What Am I Trying to Say?

That's a good question. I'm doing, well I should say WAS doing, homework for my final project for Career Portfolio Class. Over the semester I've written all the material I'll need for the project. I'm just going back and polishing them to make them actually presentable and usable material.

However, I'm taken aback at the elusive topic "Why do I do music?" and the difficulty of trying to present an accurate artistic statement. I could in reality write half a dozen artistic statements and each one be completely different than the one before. In fact I have, and they are all completely different. While that might not be bad, it's not exactly helpful. So, I'm in the process of digging deeper. What are the bare bones- the constants? What keeps me coming back to what I do, even when I don't feel like it?

I'll be honest. I've realized I've not been completely comfortable with combining my spiritual statements with my music statements. It is from a fear that I will be written off, won't be taken seriously/professionally, or that it would create unnecessary prejudice. But, as I'm growing in my walk, I've realized how much I want to be known for belonging to Christ first before anything else. And, that goes for music too. I want whatever I do to be to the glory of God. I want whatever I do to mirror the love God has for me.

So, there's my constant. The best constant of them all: Jesus.
Lord knows I want to live a gospel centered life. I want my artistic statement to be gospel centered. I've realized that I don't always live out what I have written in my artistic statement. But, I want to. Now comes the challenge. Putting this all together (in less than 1 page) in a coherent effective way, that describes who I am by what I believe in. Trust me, it's harder than you'd expect. I haven't been satisfied with what I've done yet. But, I got a couple more days. Wish me luck.

Grace is all you need

So, the most current life choice dilemma is underway.
Do I go back to school in the fall? Or take a year off? Or do I do the recently brought up option of scouring the countryside for a graduate position?

I'm scared, and while I'm trying not to be, it still has it's overwhelming ability to immobilize me and make me feel helpless. It causes me to question what is really in my power and what does God have planned for me. There are two distinct sides battling in my head, and I don't know which side to believe.

There's the side, seeming to embody my romantic tendencies, that says everything will be alright. God is in control, God loves me, and he wants the best for me. If God is in control, where do I come in though? What is my responsibility? I could (and often do) easily fall into the mentality of what is my responsibility with decision making with MY life. And then, I'm convicted that it's not my life anymore. With that voice comes a tendency to avoid the issue of whether that means I will get everything MY heart wants and desires. Does that mean I will live a happy life? A happy life by MY standards?

Then comes trumpeting my rational conscience. The one that says: God gives you talents, but you're the one that has to develop them. God isn't just going to give me everything on a silver platter. He intends me to work the fields if I am to receive the "fruit of my labor". This voice causes me to slow down, to question my wisdom, my choices, and the consequences of my actions. It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is my check and balance. A curse because of the inevitable inner turmoil it seemingly always plagues me with.

The real questions-- Do I need to worry? No, God clearly doesn't want me worrying about tomorrow. Does God want me to, and can I, rely on Him? Yes. He feeds the birds of the air; am I not worth more to Him? Is my life going to be perfect? No, I'm sinful and live in a sinful world. Will God give me a perfect life? No. God is most glorified when we seek God to fulfill our imperfections.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast of my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me...When I am weak, then I am strong."
But, at the same time, can I fully embrace this, can I run to this destiny? Can I want this? Will I be filled with joy? Can I be happy? Yes. The power of Grace is all I need. And that is what I need to live and believe.

What does living like grace is all you need look like? Admitting your weakness, that God may get the glory. I worry, I stress, and money has a hold on me that is fearful.

I don't have all the answers. I know this, and I don't know this. I think this but I don't live this. I need to find my answers not on my own. I need to be reading, and I'm not. I need to be asking, and I'm not. I need prayer and to pray.

I don't know if I'm actually getting anywhere, or answering my questions, but at the same time I'm still feeling better about them. Maybe more later.

21 Minutes

It's not raining, but misting,
and I hear the dropping of accumulated condensation outside my window.
There are car door slams out in the parking lot.
The beeping of cars as they are locked.
Passengers and drivers talking as they leave their cars for the apartments.
A seemingly endless concession of car honks-- of passing cars with revving engines.
I hadn't realized how often this happens, or the fact that it annoys me so much.
I hear my room mates are talking in their room--agitatedly.
I can't tell if they are angry or happy.
Just thinking that they might be angry puts me on edge.
I hear the occupants on the floor above me. I thought I heard crying-- again.
I don't like it. It makes me sad.
Then there is silence.
Not really, I just have to pay more attention.
If I listen hard enough,
I can hear the air system in the apartment and my computer quietly humming.
The sounds of the highway are never far off. It almost sounds like the wind coming in waves.
The sounds of surrounding apartments come back but they are so distorted. I could swear I heard a dog barking, but I can't be sure. Pets aren't allowed.
Someone must be having a good time, I hear whoops and hollers from somewhere in the complex. It's only Wednesday. I am envious of their seemingly enjoyment filled evening. The footsteps above are getting heavier making the ceiling and adjacent walls creek.
Beethoven 9 is going through my head.
It's almost hard to hear what's actually going on around me.
A final car door slams, with footsteps following the sidewalk,
and my time is up.

Establish my steps

Proverbs 16:9~ "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

How does this apply to me right now? Well, first of all I had coffee this afternoon and I can't sleep. Second, I've been reading verses and cross referencing them with similar verses. It's wonderful to be able to follow the enthusiasm for reading the word when it comes. It's moments like these that I wish I did this more often.

My future: how do my decisions- from past decisions to day to day choices come into play?

I cannot deny the quiet but present call to minister. It was a wonderful process over a few days being spiritually guided by my reading in My Utmost For His Highest. From God asking me if I loved Him, To my realization that I was not able to love the way God wants me to. Then God reminding me that Jesus died that I may love God the way I was intended. Praying the Christ would help me love God the way God wanted me to and God telling me to feed His sheep.

My current summer plans seem the first in question. First from a selfish reason, I didn't want to go to a festival. Then, not wanting to lose an opportunity, I decided I wanted to go. But, now, I feel God doesn't have this in mind for me, at least this year.

Then, my biggest fear. Does that mean I have to leave behind the years of work in music? Does God want to use me in a way without music? Now, I'm tired. I'm starting to get a little whoozy and dizzy. My brain, body, and emotions have been in turmoil all week. I want to do what God wants me to do. But, does that mean leaving behind what God has given me including talents, work, and investments?

I think that begs the question of what have I been using these talents, work, and investments for? I keep running into this idea that doing things "for" Christ isn't enough. Doing things "with" Christ is what He wants. I don't even know if I really understand the difference.

Thinking that music is the only way that God will and can use me is wrong. I know this, but maybe I'm not living this the way I should be. Maybe God is trying to get me out my self made box I've put myself that's confining the ways in which I'm letting God use me.

There's a lot where I'm not sure what to do, or what to think.
Here's what I am sure: God's commandment "Do you love Me?...Feed my sheep."
God's given me gifts to use and to minister. God has a plan for my life.
I'm just afraid they may not be the same as what I think they are.

Do You Love Me?

Eating pop-tarts in my room, my hotel room
thinking of all the ways I've done You wrong
trying to think of things to do that would make it up to You

And it hits me like a song,
that all you want from me
is my love

You want to hear from me
see from me
words and works made love

take it from me
lead me homeward
words and works made love

Then I see myself and what I've done
and I hang my head in shame
I want to love you the way you love me
But I know it will never be the same

You want to hear from me
see from me
words and works made love

But my past haunts me
I can't go home
my words and works aren't love

Then I see you there and what you've done
and you dry my tears of shame
You loved me first before I could love you
and my life will never be the same

You said for me
did for me
words and works made love

You did it for me
to lead me homeward
words and works now love

My past is gone by what you've done
I no longer live in shame
By your love I can love you
It is one and the same

You hear from me
see from me
words and works now love

I give you my life
for you gave me your own
words and works made love

(written 3.16.11)

De créer et d'écouter

Whoa, so I hadn't realized that I hadn't posted anything in such a long time--like 5 months. Oh well, I've been enjoying writing in my private venue aka diary. Not that this isn't private, no one ever reads this but me, but at the same time I write it in a way in case someone ever read this it would be okay...but I digress.

The thought at hand: When is enough enough? When do you arrive? As artists do we get to or should we ever separate ourselves from our art? My first impulse is that as artists we are trying to convey life and its experiences to the best of our ability. But when that striving for perfection gets in the way of experiencing the very life we are trying to convey, it's time to smell the roses. BUT--I hear voices of experience tell me: You have to choose. It's one or the other.

I think an experience I can best relate to this issue right now is church worship. Go with me on this. Music is my thing, it is how I feel I most naturally minister to those around me. That being said, I don't have a church "outlet" to directly minister to the church body. I would like to have one, but at the same time I am enjoying the other end. While singing in the congregation, I'm enjoying feeling the worship of those around me- the praise of God wash over me as it ascends to the heavens. Sometimes playing music removes me from the experience of other people's worship. And while I hunger to praise God the way I most naturally do it with the church body, I'm willing to sing poorly (for I am a terrible singer) if I get to sing praise along with the believers beside me. I almost feel like being in the congregation is the best communion.

Hearkening back to question at hand--I love performing. The path to the performing entails practice and dedication with the idea that there will never be enough. And while I could never remain in the audience, I would simply ache too much, it is still necessary for me to momentarily remove myself from the performer's role and accept the gift of another performer/performance. At times that is the best perspective for what we do- to experience it. Locked in a practice room, perspective easily gets hyper-focused and even hazy. Stepping back to look and even experience what we are trying to achieve ourselves I think can only further inspire us.

So, while I don't think when we separate ourselves we are ever not artists, I do think we need not remove ourselves from the experience of listening to the music we are making.