2 days due to ripped up flooring, wretched smell, and headaches from the mildew. God was good to have a house ready and waiting for me and available to Hannah for her last week in town.
Thursday, I left town for an orchestra gig for the weekend. It was difficult staying in a hotel when I hadn't packed well due to the mess of "real" packing and not being able to find anything. Not to mention, my poor roommates being left with all of my boxes everywhere. There's only one thing I hate more than packing, and that's unpacking.
Today, my birthday, my Grandpa passes away. He was suffering from Alzheimer's, deafness, blindness, skin cancer, diabetes, and who knows what else. I rest in the fact that he is with the Lord today.
The answers to prayer really start back with Christmas. Over Christmas break I prayed and decided I was changing churches. How is that an answer to prayer? Well, I had been wanting to know my parents more and be able to to talk to them about important spiritual things. This provided a wonderful opportunity to do that. I had a lot of questions as far as why we stayed at the churches we did growing up, what my parents liked about certain churches, what they looked for, and even what they believed in. It was very a great way to get to know my parents more. And for that I am so thankful. I think and hope that it has opened doors for further future exploration and discussion.
I look over the past semester and am also reminded of God's assurance and provision in supplying the boldness I need in the situations he wants to use me in. From running and encouraging in the park, street reach downtown, personally praying with and for my neighbors, to talking and sharing my testimony with my friends. It really is about following God in faith in the day to day. God is good. He's been answering my prayer without me even fully realizing it.
I have loved writing letters ever since I can remember. I still get so excited when I get a letter in the mail. But, for whatever reason, whether feeling like it's out of fashion, to feeling like I don't have the time, I haven't written a real letter since High School. This semester alone, I have written countless letters to friends encouraging them with prayer, verses, inspiring quotes, or whatever else I can find. And you know what I've realized? First of all, people love getting letters. In letters you can be as sentimental as a Hallmark card or as inspirational and encouraging as you wish you could be all the time. I write how I wish I could speak and say the things I wish I could say. God's been good about reminding me to stop wishing and to start doing. Even if it's as little as a writing a letter. As long as I start doing, he can use it.
Prayer. I can't wrap my head around it. And, I don't intend to anytime soon. After having some incredible encouraging words from the Lord through trusted friends, I realized God is waiting for me to ask. "Ask and you shall receive". God has things waiting for me, that He's eager to give to me when I ready enough to ask for it. I'll hit the most recent highlights. My roommate applied for a fellowship in NY that is not only an awesome opportunity for experience but centralizes her for prime career and employment advancement following the internship. She didn't get it. But, when I heard about that, I heard God say "Pray for that. I'm going to give that to her." Personally, I was a little confused. "But, God, if you're gonna give that to her, why do I need to pray for it?" Well, God said, in the way that He does to me sometimes, reminding me who's in charge "Just do it." Okay, God, you got it. Sure enough, in 2 weeks she gets an email saying she's been accepted! How awesome is that? I still can't get around God's goodness and how when God says something He follows through.
After all that spiritual goodness I feel like I can't not have a year's hopeful to-do list on my birthday post. So here some things that I want for the upcoming year: learn Spanish, write and learn to public speak better and more confidently (speaking in front of people scares me more than anything I can think of), memorize more of the Bible, and continue pursuing and developing non-traditional musical outlets.
So, yeah. This is what God has been and is doing in my life right now.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Requiems and Worship
Well, first of all, this post certainly got me thinking. My initial response to Corinna da Fonseca-Wollheim was, I bet you she's not a musician. But, before I go much further, here's the link to the article I'll be more or less referencing. No guarantees that what she writes about is all that I write about.
Talk about a conversation starter, right? I mean what to address first, there are so many options. Before we get to the "Closer to God" bit, let's just have a moment to discuss classical music genius.
First, I believe that Mozart and Bach are the revered composers they are today because of their ability to support and integrate the meaning of the text within their music. When I perform these sacred works, I may not understand the direct translation of what the vocalists are singing, but through the music I instinctively know what is being communicated. If all the power were merely in the text, Bach and Mozart would not have done their job. These works are masterpieces because of the power of both the music and the text. If it was just one or the other, I know they would not be revered such as they are. But, let's get one thing straight. When I perform a work like Mozart's Requiem, I make it a point to read the text. Yes, by listening to the music, I could roughly determine what the composer chose to communicate through text. But, they're master works because of the integration (not the isolation) of text and music. I agree with Corinna that failing to study both, would only be a disservice to the audience (or congregation) as well as the composer. However, I think it's excessive to be asking the musicians to have both the text and the music memorized for the performance.
Let's move on to the title: Can Classical Music Bring You Closer to God? I'll admit, my most cherished memories of worship to God have in fact been playing such pieces as Faure's and Mozart's Requiem, and ever Mahler's Symphony No. 2 "The Resurrection". Some of them have been for paying audiences, others for church congregations. They have all been opportunities for me to worship, or (as Corinna puts it) moments to be brought closer to God. I'll repeat that for good measure. I can and do worship God regardless of the audience, the building, or the music. That might ruffle some feathers. If you've ever been to church, you'll have heard church "worship music". From church to church it can sound vastly different. For certain, whatever church you go to it will sound different than your classical music requiem as performed by your local orchestra. My personal feeling on the matter is this: God can be and is worshiped with music (Yes, God can be worshiped other ways, but let's not open pandora's box). Stop trying to put labels on what type of music God likes. Music is Music.
I'll end this by saying, what an example for believing artists today that the forefathers of our faith and music took such detail to give God their best.
Talk about a conversation starter, right? I mean what to address first, there are so many options. Before we get to the "Closer to God" bit, let's just have a moment to discuss classical music genius.
First, I believe that Mozart and Bach are the revered composers they are today because of their ability to support and integrate the meaning of the text within their music. When I perform these sacred works, I may not understand the direct translation of what the vocalists are singing, but through the music I instinctively know what is being communicated. If all the power were merely in the text, Bach and Mozart would not have done their job. These works are masterpieces because of the power of both the music and the text. If it was just one or the other, I know they would not be revered such as they are. But, let's get one thing straight. When I perform a work like Mozart's Requiem, I make it a point to read the text. Yes, by listening to the music, I could roughly determine what the composer chose to communicate through text. But, they're master works because of the integration (not the isolation) of text and music. I agree with Corinna that failing to study both, would only be a disservice to the audience (or congregation) as well as the composer. However, I think it's excessive to be asking the musicians to have both the text and the music memorized for the performance.
Let's move on to the title: Can Classical Music Bring You Closer to God? I'll admit, my most cherished memories of worship to God have in fact been playing such pieces as Faure's and Mozart's Requiem, and ever Mahler's Symphony No. 2 "The Resurrection". Some of them have been for paying audiences, others for church congregations. They have all been opportunities for me to worship, or (as Corinna puts it) moments to be brought closer to God. I'll repeat that for good measure. I can and do worship God regardless of the audience, the building, or the music. That might ruffle some feathers. If you've ever been to church, you'll have heard church "worship music". From church to church it can sound vastly different. For certain, whatever church you go to it will sound different than your classical music requiem as performed by your local orchestra. My personal feeling on the matter is this: God can be and is worshiped with music (Yes, God can be worshiped other ways, but let's not open pandora's box). Stop trying to put labels on what type of music God likes. Music is Music.
I'll end this by saying, what an example for believing artists today that the forefathers of our faith and music took such detail to give God their best.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Love God for Who He Is
Man has tried to understand the reason for pain and suffering since the beginning of time. It's a topic that I know many people struggle with. I don't claim that this quote encompasses it all, but I think it has some good points. What I do know, and hope you know as well, is that God is good. God is good all the time.
"No answer seems to completely satisfy when it comes to why God allows pain. Since the dawn of history, mankind has wrestled with this question, only to come up with answers that scarcely fill the soul’s void. While God grows our faith through pain, it is not His foremost reason for allowing us to hurt. Paradoxically, love is the greater reason, and God will allow His creation to go through anything in the name of love. Anything at all. For God, love is a higher priority than comfort, enjoyment, and even happiness. Pain was not part of God’s original design. Love, on the other hand, was, and God knew that in order for love to exist, free will would also have to exist. In a world where He gave humans the choice to love or hate, He knew some would choose the latter and pain would inevitably be the price. But, God apparently thought that this was preferable to taking away His creation’s humanity, even though He knew rape, murder, disease, and tragedy would plague our world. Yet pain breaks God’s heart, and so God has taken man’s misuse and abuse of free will and redeemed it. God isn’t about righting all the wrongs on Earth. But, He is big on taking the wrongs and making something beautiful of them. And so He constantly offers opportunities for His children to exercise that free will in love towards one another, so that some of what has been broken can be remade. Pain offers opportunity for growth in love.
Also, pain is a unique opportunity for humanity to choose whether it will love God for who He is, rather than for the gifts that He bestows upon His creation. Granted, God loves to give to His children. But in a life void of suffering, there would also be little need to love God for any reason beyond his role as Santa Claus. God wants to be loved for who He is -- for His mercy, grace, kindness, compassion, and other attributes -- and not because He makes life easy for us.
Finally, God allows pain to remind us that our home is not in this world, that our real life begins in the afterlife, in Heaven. He wishes for us to long for that place. And pain has a way of keeping our hope there, rather than on Earth. This is a good thing, for Heaven promises more wonderful, beautiful things than those which are found here. Earth is for deciding whether we will love one another as well as our Creator; Heaven is where our experience of life will find its fruition." -Connie Strasheim
"No answer seems to completely satisfy when it comes to why God allows pain. Since the dawn of history, mankind has wrestled with this question, only to come up with answers that scarcely fill the soul’s void. While God grows our faith through pain, it is not His foremost reason for allowing us to hurt. Paradoxically, love is the greater reason, and God will allow His creation to go through anything in the name of love. Anything at all. For God, love is a higher priority than comfort, enjoyment, and even happiness. Pain was not part of God’s original design. Love, on the other hand, was, and God knew that in order for love to exist, free will would also have to exist. In a world where He gave humans the choice to love or hate, He knew some would choose the latter and pain would inevitably be the price. But, God apparently thought that this was preferable to taking away His creation’s humanity, even though He knew rape, murder, disease, and tragedy would plague our world. Yet pain breaks God’s heart, and so God has taken man’s misuse and abuse of free will and redeemed it. God isn’t about righting all the wrongs on Earth. But, He is big on taking the wrongs and making something beautiful of them. And so He constantly offers opportunities for His children to exercise that free will in love towards one another, so that some of what has been broken can be remade. Pain offers opportunity for growth in love.
Also, pain is a unique opportunity for humanity to choose whether it will love God for who He is, rather than for the gifts that He bestows upon His creation. Granted, God loves to give to His children. But in a life void of suffering, there would also be little need to love God for any reason beyond his role as Santa Claus. God wants to be loved for who He is -- for His mercy, grace, kindness, compassion, and other attributes -- and not because He makes life easy for us.
Finally, God allows pain to remind us that our home is not in this world, that our real life begins in the afterlife, in Heaven. He wishes for us to long for that place. And pain has a way of keeping our hope there, rather than on Earth. This is a good thing, for Heaven promises more wonderful, beautiful things than those which are found here. Earth is for deciding whether we will love one another as well as our Creator; Heaven is where our experience of life will find its fruition." -Connie Strasheim
Monday, February 6, 2012
Grad School
Okay, I needed a moment away from my unsuccessful attempts to complete my homework to vent and process. I have a time limit however as my homework happens to be due in 2 hours. I'm in grad school at the moment and I'm having a hard time reminding myself why I'm here. A lot of things have changed in the past few months many of which include my goals and dreams. Consequently, I'm questioning whether what I'm doing is really all that helpful to what I now want.
What I once wanted to be, a full time symphony musician, has been put on the back burner to say the least. It's not completely out of the picture, but it's not so important anymore. And as a result, the reason I'm in school seems to have lost a lot of its importance.
I'm currently having to turn down work because of schedule conflicts at school. I suppose you could say that's a good thing, but it's definitely discouraging. I'm in school to become a better musician. Among multiple other reasons, by becoming a better musician, I'll ideally have better chances of being employed. If I'm getting asked to do this much work while in school, I can't wait for when I don't have previous engagements. However, when you're racking up debt, it's hard to see the glass as full as it is when jobs come knocking.
But, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I've recently had the revelation that maybe I don't want to be a full time orchestra musician (like I once thought). And, by being forced to turn down these gigs, perhaps I'm leaving my time open for things in which I would much rather find my employment (studio work?). Who knows. What I do know is this: The only reason I am in grad school this year is because of God's provision. God obviously wants me in school (at least for this year). 2 days before school started, the school finds money for me to come- 2 DAYS!!!! I get the call on my way to NC with the intention of finding a job.
A wise and pithy saying that I just made up comes to mind: "When you're in grad school, be in grad school. When you're out of school, be working." As my mother reminds me, I'm never going to have time like this in my life again. Ever. Better make the best of it while I can. Yes, I'm racking up thousands of dollars in debt, but in exchange I'm buying myself time. So, what am I doing with my time? Am I doing things to enrich my life, other's lives, and further my education? Yeah, I think I am. Will God provide for the "real world", just like he did for school? Yes, I know He will. So, I might be frustrated with school and it keeping me from being a full time working musician. But, school is also allowing me time to explore new facets of being a musician I've never seriously considered. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad now. God has a plan, and it's bigger than I can imagine.
What I once wanted to be, a full time symphony musician, has been put on the back burner to say the least. It's not completely out of the picture, but it's not so important anymore. And as a result, the reason I'm in school seems to have lost a lot of its importance.
I'm currently having to turn down work because of schedule conflicts at school. I suppose you could say that's a good thing, but it's definitely discouraging. I'm in school to become a better musician. Among multiple other reasons, by becoming a better musician, I'll ideally have better chances of being employed. If I'm getting asked to do this much work while in school, I can't wait for when I don't have previous engagements. However, when you're racking up debt, it's hard to see the glass as full as it is when jobs come knocking.
But, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I've recently had the revelation that maybe I don't want to be a full time orchestra musician (like I once thought). And, by being forced to turn down these gigs, perhaps I'm leaving my time open for things in which I would much rather find my employment (studio work?). Who knows. What I do know is this: The only reason I am in grad school this year is because of God's provision. God obviously wants me in school (at least for this year). 2 days before school started, the school finds money for me to come- 2 DAYS!!!! I get the call on my way to NC with the intention of finding a job.
A wise and pithy saying that I just made up comes to mind: "When you're in grad school, be in grad school. When you're out of school, be working." As my mother reminds me, I'm never going to have time like this in my life again. Ever. Better make the best of it while I can. Yes, I'm racking up thousands of dollars in debt, but in exchange I'm buying myself time. So, what am I doing with my time? Am I doing things to enrich my life, other's lives, and further my education? Yeah, I think I am. Will God provide for the "real world", just like he did for school? Yes, I know He will. So, I might be frustrated with school and it keeping me from being a full time working musician. But, school is also allowing me time to explore new facets of being a musician I've never seriously considered. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad now. God has a plan, and it's bigger than I can imagine.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Be Ready For What You Ask For
So I feel like telling a story today. A true story that happened about a week ago.
It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.
I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.
Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"
Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."
I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.
I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.
I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."
At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "
I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."
Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).
The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.
I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.
After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.
What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.
After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.
It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.
I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.
Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"
Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."
I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.
I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.
I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."
At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "
I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."
Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).
The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.
I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.
After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.
What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.
After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Don't mind me, I'm just visiting
This past week as been such a blessing. There have been so many things, there's no way I could talk about them all. I'm really excited about what God's done, and what he's going to do.
I've been thinking about changing churches for a few months. After praying about it, I felt like God wanted me to stay at my old church until the end of the year. Partly because there were some commitments I needed to fulfill and also the end of the year made itself an opportune time to make the transition.
This past week, I went to Sunday service for the first time at my "new" church. Now, I've visited churches before and it is always inevitably awkward. But, to be honest, this time it was wasn't so bad. The typical scenario includes you timing your entrance perfectly: not too early, so you don't wait around awkwardly; but not to late either, so you're not that disruptive person that everyone turns around and stares at. You walk in (4 minutes till service to be precise) and you don't know anyone. After you hastily take the usher's bulletin, you look around looking for an empty seat desperately trying not to look like a "visitor". Sitting down you crane you neck looking around searching for any familiar faces. My favorites are the time you realize that you're sitting in someone else's "area". Like that time when you look up and realizing you're surrounded by multiple children climbing over you and make the connection that this is where their family sits every week (unbeknownst to you). "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your name on the bench. My bad." Then ensues that sheepish shuffle across the pews to make room for everyone.
Oh, and I almost forgot about the best awkward thing--church worship. You know when the band starts the music and you realize you've never heard the song they're about to sing? You can't sing the melody, in fact you can't seem to even say the words at the right time. So, you wind up standing there in service, mouthing watermelon to yourself. Or worse yet, you're silent with a blank look on your face, certain that you look like an obstinate cold hearted heathen. When really, you would love to sing along, you just have no idea how the song goes...
Well, this didn't really happen this time. Since I've been going to Lifegroup during the week, I've had the opportunity to get to know some people. While still pretty early in the friendship phase, it's far enough along to ask to sit next to them. Plus, when it came to worship, I was familiar with about half the songs because I'd heard them before at Lifegroup. That other half that I didn't know the melody? Well, I got up and danced to those. It was pretty awesome.
While my experience was certainly an unusual way to get to know a church before... going to church, I like it. I've also been listening to the online sermon podcasts for a number of months. So, it feels like I've been going for a while. Whatever the case, I'm really excited. I can't wait for the upcoming weeks. :)
As a side note, I think I've been reading too much Jon Acuff lately. I feel like oddly resembles a Stuff Christians Like post...
I've been thinking about changing churches for a few months. After praying about it, I felt like God wanted me to stay at my old church until the end of the year. Partly because there were some commitments I needed to fulfill and also the end of the year made itself an opportune time to make the transition.
This past week, I went to Sunday service for the first time at my "new" church. Now, I've visited churches before and it is always inevitably awkward. But, to be honest, this time it was wasn't so bad. The typical scenario includes you timing your entrance perfectly: not too early, so you don't wait around awkwardly; but not to late either, so you're not that disruptive person that everyone turns around and stares at. You walk in (4 minutes till service to be precise) and you don't know anyone. After you hastily take the usher's bulletin, you look around looking for an empty seat desperately trying not to look like a "visitor". Sitting down you crane you neck looking around searching for any familiar faces. My favorites are the time you realize that you're sitting in someone else's "area". Like that time when you look up and realizing you're surrounded by multiple children climbing over you and make the connection that this is where their family sits every week (unbeknownst to you). "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your name on the bench. My bad." Then ensues that sheepish shuffle across the pews to make room for everyone.
Oh, and I almost forgot about the best awkward thing--church worship. You know when the band starts the music and you realize you've never heard the song they're about to sing? You can't sing the melody, in fact you can't seem to even say the words at the right time. So, you wind up standing there in service, mouthing watermelon to yourself. Or worse yet, you're silent with a blank look on your face, certain that you look like an obstinate cold hearted heathen. When really, you would love to sing along, you just have no idea how the song goes...
Well, this didn't really happen this time. Since I've been going to Lifegroup during the week, I've had the opportunity to get to know some people. While still pretty early in the friendship phase, it's far enough along to ask to sit next to them. Plus, when it came to worship, I was familiar with about half the songs because I'd heard them before at Lifegroup. That other half that I didn't know the melody? Well, I got up and danced to those. It was pretty awesome.
While my experience was certainly an unusual way to get to know a church before... going to church, I like it. I've also been listening to the online sermon podcasts for a number of months. So, it feels like I've been going for a while. Whatever the case, I'm really excited. I can't wait for the upcoming weeks. :)
As a side note, I think I've been reading too much Jon Acuff lately. I feel like oddly resembles a Stuff Christians Like post...
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