Wanting Him

I'm not a parent. And, don't forsee being one in the near future. But, I have this wonderful perspective of being a music teacher where I get to interact with parents and kids on a regular basis. My thoughts are therefore most heavily influenced by these experiences. So, if I were a parent and had a rule book to live by it would probably look something like this:

No. 1 rule of parenting:
Don't give children what's bad for said children.

Seems easy enough. I mean, that's why you're the grown up and they're the kid.
For instance, when they don't want to practice violin, keep encouraging them. They don't realize in their momentary emotion of hating music/practice/whatever, that they will like it once again when they get over whatever their most current obstacle is. Kids can't see into the future beyond dinner time. They can't begin to imagine that it's the obstacles they hate, not violin, art, or whatever vehicle an obstacle is being presented in.

That goes back to the age old idea that no one likes to struggle.
Except, maybe, the ones who've made it to the other side.

But, seriously, in the thick of it, no one wants it. Few, in the midst of something difficult, fully realize how much stronger they're going to be when they're done. But, when they reach the other side, that's when they realize the difference between the person who started the journey and the person who finished.

I've been thinking a lot about prayer. Two weeks ago I heard someone talk about how we need to "keep knocking" when it comes to praying. My favorite realization was when the speaker made the connection that the reason God answers our prayers is not out of "friendship" but out of our persistence. For instance, if we kept knocking asking for bread at a person's house, eventually they're gonna want to just shut us up and make us go away. It doesnt matter if they're our friend. If they don't give bread to us the first time we ask (like a friend would) they'll give it to us out of shear exhaustion of having to deal with our constant pestering. I see it now: "Here's your stinkin bread. Now, go away!"

Sounds weird, right? Well, then the connection was made- how often do we ask things of God because we think we are His friend? We ask because we think we're on "good enough" terms with him to deserve it.

I had two different reactions to this.

The first was, whoa. Truth bomb. I am not always God's friend. God is always mine, but I am not always a friend towards God. Our relationship is consistent in only one direction-God towards me. To think that I love God all the time is to lie to myself about the nature of my commitment to God.

The second was this. (And, here comes my inner battle...)

If I ask long enough, will God give me what I want, even if it's bad for me?

Top Secret Parenting Weakness No. 1:
If my kid keeps begging for something, long enough and loud enough, eventually I will cave and give them what they want out of exhaustion. Throw out and forget Parenting Rule No. 1.

If this strong willed, obstinate child wants what's bad for them, let them have it. There's a point where you can't make someone want what is good. They have to want it for themselves.
If they want to quit violin, and they push hard enough, so be it. Let them quit.
They beg to stay up all night, let them. Let them realize for themselves what a terrible idea not sleeping really is.

I guess, what I struggle with is: when I pray do I really want what God has for me (which will always turn out for eternal good). Whatever is good is of God, for it glorifies God. Or, do I pray for what I think will be good (for me) when and where I think I should have it? Am I praying for the here and the now, or the there and then? One way can have eternal results of treasure, the other possible eternal results of perhaps just painful lessons learned.

I don't want to be a spoiled child, resistant to future blessing because of current hardship.

And to be completely and selfishly honest, I don't want to learn more hard lessons than I have to.
I don't want to miss out on more than I have to (because I was too consumed with what I wanted).

I am continuously reminded that I don't know how prayer "works". Because, I keep falling into this trap that God is like a slot machine. If you put in the sacrificial coin, manipulate the machine just right, pull the lever with conviction and faith, then I'll get what I want. But, that's never what God wanted. God's purpose in all of this was never that we should get whatever we wanted. Because from the beginning, we never really wanted God. What God wants is relationship. God wants us to want Him. And it's funny how, that's what we're all searching for.

What is the wisdom that you are, 

My One, what do you see for me? 

How can I be, when the end seems so far,

less of me, and more of what you see? 

It's your token as a lover

to give instead of take

it's your love where I take cover

I live by your namesake

I sing your name, now my love

strength in your fullness make

that feeds my soul for life above

my love for you, now awake

living proof your will prevail 

living through drought, through flood

You shower me regardless, 

with your evidence of blood 

Assurance I have and know

built on grace that makes me free

that gives me purpose for life below

you bless me beyond what I foresee

  

My 25

So, it's my birthday and here's my obligatory birthday posting. I woke up this morning legitimately forgetting that it was my birthday. Wasn't until later that I realized, "oh yeah, I'm 25 years old today".

Most of my birthday posts revolve around the consistent topic of adulthood, responsibility, the future, and my general confusion as to why I keep expecting myself to know what I'm doing.
But, that's all been said before. It's all the same, changing slightly with each year of course, but generally the same. Instead I thought I would talk about what God gave me this morning.

If you could ask for a gift what would it be? Well, right now I can't think of one much better than an answer to prayer. I realize I'd been asking and praying for a lot of things lately. Look back at your journal sometime, you'll be shocked at all that goes through your mind and heart. I realized earlier this year that there are a few things I want to do and to be known for. Even if it's just between me and God. Some of them might seem unconnected, but here they are: embody the name God gave me- peace, be a prolific letter writer, be a woman of faith, be a woman of prayer, be bold for Christ, commune with God more, love and know my family better, and lead my school friends to the Lord.

God gave me some answers to prayer today that really were some of the best birthday gifts I could have asked for. This past week has been a stressful whirlwind in more ways than I can count. But, on top of it all, the blessings have been pouring out from every direction. It has been such a blessing to breath in the peace that God has had just waiting for me.

Monday night, Hannah's and my town house flooded. Every room, except mine, flooded to some degree. Nothing was permanently damaged except the flooring. Not even my computer which happened to be sitting in the middle of a puddle on the floor when I found it. None the less, being invaded by natural disaster is inconvenient, to say the least, as well as disruptive. Hannah and I were forced to move out after 2 days due to ripped up flooring, wretched smell, and headaches from the mildew. God was good to have a house ready and waiting for me and available to Hannah for her last week in town.

Thursday, I left town for an orchestra gig for the weekend. It was difficult staying in a hotel when I hadn't packed well due to the mess of "real" packing and not being able to find anything. Not to mention, my poor roommates being left with all of my boxes everywhere. There's only one thing I hate more than packing, and that's unpacking.

Today, my birthday, my Grandpa passes away. He was suffering from Alzheimer's, deafness, blindness, skin cancer, diabetes, and who knows what else. I rest in the fact that he is with the Lord today.

The answers to prayer really start back with Christmas. Over Christmas break I prayed and decided I was changing churches. How is that an answer to prayer? Well, I had been wanting to know my parents more and be able to to talk to them about important spiritual things. This provided a wonderful opportunity to do that. I had a lot of questions as far as why we stayed at the churches we did growing up, what my parents liked about certain churches, what they looked for, and even what they believed in. It was very a great way to get to know my parents more. And for that I am so thankful. I think and hope that it has opened doors for further future exploration and discussion.

I look over the past semester and am also reminded of God's assurance and provision in supplying the boldness I need in the situations he wants to use me in. From running and encouraging in the park, street reach downtown, personally praying with and for my neighbors, to talking and sharing my testimony with my  friends. It really is about following God in faith in the day to day. God is good. He's been answering my prayer without me even fully realizing it.

I have loved writing letters ever since I can remember. I still get so excited when I get a letter in the mail. But, for whatever reason, whether feeling like it's out of fashion, to feeling like I don't have the time, I haven't written a real letter since High School. This semester alone, I have written countless letters to friends encouraging them with prayer, verses, inspiring quotes, or whatever else I can find. And you know what I've realized? First of all, people love getting letters. In letters you can be as sentimental as a Hallmark card or as inspirational and encouraging as you wish you could be all the time. I write how I wish I could speak and say the things I wish I could say. God's been good about reminding me to stop wishing and to start doing. Even if it's as little as a writing a letter. As long as I start doing, he can use it.

Prayer. I can't wrap my head around it. And, I don't intend to anytime soon. After having some incredible encouraging words from the Lord through trusted friends, I realized God is waiting for me to ask. "Ask and you shall receive". God has things waiting for me, that He's eager to give to me when I ready enough to ask for it. I'll hit the most recent highlights. My roommate applied for a fellowship in NY that is not only an awesome opportunity for experience but centralizes her for prime career and employment advancement following the internship. She didn't get it. But, when I heard about that, I heard God say "Pray for that. I'm going to give that to her." Personally, I was a little confused. "But, God, if you're gonna give that to her, why do I need to pray for it?" Well, God said, in the way that He does to me sometimes, reminding me who's in charge "Just do it." Okay, God, you got it. Sure enough, in 2 weeks she gets an email saying she's been accepted! How awesome is that? I still can't get around God's goodness and how when God says something He follows through.

After all that spiritual goodness I feel like I can't not have a year's hopeful to-do list on my birthday post. So here some things that I want for the upcoming year: learn Spanish, write and learn to public speak better and more confidently (speaking in front of people scares me more than anything I can think of), memorize more of the Bible, and continue pursuing and developing non-traditional musical outlets.

So, yeah. This is what God has been and is doing in my life right now.

Be Ready For What You Ask For

So I feel like telling a story today. A true story that happened about a week ago.

It's a Thursday morning I roll out of bed ready to exercise. Normally I go to the gym to swim. However, I got my contacts in the mail yesterday and decide to celebrate by going running instead. Besides, I've been wanting to incorporate some verse memorization while exercising and I haven't figured out how to do that while swimming. I rummage through my room, and find my index cards with memory verses on them. I say good morning to my roommate and run out the door with just my phone and cards. The sun isn't out, but somehow it's not dreary like it can be a lot of the time. Basically the weather is perfect, cool with no wind.

I walk to the park and start out by talking to God. I pull out one of my memory cards. I've added some new memory verses to my pile. Our ladies bible study are memorizing a new "fighter" verse each week this semester. I love it. The park is just around the corner and, as usual at this time of day, there's not many people. There's a man working on his swing at the other end of the park in the tennis courts. There's girl sitting in her car. She stares at me as I walk past. It was oddly unnerving. There's a lady with a red jacket walking on the track already. As I get to the track, I start my run deciding to do 3 miles today. That should give me time to shower and practice before noon prayer.

Just warming up, I start with a slow jog. Well, more of a shuffle, but you do what you can. I start asking God what does He want to do. What does He want to do with my life. How does God want me to serve Him. After a mile in, God tells me I need to fast. "3 days, Lord?"

Oddly enough, I failed a "minor" fast earlier this week. I didn't have the right motives for doing it though. However, God was good to send me a friend, just the night before, who was doing a fast. She could barely contain herself as she described how much joy living off faith brings. It made me hungry just thinking about it. "Okay God. 3 days? You can have it."

I'm so excited. I start praying for things, like being sensitive to the spirit that I may do God's work. Things start flooding to my mind that I've experienced in the church that are encouraging. I want to encourage others with prophecy just like I've been encouraged. I want to be given boldness just like the Apostles. I want to heal people with my words and my music. All great and splendid things.

I'm running pretty well now: Blood is flowing, breathing is steady. I think about running well spiritually and running well physically. I think about the idea that your body can go faster and stronger than you think it can. I imagine what it would feel like running on the spirit. I think about God being the one fueling me. I ask God if I can run on Him. Sure enough, I find I'm running faster. I was totally not pushing myself hard enough.

I pass the the lady in red and say "good morning" as run by. I continue with my verses. Among them Galatians 5:13-17, 5:22-26, and 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And, nice meaty verses they are. The parts that kept jumping out were: "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit", "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.", as well as "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."

Mmmm, they're just so good. I realize that I want that--all of that. I'm meditating on the what the verses mean when this final verse jumps out at me: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself". "Okay God, I know that one. And isn't that what I already prayed for? That I could love my neighbors?" God replies, "yes". I look up and see the woman in red ahead of me. "That woman is your neighbor, and I want you to love her."

At this point, I don't even acknowledge it. If I acknowledge the invitation, then I'll feel guilty if I refuse. I'm thinking to myself, "Come on God, this is not what I had in mind." But, I eventually respond by giving God a conditional agreement: "Well, God, I'm almost done with my 3 miles. If I catch up with her before I'm done, I'll talk to her. If I don't, I'll know you didn't really want me go out of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger. "

I'm coming up on the last half of my last lap. I realize, if I push myself, I'll reach the lady in red right as I finish. So I run, but I don't push myself. I reach the end with the lady literally 10 feet ahead of me. "Well, God--I'm done. Finished my 3 miles." I start walking home. I'm half way back when God says, "You can turn around and still obey me."

Mmmm, that cut me to the heart. Sometimes, you hear the word obey and it seems so undesirable. Sometimes you hear the word obey, and you realize it's the purpose and the blessing you've been praying for. God's grace is just too good. I turned around. I walked through the woods to get back to the track quicker (and to protect my fragile ego- that I wanted to hide the fact that I was coming straight back from where I'd left).

The lady is on the other side of the track by this point. "Lord, I only passed this lady once every mile when I was running. In order to catch up to this lady you're gonna have to help me." God was better to me than I deserved and I caught up with her after about a 1/3 of a mile.

I run up, slow to walk and say "What a beautiful morning!". My biggest fear in talking to people is, first and foremost, awkward silences. My second biggest fear is that I'll be ineffectual and won't find a way to turn the conversation spiritual. God was good though--the lady was a talker. Soon enough, we're talking about Art and Soul bible study at school and churches in Winston-Salem. She starts pouring out her life and her struggles. She tells me about her parents. Her father was a pastor when she was growing up. Her mother and father, married for 60+ years, have had a faithful marriage. Her mother however, suffering from Alzheimer's, can't even remember her husband as he feeds her diligently everyday. In addition to feeling the inherent stress of having a family member with such a debilitating disease, she expresses her fear of developing the disease herself. She starts crying. I start crying. I've hardly known this woman 30 minutes, but my heart is openly breaking for her. I want this woman to know that God loves her and that God has peace for her. I immediately ask if I can pray for her. She gladly accepts. It was beautiful to feel the presence of God be so ready and willing to pour Himself over this woman. I could feel the peace of God surround this woman as I prayed.

After I finished, we continued to walk and talk. She tells me about a miraculous healing her father experienced from testicular cancer. After having x-rays showing massive tumors, the doctors went in during surgery only to find they were all gone.

What a reminder of the awesomeness of God and that He is truly our great physician. What a blessing that this woman was able to encourage me with her story. As she continues talking, I realize that I have a verse in my pocket that is exactly what this woman needs. I give it to her and she is excited. She had been wanting to memorize some Bible verses and this was exactly what she wanted and needed. Mmmm, God you are good.

After 4+ miles, I finally say goodbye and head back home. I realize, Lord, this is what you have had in store for me all along. You've just been waiting for me to ask for it. Oh man, I can't wait to ask for for more.