A Day Older

So I woke up yesterday, after the 3rd night in my new house, and honestly forgot about my birthday. It wasn't until a while later getting ready for Tennis with Joelle that I was like "Oh, yeah. I'm 25 today." Weird. Scary. Birthdays make me think thoughts of "shouldn't I have things figured out by now?" Of course it's all swallowed up by a conforming feeling that it's just another day.Of course another day closer to the undetermined but looming idea that by "this point" I'll have my dreams "truly figured out" and materialized.
I'll be a grown up-be mature as required by the amount of life experience lived. Because obviously the longer we live on this earth the less we should be able to break out of our self made idea boxes and do just whatever we feel like. Whether that's walk down the street like a loony and oh, I don't know, stop to smell the roses, look at them dissect them (and the bugs), draw them, imagine the world as a flower .

What confuses me most is figuring out my dreams seems to be the hardest part. At what point do I, as a responsible Christian, citizen, daughter, and sister take the dept and expectations I have and start returning them whatever way I can?
If I have a dream- say I do- What if it's completely different than what everyone else (intentional or not) has decided and anticipated on me following. This road, different than the road traveled, is breath taking. Like punching, wind knocking, look over a cliff breath taking. But I can't stop looking in that direction.

God, I'm a people pleaser.

It's really easier to do what man tells you to do. If it goes bad, it's not only not your fault but you have the permanent scape goat that if you had been following your own gut or "thought" about praying you could have done the impossible.

Following God is completely life threatening. There's no holding back, for if you do you lose it all. You follow  God or you don't. But, does following God always secure the successful ending? The ending where all's as it should be "happy with everything in its place"? Dream's trophies on the mantle, shining in the glory of a life well lived.
Sadly, no. Or, is it sad?

Here's a thought I heard from a musician speaker at church: There's nothing like living within reach of your dream. Failure is never an option when you're living what you want most. But the idea of that failure never goes away. And it so successfully keeps those who can't stand losing the game they want, to play half heartedly at the games they weren't made for, and don't love.

Theory, jazz improv, composition, all of these things I need to be doing. They make me think, make me learn to employ what I want to do when I want to do it.

In the last few months I've been thinking a lot about suffering. And, I guess that's the deal. Living a life I was made for and it not be appreciated, acknowledged, or whatever is the thing that brings us closest to the feelings of Christ at the cross.
Now, is that what God wants us to feel and experience? At this point I'm adamantly screaming, "That CAN'T be right! Surely that's not what He has planned for me."

But, the world is full of "failures". Is our view of success so warped by sin that we don't know it when we see it? Or is it that mysterious idea that losing at our game, the one we have planned out for ourselves, is really winning. What about "give your best to the Lord"? Of course He wants it. Duh. But to think our best is going to do anything. Anything! Well that seems wrong.

I got another Elizabeth Elliot book: "Let me be a woman" I'm interested and scared by what she has to say. I don't like what she says half the time (while I know that it's good). Then the other half I can barely swallow it, it seems so unnecessarily restricting. I don't know. Her books make me think.

I think about how Jim Elliot died. Did he fulfill his dream? His dream was to follow the Lord. But, within that dream (I think it's safe to say), he wanted people to come to Christ in the jungle. So dying at the very hands of the people he wanted to save- is that not completely failing? Anyone with any wisdom would realize, of course not. Those who got saved did so because he died. He made an impact for Christ because he failed. By failing he won. By Jim failing Christ won that day.

And that's the point where I really do question myself. Is my dream, first, to follow Christ? Am I ready to die for that? At this point I usually retort why couldn't Jim have run away? Would that be a sin? Would that be wrong? But, then knowing how it turned out with him dying, would him living have been as fruitful?

God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Only God is in charge of life and death.
I just don't understand when saving/trying to save our life is ever a good idea. Is it ever? Will it ever lead to as powerful a manifestation of God's glory? I don't have the answers. I'm only 25 and a couple of hours. God you know things, you see things, you do things that I have no concept of. Let me know what you know, let me see what you see, and let me do what you do. If I cannot, give me the strength, faith, and boldness to live that knowing you is enough. That knowing you and following you is enough.