Okay, I needed a moment away from my unsuccessful attempts to complete my homework to vent and process. I have a time limit however as my homework happens to be due in 2 hours. I'm in grad school at the moment and I'm having a hard time reminding myself why I'm here. A lot of things have changed in the past few months many of which include my goals and dreams. Consequently, I'm questioning whether what I'm doing is really all that helpful to what I now want.
What I once wanted to be, a full time symphony musician, has been put on the back burner to say the least. It's not completely out of the picture, but it's not so important anymore. And as a result, the reason I'm in school seems to have lost a lot of its importance.
I'm currently having to turn down work because of schedule conflicts at school. I suppose you could say that's a good thing, but it's definitely discouraging. I'm in school to become a better musician. Among multiple other reasons, by becoming a better musician, I'll ideally have better chances of being employed. If I'm getting asked to do this much work while in school, I can't wait for when I don't have previous engagements. However, when you're racking up debt, it's hard to see the glass as full as it is when jobs come knocking.
But, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I've recently had the revelation that maybe I don't want to be a full time orchestra musician (like I once thought). And, by being forced to turn down these gigs, perhaps I'm leaving my time open for things in which I would much rather find my employment (studio work?). Who knows. What I do know is this: The only reason I am in grad school this year is because of God's provision. God obviously wants me in school (at least for this year). 2 days before school started, the school finds money for me to come- 2 DAYS!!!! I get the call on my way to NC with the intention of finding a job.
A wise and pithy saying that I just made up comes to mind: "When you're in grad school, be in grad school. When you're out of school, be working." As my mother reminds me, I'm never going to have time like this in my life again. Ever. Better make the best of it while I can. Yes, I'm racking up thousands of dollars in debt, but in exchange I'm buying myself time. So, what am I doing with my time? Am I doing things to enrich my life, other's lives, and further my education? Yeah, I think I am. Will God provide for the "real world", just like he did for school? Yes, I know He will. So, I might be frustrated with school and it keeping me from being a full time working musician. But, school is also allowing me time to explore new facets of being a musician I've never seriously considered. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad now. God has a plan, and it's bigger than I can imagine.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Be Ready For What You Ask For
So I feel like telling a story today. A true story that happened about a week ago.
It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.
I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.
Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"
Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."
I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.
I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.
I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."
At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "
I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."
Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).
The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.
I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.
After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.
What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.
After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.
It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.
I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.
Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"
Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."
I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.
I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.
I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."
At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "
I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."
Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).
The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.
I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.
After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.
What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.
After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)