Grad School

Okay, I needed a moment away from my unsuccessful attempts to complete my homework to vent and process. I have a time limit however as my homework happens to be due in 2 hours. I'm in grad school at the moment and I'm having a hard time reminding myself why I'm here. A lot of things have changed in the past few months many of which include my goals and dreams. Consequently, I'm questioning whether what I'm doing is really all that helpful to what I now want.

What I once wanted to be, a full time symphony musician, has been put on the back burner to say the least. It's not completely out of the picture, but it's not so important anymore. And as a result, the reason I'm in school seems to have lost a lot of its importance.
I'm currently having to turn down work because of schedule conflicts at school. I suppose you could say that's a good thing, but it's definitely discouraging. I'm in school to become a better musician. Among multiple other reasons, by becoming a better musician, I'll ideally have better chances of being employed. If I'm getting asked to do this much work while in school, I can't wait for when I don't have previous engagements. However, when you're racking up debt, it's hard to see the glass as full as it is when jobs come knocking.

But, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I've recently had the revelation that maybe I don't want to be a full time orchestra musician (like I once thought). And, by being forced to turn down these gigs, perhaps I'm leaving my time open for things in which I would much rather find my employment (studio work?). Who knows. What I do know is this: The only reason I am in grad school this year is because of God's provision. God obviously wants me in school (at least for this year). 2 days before school started, the school finds money for me to come- 2 DAYS!!!! I get the call on my way to NC with the intention of finding a job.

A wise and pithy saying that I just made up comes to mind: "When you're in grad school, be in grad school. When you're out of school, be working." As my mother reminds me, I'm never going to have time like this in my life again. Ever. Better make the best of it while I can. Yes, I'm racking up thousands of dollars in debt, but in exchange I'm buying myself time. So, what am I doing with my time? Am I doing things to enrich my life, other's lives, and further my education? Yeah, I think I am. Will God provide for the "real world", just like he did for school? Yes, I know He will. So, I might be frustrated with school and it keeping me from being a full time working musician. But, school is also allowing me time to explore new facets of being a musician I've never seriously considered. Okay, I don't feel quite so bad now. God has a plan, and it's bigger than I can imagine.