Finish Rejoicing

Appreciation

That's what's on my mind from yesterday.
It's a simple thing really. Are you by nature a thankful person? Do you have the ability to see other peoples actions and see in them the sacrifice?

I have the pride that says, yes, I am able to see people's sacrifices (or lack thereof) and adequately judge them and their value. Hmmm, that's a pretty dangerous statement if I do say so myself.

Yesterday, I heard an amazing presentation of the gospel. In fact, I tried to give it myself in miniature form. But, I don't think it came out quite like I intended, so I'll try again here. 

So this idea of value is really a reflection of something bigger than ourselves: God. Do you value Christ? Because, say you don't, that means you value something else more, and it probably winds up being you. And who here can say in all honesty that they always value Christ in the way due Him. That's a trick question, btw. 

But, not to get ahead of myself. I realized yesterday I had reached the point of being angry at God and I didn't even know what about. I was praying, but I wasn't enjoying it. I was singing, but it felt empty. I read my Bible but nothing spoke to me. I didn't fully understand it at the time, but I knew I needed to start thanking God. Thanking God for my car, for my house, for my parents, for my rent, for taking care of me, for being good, for blessing me, for saving me. And, there it was. I didn't even know it, but I had lost my appreciation for the very thing Christ did for me. 

I tend to say things blow my mind a lot, but this really blew my mind. When I lose appreciation for what Christ has done, I lose sight of everything else. My perspective becomes skewed- if I'm not valuing the everyday things that affirm God's love for me, how can I value God's ultimate expression of love for me? Taking it the next step further, if I don't act and respond like God loves me, how can I believe God loves me? I have no confidence, no value in myself, no hope. Nothing makes me angrier than being hopeless. Anger had snuck into my life without me even realizing who, what, when, where, or why. 

Let's never forget "the Joy of the Lord is my strength". His strength over death and sin is now mine. In that I can and will rejoice.

"I started the work weeping, I finished it rejoicing."

Honesty

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, honestly...

But, speaking of honesty. I've realized lately, honesty is one of the hardest things to come by. And, I'm not just talking about one directional honesty from from one person to you, but a level of trust where you can be honest with someone else and they with you. Why is it, that I've been praying for someone to come into my life to really call me out on my weaknesses and it seems to be fulfilled by a non-Christian? That one stumps me. God you work in mysterious ways.

I've been asking God "what is keeping me from being ready for a relationship?". "Where do I need to grow the most?". When you ask those sort of questions, you usually have a vague idea of what it will be. But, it's not until you see your weaknesses from someone else's perspective that it really starts to make sense. Sense in how detrimental your behavior, your reactions even, are to your friendships and relationships.

I don't really know where I got it from, but I run. I run and hide. I imagine myself seeing shadows on the wall, and the appear taller, more terrible than what they are in real life. Emotional attachment (or just emotions in general) blown out of proportion. Life's demanding and seemingly insurmountable responsibilities. And, of course the only reasonable response to seeing something that scares you is to go where you feel safe and in control: Your own contrived little world that fits in neat little boxes.

I battle a grandiose perspective with a tendency to ignore what is really going on around me. How's that for honesty?

Today, as I know it, I finally believe that girls and guys cannot be just friends. Sure, I heard that angering gem of a statement my Freshman year of college. But upon hearing it, I was determined to prove the world and apparently my inherent nature wrong. However, I've come to agree with this statement over the past few years. But, it wasn't until today that I truly believed it. Believed it, because I finally acted on it. Before it was just a theory. Now it is something that influenced my behavior and my choices.

Back to that honesty thing. I'm still soaking in the painful criticism of how I present myself and treat others. This isn't something that comes along everyday, in fact it seldom comes along these days. And, as painful as criticism always is, I think I'm finally ready to the point where I want it.

Here's my immediate list of things I need to "fix". I'm afraid.
Fear- it's the biggest hindrance in my life as I know it. I base so many of my decisions or change what I really want to do out of fear.
Fear of being hurt. Turned down. Rejected. Ignored. Passed over.
I remember there was a guy who I admired, hoped for, and prayed for, but I didn't have the courage to say anything. Not a word.  Out of fear of not being worthy, enough, or what he would want. Because of fear, I froze and watched as he unknowingly "passed me by" for someone else. The point of remembering that is not to relive the fantasy of what if, but what if I didn't make my choices based on fear? I allow fear to confirm everything it tells me.
Fear of failure. Trying something and realizing my effort, talent, ability just wasn't enough. That maybe I should have stuck with the "safer path". This one is still an in-process daily battle.
Fear of hurting other people. That they won't be able to take my honesty. That their inevitable emotional breakdown is and will be my fault. There's a background of backhanded pride buried in that one.
There's responsibility in being honest. In reality, lying has fewer consequences than the truth. All because it doesn't mean anything. Lies are empty, meaningless words. This mostly stems from past hurt. And yet, it still dictates my present reactions to people.

This isn't something I'm going to be able to write a single blog post on and bam, I'll have it all figured out and fixed. In fact, what I probably need most right now is time to process, and process some more. All I hope is that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll pick up where I left off in the morning. Or something like that.

Reserved 29F

Why does it have to be this way?
I wish I could be forgotten
and mingle within the voices of the hall

The raindrops hit my forehead
they make more of an impact
than my tears

The older I stretch my eyes
they farther they see
the dimmer the clarity
of life before me

The grass has not lost its green
the reds have darkened all around
I am forever lost
and will not be found

The complexities of where I am today
seem to be lost within
where I was when I was
found in the wonders of yesterday

The more I give
the more I lose
what else is there
if not to see what there is left
behind those eyes

struggling with life's hidden lies
I the see the smoke and walk
no preemptive breaths
to prepare my lungs and eyes
for the coming burn

The window panes are clear
holding nothing back
but me from entering

I can barely keep back
my desire to break you
hoping something you have
will answer my questions

but I should know better
when I look through the window
and see my own reflection

(written 2009)