21 Minutes

It's not raining, but misting,
and I hear the dropping of accumulated condensation outside my window.
There are car door slams out in the parking lot.
The beeping of cars as they are locked.
Passengers and drivers talking as they leave their cars for the apartments.
A seemingly endless concession of car honks-- of passing cars with revving engines.
I hadn't realized how often this happens, or the fact that it annoys me so much.
I hear my room mates are talking in their room--agitatedly.
I can't tell if they are angry or happy.
Just thinking that they might be angry puts me on edge.
I hear the occupants on the floor above me. I thought I heard crying-- again.
I don't like it. It makes me sad.
Then there is silence.
Not really, I just have to pay more attention.
If I listen hard enough,
I can hear the air system in the apartment and my computer quietly humming.
The sounds of the highway are never far off. It almost sounds like the wind coming in waves.
The sounds of surrounding apartments come back but they are so distorted. I could swear I heard a dog barking, but I can't be sure. Pets aren't allowed.
Someone must be having a good time, I hear whoops and hollers from somewhere in the complex. It's only Wednesday. I am envious of their seemingly enjoyment filled evening. The footsteps above are getting heavier making the ceiling and adjacent walls creek.
Beethoven 9 is going through my head.
It's almost hard to hear what's actually going on around me.
A final car door slams, with footsteps following the sidewalk,
and my time is up.

Establish my steps

Proverbs 16:9~ "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

How does this apply to me right now? Well, first of all I had coffee this afternoon and I can't sleep. Second, I've been reading verses and cross referencing them with similar verses. It's wonderful to be able to follow the enthusiasm for reading the word when it comes. It's moments like these that I wish I did this more often.

My future: how do my decisions- from past decisions to day to day choices come into play?

I cannot deny the quiet but present call to minister. It was a wonderful process over a few days being spiritually guided by my reading in My Utmost For His Highest. From God asking me if I loved Him, To my realization that I was not able to love the way God wants me to. Then God reminding me that Jesus died that I may love God the way I was intended. Praying the Christ would help me love God the way God wanted me to and God telling me to feed His sheep.

My current summer plans seem the first in question. First from a selfish reason, I didn't want to go to a festival. Then, not wanting to lose an opportunity, I decided I wanted to go. But, now, I feel God doesn't have this in mind for me, at least this year.

Then, my biggest fear. Does that mean I have to leave behind the years of work in music? Does God want to use me in a way without music? Now, I'm tired. I'm starting to get a little whoozy and dizzy. My brain, body, and emotions have been in turmoil all week. I want to do what God wants me to do. But, does that mean leaving behind what God has given me including talents, work, and investments?

I think that begs the question of what have I been using these talents, work, and investments for? I keep running into this idea that doing things "for" Christ isn't enough. Doing things "with" Christ is what He wants. I don't even know if I really understand the difference.

Thinking that music is the only way that God will and can use me is wrong. I know this, but maybe I'm not living this the way I should be. Maybe God is trying to get me out my self made box I've put myself that's confining the ways in which I'm letting God use me.

There's a lot where I'm not sure what to do, or what to think.
Here's what I am sure: God's commandment "Do you love Me?...Feed my sheep."
God's given me gifts to use and to minister. God has a plan for my life.
I'm just afraid they may not be the same as what I think they are.

Do You Love Me?

Eating pop-tarts in my room, my hotel room
thinking of all the ways I've done You wrong
trying to think of things to do that would make it up to You

And it hits me like a song,
that all you want from me
is my love

You want to hear from me
see from me
words and works made love

take it from me
lead me homeward
words and works made love

Then I see myself and what I've done
and I hang my head in shame
I want to love you the way you love me
But I know it will never be the same

You want to hear from me
see from me
words and works made love

But my past haunts me
I can't go home
my words and works aren't love

Then I see you there and what you've done
and you dry my tears of shame
You loved me first before I could love you
and my life will never be the same

You said for me
did for me
words and works made love

You did it for me
to lead me homeward
words and works now love

My past is gone by what you've done
I no longer live in shame
By your love I can love you
It is one and the same

You hear from me
see from me
words and works now love

I give you my life
for you gave me your own
words and works made love

(written 3.16.11)